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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bnove
Review Requests: ON
11 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Roots and Wings  
Review by Mage
Rated: E | (4.0)
Aundria,

Welcome to Writing.com. The following is just my opinion and is only intended to be of help. First, you've grammatic error and typos throughout the piece, which could be cleared up by proofreading once more. It's a nice story, but needs more detail. The Mormon piece at the end is surprising and with added detail early on needn't be. It should lead the reader there, especially since this another family's story.

I write historical fiction about coming to America. Two of my short stories have now been published in anthologies. I've written a story of someone else's family too from very little facts. I had to do some research on my own, and I "filled" in details from the period and the history of the time, which enhanced that story immeasurably. I think if you add a "middle" section showing Priscilla's meeting her husband or being exposed to the idea of going to "Zion," how the idea grips her soul like those seeking religious freedom and boarding the Mayflower, you'll have an even stronger piece.

Write-on!
Mage
2
2
Review by Mage
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First of all, kudos on this piece.

Setting: Terrifying – eye doctor’s office, one of the most frightening places in the world...
Plot: Torture will not prevail.
Characterization: Right on target.
Can I feel it factor: Oh, yes, I’d have run screaming faster than you…
What I liked: Your writing this in this in the first person narrative, which makes it compelling.
What could be improved: The very beginning could flow a bit better. For example, the second sentence of the opening paragraph will read better as two sentences. Also, why this particularly “winning personality doctor?” I think a sentence about going to the nearest Eye Center or being new to the area might clear up never having met the little torturer. Worse twist you might consider, the – perhaps, slightly sadistic - aunt and uncle being counted on to help with the kids who are in waiting room suggest this is the perfect place to take you – which opens up other possibilities for why you’d rather not count on their help.

Write-on!

Mage
Reviewed as part of the Coffee Shop of the Fantasy Society Review Raid
3
3
Review by Mage
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, great setting and kudos for originality. You did pretty well with the ending. However this story would have been stronger if it flowed more smoothly grammatically.

I've listed the typos and one of the awkward sentences below.

I found the old man's madness difficult to read, cleaning up the grammar, will improve it dramatically... The end of the story makes clear why he's mad and ties that angle of your story up perfectly.

The kewpie doll is rather brilliant... The ant inside is original. Kudos. I think the piece would be a little stronger at the end if you said a little more specifically if you elude more to the ant being angry, perhaps crawling to look out the doll's mouth before tormenting not-God.

Also, I didn't pick up on the old man feeding the doll ever -- I may need to re-read it for that since the doll/ant must have been fed regularly.

It might also help to stress how the old man had come to love the doll in his madness.

Typos:
Maybe it had been a father./Should read: Maybe it had been the father.
They hadn’t even put in a bag,/They hadn't even put "it" in a bag.
the room as piled high with electronics, /as = was
The idea of being.born.dead /not sure why the periods are there?
If threw it away, he should do it with honesty,/ If "he"...
pushing the knife handle God’s unresisting hand./... handle into God's...

No one could know what the old man’s insane thoughts./awkward - it should read either: No one could know what the insane old man thought. Or: No one could know this insane old man's thoughts.

begging the forgivenance he knew,/forgiveness
He’d kicked his own moped over before climbing aboard and puttering away./I don't know what this sentence means.

Write-on!

Mage
Member of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society
Review as part of the CSFS's Halloween Raid

4
4
Review by Mage
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I loved the letter format of the story... and your taking the situation in novel directions, which provided delicious twists. I particularly liked the part about the boy making his bargain to have a father.
I found the writing crisp, grammar perfect, and the main character's voice believable and realistic. And give you points for humor - big time.
Kudos for an excellent story.
Mage
A member of the Coffee Shop of the Fantasy Society
A Review as part of CSFS's Raid 4 U
5
5
Review of Time  
Review by Mage
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I read this over and over... That's what I liked about it. I also loved the Plato reference, which is where I think you could tweak it to make it a Perfect 10.

Suggestions:
Greece, Athens, April 126BC (not needed)

The following has been translated for your benefit. (See my suggested change below.)

Greece, Athens, April 7th 126BC

(What might make it stronger something like... "Recent discovery translated from stone tablet found near Parthanon, translated, March 31. 2010, Oxford."

Mage
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