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Review of Mangled  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello and welcome to WDC! You have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from the "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM CLOSED 4NOW by one of its group leaders, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life . Have a great day and enjoy the reviews! Review 2 of 3.


Overall impression
Having grown up in upstate New York (East Aurora, outside Buffalo), I certainly could relate to the weather you describe.

What I liked most
I like your last line, and the way you build up to that eloquent statement.

My general suggestions
Just as a lovely garden can gradually become overgrown, you language has a tendency to creep away from you. You need to prune it down and let the garden show.

For example:

Green buds were just beginning to make their first appearance on the trees as if escaping an icy tomb in which all life seemed to have been trapped for months.

Try to read that out loud. Besides running out of breath, you likely stumbled over a few errant phrases that were jammed in between the metaphors. How about pruning it down?

Green tree buds were just escaping their icy tomb.

Play with it and see if you can get it to be just what you want, but try to whittle it down to an essence.

Technical issues
You switch from past the present tense a few times (fairly typical of 9th grade, I'd guess). Check carefully for that.

Conclusion
I enjoyed your story, but think you could make it even stronger with some careful pruning and trimming.

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152
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and welcome to WDC! You have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from the "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM CLOSED 4NOW by one of its group leaders, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life . Have a great day and enjoy the reviews! Review 1 of 3.


Overall impression
An interesting, well structured poem about loss of love and the emotions around dealing with that loss.

What I liked most
I like the structure you use, and the language is very rich. In particular, I liked the second stanza:

Portray me not as I say—
An affronted man forgotten, dismayed, and bewitched
All the tears you wished you would view
All the strife you hoped you could brew


My general suggestions
There are a couple of places where you start crossing the line between rich and obtuse. In particular, the stanza starting "Portray me at my most fallacious reign—" feels like it has crossed the line. While it is wonderful to have and use an extensive vocabulary, you have to not get caught up in it.

Technical issues
Nothing that I saw that is inconsistent with poetic license.

Conclusion
This was interesting. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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153
Review of The Gates Of Hell  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Congratulations, you have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM" , courtesy of one of the group's leaders, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life .
Review 3 of 3.


Overall impression
An interesting, dark poem about Hell, and getting there.

What I liked most
I liked the gradual increase in anger and pain which seemed to emulate the process of entering Hell.

My general suggestions
There feels like some sort of switch in perspective between the person entering and somebody within Hell which made the poem disconcerting. Read it through and think about point of view and see if you agree.

Technical issues
many were frozen in track -> Should be "in their tracks"

cause now is to late -> Should be too late

and if you push to hard -> Should be too hard

lets get on with the business -> Should be let's

Conclusion
I find this disturbing, but I think it is meant to be. You write well, even when descending a bit into madness (now, there's a mixed compliment, eh? *Smile*).

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Review of Mercer Street  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Congratulations, you have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM" , courtesy of one of the group's leaders, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life .
Review 2 of 3.


Overall impression
Intriguing and powerful poem about life growing up in the projects.

What I liked most
I like the way you use images and references rather than spelling things out explicitly. My favorite was:

playing doctor seems so great
injections draw no blood but leave a mark
confusion bares a scar that last forever


I also liked the innovative wording which gave a different-than-usual impression, such as "of all the doors that spurt their treasures on Halloween".

My general suggestions
Not really sure what to suggest. As before, a careful, line by line edit is almost always advisable, but this is very good as is.

Technical issues
This is categorized as a "Short Story", and it should be "Poetry".

or maybe scrape you knee on painted bases -> Should be your

when holidays are lonely and gone -> The last word seems incorrect. Perhaps you could rewrite it to end with "alone".

Conclusion
Another very good poem. I enjoy your writing, and am glad I have the opportunity to review it.

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155
Review of Father  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Congratulations, you have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM" , courtesy of one of the group's leaders, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life .
Review 1 of 3.


Overall impression
A lovely poem about fathers, and what they mean.

What I liked most
I like that you go beyond the strictly warm fuzzy sentiments and address real issues, like birth control, and don't sugarcoat the relationship, as when you say "and when you drink beer and discuss women/don't forget that I'm only ten".

My general suggestions
The poem is good, but could use a little polish and careful editing. These don't detract much, but it is a poem that deserves the little extra effort.

Lines that have awkward word for rhyming, or that I didn't understand:

tell me about the things that made you flow

and to that surprise party that you forgot to set

Technical issues
so lets set a date -> Should be let's

now that your old and gray -> Should be you're

Conclusion
Very nice job on this. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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Review of My waterfall  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Congratulations, you have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM" , courtesy of one of the group's leaders, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life .
Review 3 of 3.


Overall impression
A lovely poem that both reads and looks like a waterfall.

What I liked most
I like much of this poem, but my favorite lines are:

My dream with you is to be
Married under a waterfall.
With each other's heart dripping
Wet with the other's love we share.


My general suggestions
There are lots of little issues, such as words run together, for example "Everytingle", "touchof" and "eachothers". There are also a few typos, such as "continueing", which should be "continuing", and "One my body", which should be "On my body". Just read through the poem carefully and I am sure you can catch these.

Conclusion
Your fiance sounds like a lucky man.


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Review of My heart, defined  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Congratulations, you have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM" , courtesy of one of the group's leaders, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life .
Review 2 of 3.


Overall impression
A very sad poem of despair and loneliness.

What I liked most
I liked the way you steooed back and saw yourself in stages or layers (woman, girl, child) in:

Emptiness builds a home in this woman
In this girl, this child where hollows have bred
A deepening sea of nowhereness consumes
And eats away at every connecting thread


In general, I think the abcb rhyme scheme worked well here, giving a sense of some order and some chaos, mixed together.

My general suggestions
Some of the lines could use a little care in editing. For example:

Leaving nothing considered worthy remains

This doesn't quite make sense. You could have "Nothing considered worthy remains" or "Leaving nothing considered worthy", but not both. I think a careful read out loud would probably reveal these sorts of issues quickly and easily.

Conclusion
I hope that your heart is not as sad as this poem implies. The world is a brighter place than this, but sometimes it does not appear to be so.


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158
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Congratulations, you have been randomly selected from the Read A Newbie page to receive a Read All About It Package from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM" , courtesy of one of the group's leaders, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life .
Review 1 of 3.


I enjoyed your happy poem, even as a certain amount of sadness was clearly being forcibly pushed aside. The rhymes make the poem feel more light and breezy, and I can almost imagine you talking yourself into a good mood as you plan a day for yourself.

My only suggestion from a technical point of view is to watch out for places where you mingle a noun and verb, such as "A crossword or cogitate". It would be better as two nouns (things which you try) or two verbs (things which you try to do).

I was glad to come across your poems. Welcome to Writing.com, and I hope you enjoy your time here.

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Review of My Trusty iPod  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Title: I like the title in terms of drawing a reader in, but less so in terms of its actual meaning.

Plot: Wow! I haven't the foggiest idea what I feel, since my head is still spinning.

Style & Voice: This is good, but shifts wildly from the beginning to end with the almost disconnected music world feel to the later fantasy/horror feel.

Referencing: I started off with this seeming like one sort of story, and it switched gears so suddenly, I never quite recovered.

Scene/Setting: This is all brilliant, although it is hard to see how the different scenes fit together.

Characters: The characters are drawn well, and were easy to relate to (when they weren't turning into monsters)

Grammar: There are some issues, but not too many. I could do a careful edit, but I think there is bigger work to be done first.

Just My Personal Opinion: This was a wild ride, and some of it was fun, but some of it was just too weird for me. I am also confused, because the iPod didn't seem to do much for her. It would have helped the guys, but she didn't seem susceptible to their music anyway. It just seemed a bit of a let-down when all it did was help her clear her head. At that rate, she should have given it to the guys.

I think there is a lot of potential in the story, but the shift between music scene and rampaging monsters was too abrupt for me.
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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Title: I like the title. It has an ambiguous meaning at first that gradually makes more sense.

Plot: This is one of those plots that starts well, but seems to fall short of the original promise. You introduce is to a pair of partner detectives, so it seems reasonable to assume that they will detect something, but almost as soon as they start detecting, they fall victim to what they were trying to find. It is possible that if this had happened six thousand words later after a series of attempts and miscues, it would feel appropriate, but right now it just feels chopped off.

Style & Voice: The style is interesting, for the most part, but only starts to develop as the story goes on. If it started right from the beginning, and continued all the way to the end, the story would feel more smooth. The voice of the characters is also a bit inconsistent. The protagonist starts with a strong internal voice, but the dialogue between him and Sherm is fairly wooden.

"Hey, Jim! There does seem to be a common link here. All these people were working on their computers when they died."

"You’re right, Sherm, but what could that have to do with their dying?"

If you find yourself writing "You’re right, Sherm" in a dialogue, it should be a big red flag.

Referencing: I seldom have much to say in this category, but in this case, I am genuinely confused. Is the story supposed to be detective or horror, realistic or paranormal? His extrasensory perception seems completely out-of-the-blue and random, almost as if the author couldn't quite figure out what how to resolve the situation.

There is also a weird disconnect between the first corpse, which has been drained of blood somehow, and the latter ones, which have died with no trace of how. Also, the weird screen saver shown in the first death is way too much of a giveaway as to the importance of the computers, but also seems not to be there with the others.

Scene/Setting: The early scenes are pretty good, but they get less realistic as you move through the story. The final "facilities" are very hard to picture or imagine based on the story.

Characters: The only character who is given any depth is the protagonist, and even he is a bit hard to imagine based on what is said. I would suggest more interaction between the partners to give us a sense of both appearance and character.

Grammar: There are small problems, but nothing huge. There are much bigger issues with the story which should be worked out before worrying about grammar and spelling and such.

Just My Personal Opinion: I think the story has promise, but I think you need to clarify for yourself what kind of story it is. If it is a detective story, there needs to be much more detecting and discovery. If it is a classic "ghost story", it would be better to have the main characters not be detectives, and just stumble on the problem somehow. If it is a paranormal story, that should be made clear early on and play into the plot from the beginning.

Of course, these are just my thoughts. Do with them what you will, and I hope I was able to be of some small help.
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Review of The Remnants  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
This looks like a fun and exciting story. I'd certainly be happy to read more.

What I liked most
I like the characters, who manage to jump out of the page with just a few lines. I'd like to get to know them better, and find out the story behind them.

My general suggestions
Don't add too many of the "whatnow", "prolly" and "ya" type words, as they seem a bit overdone. Dialect or mannerisms usually require only a very light touch to be effective.

Technical issues
This is a rough draft, so I didn't bother to either check for or evaluate on grammar/spelling/etc.

Conclusion
Definitely, write on. This sounds like a lot of fun to me.


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Review of If I Could  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
percy goodfellow , I am judging your poem as part of Round 21 of the Invalid Item  contest. I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.


Round 21 Prompt: Use the words SOLD, LEAVES and KEY somewhere in your poem.

Round 21 Form: Diatelle
The Diatelle is a fun, syllable counting form like the etheree with a twist. The syllable structure of the diatelle is as follows: 1/2/3/4/6/8/10/12/10/8/6/4/3/2/1, but unlike an ethere, has a set rhyme pattern of abbcbccaccbcbba. This poetry form may be written on any subject matter and looks best center aligned in a diamond shape.

Overall impression
An interesting poem in a difficult form.

Technical adherence to form and prompt
You adhered to the form well in one sense, but not so well in another. I think you got tripped up by the fact that words like "hour" and "power" can be either one syllable or two, but if they rhyme, they must be the same number of syllables. You use "power" as one syllable and then rhyme it with "bower" as two syllables.

Additionally, you shouldn't really use the same word as a rhyme multiple times, but you repeat "hour", "could" and "would".

What I liked most
I like your images and language in this piece. The vocabulary adds life and interest to your words.

My general suggestions and technical concerns
When writing with syllable-counting forms (which frustrate many people), be wary of words that may be pronounced with different numbers of syllables, or that may sound like they are (e.g., "oil" and "smile" are both one syllable, but sound to some people like two).

Rating and Rationale
Due to the difficulties with the rhymes and syllables, I counted this down some, but the language and style raised it up a bit, so I gave it 3.5 stars, which is above average at Writing.com.
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Review of Tribulation  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
🌕 HuntersMoon , I am judging your poem as part of Round 21 of the Invalid Item  contest. I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.


Round 21 Prompt: Use the words SOLD, LEAVES and KEY somewhere in your poem.

Round 21 Form: Diatelle
The Diatelle is a fun, syllable counting form like the etheree with a twist. The syllable structure of the diatelle is as follows: 1/2/3/4/6/8/10/12/10/8/6/4/3/2/1, but unlike an ethere, has a set rhyme pattern of abbcbccaccbcbba. This poetry form may be written on any subject matter and looks best center aligned in a diamond shape.

Overall impression
A very interesting take on the form, using the shape as theme.

Technical adherence to form and prompt
You handled the form very well, which is to your credit, as it is a difficult form to do well. You also handled the prompt words well and creatively.

What I liked most
I liked your interesting way of looking at "tribulation" as pressure, and the implied value at the end of it.

My general suggestions and technical concerns
I don't have many suggestions. It was well written and interesting. Perhaps the "shield" term is a bit odd in the context of the other imagery you use, but otherwise, I can't think of much to add.

Rating and Rationale
Because you followed the form and prompts well, and wrote with passion and energy, I gave this 4.5 stars. Good luck with the contest!
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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Prosperous Snow Valentine , I am judging your poem as part of Round 21 of the Invalid Item  contest. I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.


Round 21 Prompt: Use the words SOLD, LEAVES and KEY somewhere in your poem.

Round 21 Form: Diatelle
The Diatelle is a fun, syllable counting form like the etheree with a twist. The syllable structure of the diatelle is as follows: 1/2/3/4/6/8/10/12/10/8/6/4/3/2/1, but unlike an ethere, has a set rhyme pattern of abbcbccaccbcbba. This poetry form may be written on any subject matter and looks best center aligned in a diamond shape.

Overall impression
A poem about autumn leaves and love, both falling.

Technical adherence to form and prompt
You followed the form fairly well, but fudged pretty heavily on the rhymes by using "change" three times, "range" twice and "dead" twice". It detracts from this sort of form to re-use words in the rhymes without a very good reason.

You used the prompt words fairly well, although "sold" feels a bit forced in that context.

What I liked most
I liked the melancholy air of the poem. You set the tone well.

My general suggestions and technical concerns
I am not a big fan of all lowercase in poetry, but if you are going to use it, you need to stick to it completely. You use "i to refer to yourself three times, and then "I, and it stands out. Other than that, the poem lacks a certain cohesion after the autumn/love imagery, and it starts to feel forced and awkward at the end. Perhaps the lack of puncutation is making the last few lines ambiguous. I'm not sure.

Rating and Rationale
You followed the form fairly well, with a few glitches, and set a good tone, so I gave you 3.5 stars, which is above average.
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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jaye P. Marshall , this review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Review package gifted to you by SHERRI GIBSON , with the message "Thank you for your loyalty to Simply Positive!"
Review 4 of 5.


Overall impression
A first encounter with a stranger in an old Western town, but will he be love or trouble?

What I liked most
I liked the way you mislead the reader a bit, hinting about the stranger and Jesse James. The characters are believable, and the situation (young woman of an age to marry, but not too keen on the local farmers or the sleazy bank teller) is interesting.

My general suggestions
I don't have any suggestions to give. This was fun, and captured the mood perfectly.

Technical issues
I didn't see any errors. Nice and clean.

Conclusion
Well written and fun. I'm not a particular fan of romances, but this seemed to fit the bill nicely.

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Review of At The Palace  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Jaye P. Marshall , this review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Review package gifted to you by SHERRI GIBSON , with the message "Thank you for your loyalty to Simply Positive!"
Review 3 of 5.


Overall impression
A scene in a nightclub, with two women who want to be left in peace, but aren't.

What I liked most
I liked the way you developed the characters and the setting. This had the makings of a longer and more developed story.

My general suggestions
Finish it. Or rather, turn it into a story rather than a mere scene, a vignette. You set the scene well, but don't really have a purpose beyond setting the scene.

Technical issues
There were various small errors or glitches, such as missing the question mark at the end of "and what better place than the Palace", and using "wended" in a place where it feels out-of-place, and even using "and the Palace came to life" immediately after describing the early evening which also sounds alive. Perhaps even "and the Palace really came to life" would be better.

Conclusion
You have a great setting, some interesting characters - now you just need to fill out the plot to match the rest.

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Review of Wednesday's Child  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Jaye P. Marshall , this review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Review package gifted to you by SHERRI GIBSON , with the message "Thank you for your loyalty to Simply Positive!"
Review 2 of 5.


Overall impression
I liked the story, pulling me back to an earlier time (earlier even than me, as I grew up in the 60's, but familiar nonetheless).

What I liked most
I liked the deliberation Barbara goes through, knowing what she has to face, and knowing the difficulty, but also knowing that it is part of her and Larry.

My general suggestions
The part at the bridge is ambiguous, and perhaps intentionally so, but I think you might get a bit more explicit. You say "she leaped toward", and it is just a bit too vague. Even if you want to leave it unclear what her fate is, you should make it more clear what her action is.

Technical issues
I didn't see any issues. Very clean writing.

Conclusion
I enjoyed this very much. I hope to read more of your 1950s writing.

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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Jaye P. Marshall , this review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Review package gifted to you by SHERRI GIBSON , with the message "Thank you for your loyalty to Simply Positive!"
Review 1 of 5.


Overall impression
A story about easy money, and how the lure of it leads to no good.

What I liked most
I liked the character of Lillian, who has high hopes for a vacation with the grandkids, but seems not to have learned that there are few shortcuts to wealth. Her character was maintained throughout, from lottery tickets to the inevitable conclusion.

My general suggestions
I'm torn. It is hard to believe that she wouldn't question the situation more, but then it is always hard for me to believe people will do the things they do, so perhaps it is realistic after all.

Technical issues
I saw no issues. Good job!

Conclusion
This was fun and relatively true to life. Keep on writing!

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Review of The Cat  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A taut, exciting story about being alone.. then not... and facing one's fears.

What I liked most
I like how the realization of the predicament he is in grows slowly, with the gradual details noticed about how dark it is getting and how far the next town is.

My general suggestions
It was a little hard to believe, but only a little, that he wound up hitchhiking in such a remote place without any camping gear, but I guess people do foolish things.

The one part of the story that seemed a little odd was how easily the fire was started. "Like waking from a dream....it bloomed upon my consciousness that it was already built." Even with a lighter, in the situation he was in, being watched, it would seem like this would be more of a challenge.

Technical issues
I didn't see any issues.

Conclusion
Great story. I really enjoyed the tension growing, and could imagine myself there as it got darker and the eyes emerged. Good job!

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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Specialty package gifted to you by SHERRI GIBSON .
Review 4 of 5.


Overall impression
A wonderful, haunting poem.

What I liked most
The language and flow in this poem are marvelous. Sometimes it is better to be absolutely sure what a poem means to describe, and sometimes it is better to let the mood take over, and the latter is true with this poem.

My general suggestions
I don't have any suggestions. This stands well on its own.

Technical issues
Very clean. Good job!

Conclusion
I enjoyed this very much. This is the last of my five reviews (despite their being sent out of order), and it has been a great pleasure fulfilling this package for SHERRI GIBSON . Write on!

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Review of Who's there?  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Specialty package gifted to you by anon.
Review 1 of n.


Overall impression
An amusing story/poem about what goes bump (and creak and groan) in the night.

What I liked most
I liked the imagery, and some of the clever ideas about what the noise might be. I have to say, my favorite lines were:

Just before life from faint heart elopes,
Victim of the baleful Lurking Snark.


My general suggestions
Given that you are not sticking to a strict meter or syllable count, it feels like some of the lines could use an article or pronoun or two to feel more natural. For example, "Is it the wind flirting with the drapes?" sounds natural, while "if scaly snake or winged beast with beak." does not sound very natural. Of course, having said that, let me put in a recommendation for an even syllable count, or better yet an even meter, as children respond so well to the rhythms.

Technical issues
There are a few little oddities with punctuation, such as "Who’s there?’ repeating querulous query" with the odd apostrophe after the question mark but not at the beginning - if you must use quotes, use double quotes and add one at the beginning as well.

Conclusion
This was a fun and wholesome children's poem, and worked quite well.

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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Specialty package gifted to you by SHERRI GIBSON .
Review 5 of 5.


Overall impression
A wonderful story of a boy and a girl with conviction teaching their elders something about cooperation.

What I liked most
This was a great story, with all the characters vibrant and alive, and the seemingly simple situation a wonderful metaphor for much larger conflicts.

My general suggestions
None to give really. A heartwarming and well-told story.

Technical issues
In the paragraph starting with "His school-bag" and the one after, you use "His" and "Him" a bit too frequently, so that I couldn't quite tell whether Karia or Ravi was the person referred to. I'd look those over and make it a bit more clear, as it slows the reader down trying to parse the meaning.

Conclusion
A truly delightful story. Thanks for sharing.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance as part of a Just Because I Want To Specialty package gifted to you by SHERRI GIBSON .
Review 1 of 5.


Overall impression
A very intriguing looking-backward looking-forward story that suggest we don't have all the answers we think we do.

What I liked most
I liked the slow, almost reverent description of the preparations the "Old One" made at the fire. Your ability to describe the setting and make it real is great!

My general suggestions
I like the gist of the ending, but am not sure the saying on the wall quite works. While I understand what you are trying to imply, I think you might have to search a bit harder to find a similar message that is more likely to actually appear in large letters on a wall.

Technical issues
I didn't see any issues. Good writing!

Conclusion
The was provocative and interesting - I enjoyed reading it and imagine I will be back to look at it again, as I do with stories that make me think.

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Review of Fiendish Delight  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
🌕 HuntersMoon , I am a guest judge for Round 14 of the Invalid Item . I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.



Round 14 Prompt: Supernatural


Overall impression
Couplets about a creepy, though sensual, horror that stalks the night.


What I liked most
Your imagery and wordplay is wonderful, and lends just the right atmosphere to the slowly building crescendo of horror.

My general suggestions and technical concerns
While the couplets rhyme well, and you have creative, interesting rhymes, the varying lengths of the lines is somewhat distracting. Most couplets are even in length, even if they vary between separate couplets, because this makes for a more melodic read.

There are also a few glitches where it feels like you missed or added a word. For example, "to believe that is was passion" doesn't make sense. Perhaps the "is" was meant to be "this"?

Rating and Rationale
The poem was written well, and had a strong theme. It was also a little rough in spots, and had an uneven feel due to the varying line lengths which made it harder to read, so I gave it 4 stars, which is above average. Good luck in the contest!
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Review of Well-Hid Panties  
Review by Ben Langhinrichs
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An intriguing poem that dances around the edge of comprehensibility without ever quite entering the ring.

What I liked most
I like the language and playful tone, and I think I might even like the rest if I could get my head around it.

My general suggestions
Try to read this (and I know it is difficult), as if you are an outsider who knows nothing about what you are assuming. Every stanza left me scratching my head, but with the sense that I was just missing something by looking at it wrong. For example, I come to a line such as "For my faith, I’d be less moved" and I don't know what you mean at all. It could be you mean "but for my faith", as in "if it were not for my faith", but then you'd expect "I'd be more moved". As it is, I am left scratching my head, and it is already quite sore.

In short, I don't get it at all. I may be dense, but I can't figure out whether he is seeing the girl and she is ignoring him, or seeing her and afraid to approach her, or seeing her and constrained by morality to not approach her, or is perhaps approaching her. I just don't get what is going on at all, even if that makes me dense.

Conclusion
I keep feeling that I would really enjoy this poem, and am frustrated at my inability to do so. I hope you clarify it somehow so I can enjoy it as I would like.


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