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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bluewhite
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19 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Mary's Tale  
Review by Joe 45
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
OK, this made me laugh. I am a fan of doggerel, wit, and parody, so I appreciate when the three conflate. I'd love to criticize, but this works almost perfectly for what it is. I give out five-stars like manhole covers; in fact, this is the first one I've given in 20 reviews. Great job.

Joe
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Review of Her  
Review by Joe 45
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done. At first, I was prepared as a fellow writer to commiserate with a bad case of writer's block, and while I was sympathetic, I didn't see it as terribly original. Well written, but not anything new.

Then you came with the scene about him describing the young woman in the shop, and that was well done. I particularly like how you don't specify the details about her as he writes them down; each of us (especially men) can picture own own preferences and desires. Deftly done.

The ending was, of course, heartbreaking, though it felt a little bit rushed...did you have a word count? The change of tense stands out, highlighting that what happened was in the past and he still waits there now...at first I wasn't sure I liked the tense change, but as I let it roll around in my mouth, I think it works.

Great job. You show great ability here.

Joe

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3
3
Review by Joe 45
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
And then they had lots of little demon-spawn...

I'm trying to figure out if "you" believe the early commentary on Valentine's Day, or if it is a device to set the character up for the later ambush. Some of the anti-child stuff is a little over the top (and as a father of two, yeah, the little buggers can be hellions).

I do like the writing, your have a clean, clear style. You also have a good ear for dialogue that shows between your main characters.

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4
4
Review by Joe 45
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good strong prose. Good use of imagery for both Harry and the Morlock, though perhaps a little too evident - I was guessing an angel and a demon before the supernatural really started to fly. Though I was wrong, wasn't I, so perhaps you've got it spot on.

Sounds very much like the beginning of a longer tale. I'd like to know more about Cara from the beginning - what set her apart from the other ladies at the diner? Is she younger? Prettier? Smarter? Something's up with her. You might be unveiling in your own way, and I suspect you are. Keep at it.

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5
5
Review by Joe 45
Rated: E | (3.5)
First: good information to know. I'll remember not to feed gummi worms (or bears, or gummi anything) to a horse.

Also, excellent prose. At the beginning, the detail added did a nice job of evoking the setting. Balloons, hot dogs, all of it. Yeah, the fair. I'm there.

The dialogue works - though one nitpick I have as a parent of small boys is Thomas is just slightly a little too self-aware and witty. Small boys are cheeky, come out with all kinds of stuff, but he just hit me as a little too sharp. "I'm almost a grownup" - "mum keeps wandering off". If this is part of a larger piece that shows Thomas as more than he seems, I get it...though really it just caught me a little, nothing too outrageous.

Nice work. Is there more?

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6
6
Review by Joe 45
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Interesting indeed. I very much liked the underlying concept that human sentience has been driven by the ghosts of a former civilization - a new twist on the "alien seeding" concept. I noted the "second chance" line early on. Are the Aki making the same mistakes they did before? Are the mistakes inevitable for an advancing civilization?

I found the science eminently plausible; your use of jargon was appropriate and useful. This could very well be the germ of a larger work; looking in two directions - forward as the Aki guide humanity, and backward as you delve into the earlier civilization of the Aki. Parellels would abound, and perhaps new /old conflicts emerge. I suspect some Aki would seek to overcome the physical limitations of their hosts; perhaps one or several with ambitions beyond being an unseen, unfelt presence might happen to inhabit a human with ambitions of their own...all sorts of possibilities.

I really wanted to know more about the Aki. You've got me hooked. Nice work.
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