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18 Total Reviews Given
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Review of A Wish For Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by CMcMo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

I love the metaphor in the opening line. It sucked me in immediately.
In the second line, for the sake of meter, I would toy with changing "dry." Maybe "empty"? My reasoning is up until that point your poem is iambic, but when I get to "dry" it's almost a full stop. It breaks up the cadence when I read it aloud.

In line three, read it aloud with "lights" in the place of colors and "darkness" in place of "cruelness" in line four. Just to give you a different image to play around with and to see if you like the way it rolls off your tongue. You could also possibly exchange "blaze" for "cruelness" to clarify that "it" refers back to the sun. Originally I thought it referred to "life" but saw differently as I continued on.

I would cut
"But I am alone in this hot , remote place.
No love, no rain for many days.
The wind blows, stirring up dirty pain;
causing me to revisit places I never want to see again."

When reading it aloud, the cadence doesn't quite fit in with the earlier section and it makes the material too obvious. I like the imagery and the metaphors from above, and then section is pretty plain. I would launch right into "Sweat of regret" and continue with the heat analogy and work slowly into waiting for rain, as the rest of your poem does.

I love the "sweat of regret" metaphor. Very unique.
I love "The cracked ground of my heart".


I would suggest changing "with it's confining walls." Thus far the image you've painted is of a vast, empty desert, which runs on forever in a flat plain. To me, that has a lack of walls. You can walk endlessly in any directions and not be hindered by anything. I think that metaphor is contrary to the rest of your poem.

Overall, I liked it. So much of the poetry on here is very amateur, but this is great! Wonderful metaphors, unique images--love it!
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Review of More than Abba  Open in new Window.
Review by CMcMo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

I think your piece shows promise but still needs a bit of work. Some items to consider:

*Is the journey more important or the location more important? I think you spend too much time describing the journey to Aber. I understand it's relevant to tell your readers how to get there, but it's not really necessary to go into great detail. We're more concerned about why I should be in Aber.

*When I read "a place where dreams come true" I immediately think Disney World.

* I don't think you deliver on your promise that Aber is a "place where anything can happen." It sounds like a regular place. I don't get a sense of Aber's uniqueness until the concluding paragraph were you discuss some local legends.

I'm not well-versed in travel writing, but I seem to think that when someone writes about a place in a magazine they usually focus in on a particular season. I could be wrong! I just think your piece could benefit from the focus of writing about Aber during one time of year instead of all seasons.

I will send you my line-by-line review.

Well done.

CMcMo
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