I agree with your beliefs. The all seeing eye is a gift from the divine creator upon complete and total universal acceptance and inner peace after suffering in ways of men as a mental,physical and spiritual form of test for experience and relativity into a spiritual ascension should you prove worthy in heart, actions and intent when living in an imperfect world. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see god”. You must fully understand and have heartfelt acceptance of the ways of the world and yourself without the limited perception as an imperfect human creation.
How can you truly know what it is like to be perfect when you never lived imperfect.
God is a human concept, an insatiable need to make sense of a divine consciousness and give life more meaning than just to live. Its simply the ways of mans understanding for believing in something beyond us, we cant adopt the mental comprehension of a god, its different cultures interpretations of the same thing that have been taken under a negative comprehension for thousands of years.
There can be no one way of life where one religion wins over the other, all things are true and false at the same time, divine knowledge and influence must always be discredited to convey the test of life, the test of true faith in a harsh unforgiving existence to see your hearts and actions as they decipher your inner self and see which of the two perceptions of yourself and which you will choose over the other. its all a matter of perceiving in your life for the first time with an untainted heart and a systematic black and white view of right and wrong and the willingness to accept it and let go.
Divine knowledge is a direct stream being blocked by human imperfection and the want to use it against or for only yourself, would you choose to give that away, the greatest accomplishment of man, the one thing that could give you everything all for the sake of everyone else while you remained to have nothing and not have one wince of pain or regret in your heart for the true betterment of existence.
Would you use it for your own gain, to gloat, to bask in the pain it could cause for your own satisfaction of past sufferings, or would you accept and forgive, remaining vigilant and truthful and not brag or set yourself apart in any way, to give it to the world in hopes it would change and nobody would ever have to suffer that way again.
This is an ok attempt, I like your use of dialogue but most of the conversation is bland and not leading anywhere but to maybe increase your characters personality to the reader but this should be done while keeping it to a more defining point like having a stronger relation to the stories plot, like sharing details as to the type of training they will receive or one of the girls having a scar or burn that has some story behind it as maybe a rudimentary instructor that was too rough or pushed her too hard that just so happens to be the other girls instructor for the day, this can build tension and apply a little bit of a hook to see how it turns out for her in the coming pages.
Also you use a lot of meaningless descriptions to show your characters current position like leaning back - putting her hands behind her head - sitting down etc. this is good when used is moderation but overusing this will annoy the reader and take attention from the story rather than make them more interested as you intended. Try describing more about the scenery and what the girls are wearing, how the color of her hair reminds you of something or the aroma of her perfume, do this in moderation as well as you don't want to bore the reader with too much and leave nothing to the imagination.
This is a good start and definitely worth seeing through to the end, I hope you enjoyed the review and I wish you the best, happy writing.
Read over a few times, Its a decent attempt I believe, my own meaning that I derived from this piece is pulling the muse of inspiration through a flurry of meaningless and forceful thoughts that seek to draw your attention away from creating something meaningful and alluring.
This sounds like a bad case of writer's block or just boredom or trying to spur a spark of creativity, don't get me wrong there is a lot of truth to this as many drivers do often ignore even the worst of driving conditions but that soon changes when they hit a patch of black ice or begin to hydroplane when their driving on bald tires. I would at the very least try to incorporate a rhyme of some kind or dive deep for an hour or so and try to rewrite through some intense visualization.
A very good attempt especially with being so new to the site as I am myself, I would recommend adding some additional defining of your characters to help them stand out and remain memorable as well as spellchecking - I am not saying go through it with a fine toothcomb but checking for grammar and punctuation and being sure not to use the same words repeatedly improves the readers attention and how deep they can become embroiled in your story which only works to your advantage. Lastly I would have chosen a slightly better point to stop your story like with a shocker type question to keep the audience hanging in a good way and with just enough info to keep them wanting more such as an ambush or unexpected occurrence. I think this is an excellent first draft but definitely needs improving but any book you read on writing is going to tell you without a doubt to keep rewriting your story as the first draft is even for a well known author is not a pretty sight and most will refuse to show even their closest family and friends.
Your research is very extensive and was moderately enjoyable for me. I actually had no idea he ever wrote a book titled yertle the turtle, nor that he was ever in the military, also the fact he wasn't close to children was a little bit of a shock I always thought he loved them from all the books he wrote. Again your level of in depth research is impressive and your punctuation as well. An excellent read :)
Oh come on, what kind of ending is that but seeing how Mr.Arlen gave that last second spur of the moment speech I should've seen it coming. At first I was prepared to check for punctuation and underdeveloped characters and little definition of the world and background itself but shortly after I started reading I was hooked lol and that's saying a lot from me I can hang out in the local library for 2 hours and not find one book that interests me, seriously good show.
I would say this piece is moderate, I give it an honest 5.0/10. I wont go into detail here but this is mainly due to some grammatical errors as well as choice of multiple identical words and phrases that take away from the depth of the storyline and affect the characters as a whole. I'm currently looking into doing reviews for gp but I would be more than happy to help you myself on my own time to get a little experience in. Happy writing and I wish you the very best.
This is a well defined and organized piece, I'm eager to see more of your work. I personally write more of poetry and biographies although in writing a book or short story my only obstacle is dialogue as I'm very anti-social and have little experience in that area. Your presentation and how well built upon your story is fascinating, I could easily see this getting 5 stars as per just a few modifications, I have noticed you have used a few identical words close together to describe different situations along with a several grammatical errors. The former is a problem purely for using the same words so close together subtracts attention from your story and knocks the reader from the depth of the plot. I have a few suggestions if you so wish to contact me otherwise happy writing in continuing to develop your skills and I wish you the very best.
I suffer from this same affliction but from more of a paranoia and delusional sense. This writing of yours is decent but it requires more emotion and a widened range of imagery, the image your sending is clear but... I would say "blurry" as it touches on one aspect and not the problems and effects this would have on you and society as a whole and what is perceived from it. Continue writing though please, some of the most intelligent and insightful writings, paintings, musical scores in history were done by people who were seen as strange, withdrawn, and different from the majority.
Wow, so well written and built upon, I feel a definite connection with how our loved ones can become so entangled in the fight for individuality, a yearning to branch out and make your mark upon the world but that there is always a cost that so many come to forget that on that individual journey your trading your cherished past for your lustful future. People would do well to remember that nothing is ever truly free and you never know when that "later" will become "never again".
simplicity is good and can sometimes have a larger meaning and by extension be more open to interpretation yet I find this bland and with little emotion. wait until your met with this feeling of hopelessness and low self worth and at your most vulnerable then let your thoughts ponder on how he/she could do this? how is this affecting you on a deeper level? what are your raw emotions that your feeling? then take these same emotions and compare them symbolically with other beautiful or grim imagery and let your words flow together to create an orchestra of imaginary bliss, show them in their mind your pain and love and hate through your picture show of words.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beasty89
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 12:20am on Apr 19, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
