this one grabbed my attention and left me wanting to read the next installment. That`s probably the highest praise a piece of writing can get at the end of the day.;) So why the relatively low rating?
The opening put me off a little.
1)ou know, they say people learn differently, some are tactile people, or visual people.
I think you have too many `people,` here. It conflicts with the terse, aggressive style I feel you are aiming for,
2) `His performance in bed was fabulous after a night at the strip club, `
This almost feels like it@s in the wrong genre. Just for me the word `fabulous` for example, is more typical of raunchy Mills and Boone (not that I ever read that stuff!;) The rest of your writing is much more sophisticated than this. This is no idle complement.
3) You use the word `fucking.` This word does have it`s place in literature and indeed, as a linguist, it occasionally amuses me to cite Labov`s groundbreaking research on how New Yorker`s use this four letter word as verbal punctuation without any reference to meaning....
Even so, I think it is best avoided as much as possible unless you need it as some kind of direct quote or truly explosive impact. You are , as a gifted writer, quite capable of writing a slightly more subtle opening in which the meaning is clear but one doesn`t feel just a little put out too soon in the story.
IE `after Luke went to a strip club for the first time, my satisfaction quotient went through the roof.` kind of thing.
From `13 months ago` the real you kicks in and I loved this chunk. No excess, dry and amusing but thoroughly realistic. One begins to identify and understand the characters and the set up even though you have not said too much about the people themselves.
Hurry up and write the next it please.