I found this via the Read & Review. I enjoyed your poem very much, having grown up in a seafaring community with lots of tales about those lost in storms gone by. Your rhythm and tone are good throughout.
There are a couple of places where the wording might be better, such as:
They sailed with backs against the wind
as the eye of the storm would grow.
Those last two words feel awkward and forced. I know how hard it is to get the rhyme in the right place, but I'd see if you could make this tighter.
Overall, a fine effort and I'm not surprised you won the contest. Write on!
I found your poem through the Read & Review. This made me laugh. You do a good job describing the little monsters we let live in our houses, in spite of their clever and destructive habits.
I thought the last two lines were a little weak, and could be stronger as "on the attack" or something other than the vague "there" (though it does circle back to the beginning).
I found this on the Read & Review. What a charming and saucy poem about Mary Todd. I enjoyed this glimpse into her life, and even more your buoyant description alluding to their courtship. I wouldn't change anything, but just wanted to express my appreciation.
I found your poem through the Read & Review. I have to say, I like the message and the emotion behind your words, but it feels like you could clean up a few small things and increase its impact. While I am not a stickler for punctuation in poetry, sometimes it even hurts, I think you would be well served by breaking up a few of the lines with commas or hyphens. In a line such as:
Letters speak but voices fade seeds of descent have been laid.
It can be a little hard to parse, which slows down and interrupts the flow and message. Just adding a comma after fade would help the reader a lot.
There are also a couple of glitches, such as it spreads and grow which should be it spreads and grows. I can't tell if you did that on purpose to match the internal rhyme with below, but even if you did, it would be a near rhyme written as grows, and would not cause readers to stop and blink at the usage.
I found your poem through the Read & Review feature. You have a good sense of flow and rhythm here as your poem builds in intensity. Well done.
There are a few distracting glitches you could fix easily such as the period after the question marks which aren't necessary. I think I'd also skip the quotation marks entirely. I always encourage poets to clean and tighten so the strength of their words shine through.
Wow, well that's certainly a new and different take on stardom. It's fun to see a poem that doesn't take itself too seriously, and yet still expresses something.
A minor point, but in that first line, it should be
I think this is an excellent effort to organize and document the systems of magic you use in your writing. While there are many systems out there, with differing levels of organization or coherency, it seems important to clarify to yourself what works, what costs, and the source of everything.
So, absolutely, a very good exercise for an author writing fantasy. Well done.
One possible way you might want to expand on this a little is in the area of attribution to or consistency with "canon". (I know there isn't one canon, but bear with me.) If you you extended each section a little to mention how this form of magic reflects or contrasts with other popular systems, it would help you focus on what people might expect and thus need more hints about. For example, the concept of Time Lords is obviously used in Doctor Who (and possibly others SFF novels - I don't know). If your section on Temporal Magic mentioned that, it could then lightly describe where you were consistent and where you were not. That might then help you in writing to highlight (subtly) the differences, so your readers wouldn't assume something else. It would also help if you needed to mention something in your Acknowledgements about the similarities.
Good work, and best of luck in your quest to become a Best Selling Author.
Lovely sentiment and evocative phrasing. You adapt to the form fairly well (no surprise there, given your skill), though I sense some hesitation in the final couplets as if you are... stretching it out a bit.
As an example, if you had no syllable requirement, you likely could have used:
It's no more than light playing on the snow
or even something like the following if you wanted a more rhythmic sound:
No more than moonlight on the snow
But aside from the slight feel that you are working against the form, you use you words well, and I really like the emotion you bring to it.
A fun activity. I sent my version via email before I read any of the others, but it is fun to see what people have come up with. There is such a wide range of stories. (A personal favorite is the demon spawn joining the local soccer team.)
Anyway, here is my version for people who might not make it to the bottom:
Once upon a time there was a dragon in a deep dark cave. Everyday he'd eat someone, whether honest man or knave. One day a Princess rode by and told him not to misbehave. Because of that, the dragon roared, swore the Princess he'd enslave. Until finally, she slew the beast leaving just an unmarked grave.
What a lovely poem. The idea of Annie (both of them) in the helter skelter graveyard (a place I'd love to rest in myself), is delightful. I enjoyed every bit of it, as I am sure my grandmother would as well (may she rest in peace).
Oh, fun and creepy and surprising. All things I love in a ghost story. I like the moody feel, and the way you show him growing older and "wiser", which is often the downfall of young men. I also love hearing about ghost stories from different countries, as there are such interesting differences.
I didn't see any typos or grammatical errors. Nice job!
Interesting read. I enjoyed the scenario, and how it twisted and turned. You made pretty good use of the senses, which really help with a moody piece like this, though I'd suggest you go even further. How does the room smell? What does he feel like as he wakes up. That sort of thing.
You do a good job of song writing here. I like the imagery, and I like the refrain. You have a few typos, such as jut got in the way and later The pressures just got to oo much, both in the first stanza. I'm also not sure that the line same old religio\political song is easy to sing, or would be easy to understand by somebody hearing, so I'd suggest you work on that a bit.
A nicely written poem with a strong sense of resolve showing through. You do well at communicating the struggles and shortcomings, but the focus is firmly on how you can and will do better. As much as a poem, it feels like an affirmation, and I wish you all the best in carrying on with it. (While I know this is from when you were younger, experience suggests that if you are posting it now, you have matured into a realization that such affirmations need to be reconfirmed over and over through life.)
You do a good job with world building here, and a fairly good job introducing the character. (I would suggest changing her name, as unless you intend people to think about Miley Cyrus, the name is way too close, I found it distracting.) I got a good sense of the effort of the people reclaiming the barren lands, and the horror of those who would not only steal to feed themselves, but intentionally contaminate the lands that had been reclaimed. I think you have a good start here.
I would suggest being careful with your imagery. The "like a pile of discarded pipe ash" is unique, but detracts from the horror. When coming up with imagery, it helps if the mood is carried through, so that the image does the double duty of evoking both a visual and emotional scene.
An excellent poem about a dark and disturbing subject, but one we are all going to have to face sooner or later. I think it was a good idea to write this in a "close third" perspective, so that we could feel the demons which haunt him. We all have to be careful we don't have such demons inside ourselves, even if they may not be so fierce and corrosive.
I wanted a chance to review a recent poem after reviewing your earlier one. You are a fine poet and writer, and it is fun to see the growth and maturity.
First time I've seen this poem of yours, and I'm glad I did. The first two stanzas are great. They flow well, and sound good either aloud or silently.
For me, the third stanza falls apart a little. Part of it is the rhythm, which both doesn't match the first two stanzas, and is just awkward to read. Part of it is that I think you went further than you needed with the theme. The first two themes certainly suggest suicidal thoughts, but they leave it ambiguous and open to interpretation. It feels like this was earlier in your writing career when you didn't quite trust the reader as much. I did that a lot when I started writing poetry, and I hope I have learned to trust.
Still, I was very glad I got a chance to read it. It is fun to see how you have developed over time, and this certainly showed some of that promise.
We are close to the same age (okay, I'm a couple years older), so we have lived through much of the same tumultuous times. You do a good job of evoking the emotions of living through those times and the difficulty of living now. I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiments for each doing our part to make the world a little more kind and compassionate.
I am a judge for the Invalid Item. It is my pleasure to read and review your senryu.
This is intriguing. I like the feel and flow, though I am unsure quite what it means. The first line is excellent, and the second feels like you are going somewhere, but the last doesn't tie it up as much as I would like. It is tough in such a short form to communicate all you want to, but I think you could play with the words a bit more and perhaps communicate the idea better.
Hi. I'm a new judge for Invalid Item, here to give you a review for your Pathya Vat poem, Jungle.
This was a fun little poem, and I enjoyed it, but I'm afraid you misread the directions. Each line is supposed to have four syllables, not three. You did the rhymes correctly though, so I feel you got the spirit of the form, if not quite the right rules.
Thanks for entering, and write on! I look forward to reading your poems again in the future.
Hi. I'm a new judge for Invalid Item, here to give you a review for your Pathya Vat poem, Snow Storm.
You did a fairly good good with the form. The syllables were all correct, but there were a couple variations in the rhymes that might be acceptable in a poem in general, but don't follow the form as strictly as the rules require. The hiccups were eaves, which isn't a true rhyme with trees and pleas, as well as ensued, which isn't a true rhyme with blew and grew.
I like the theme of the poem, and enjoyed how you moved from outside to inside, getting warmer as you did. Nice job!
I found your poem via Read & Review, and am glad I did. It is a very interesting poem about a boy growing from a baby to a man, and how the world shifts around him and his growing perception of it.
I like the way you contrast the seasons and weather with the man's maturing. That worked most of the time, although it seemed to me that:
As, also, the winter’s breeze slowly begins,
should be
As, also, the autumn’s breeze slowly begins,
since that would show progression better. The only other thing that detracted from my enjoyment of the poem's structure was that you switched up the sequence, where in the beginning you had: As the last warm summer sun
... So ages the youth...
and later had:
And, as this youth suddenly emerges a man, So winter’s rage
It feels like it would work better structurally to go from weather to person consistently. But I still enjoyed the poem a great deal. Write on!
What a curious mixture of sadness and hope, despair and love. I enjoyed your story, and how you told a message, but also left many questions.
I wish that I could have found out more about the Llama, who seemed both to lead them and to be alone. Perhaps metaphorically, the llama is the Holy spirit. Anyway, I'd like to know more.
Write on!
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