The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): I was much more contented with the second chapter. The two men, just as the character Karla, have very defined personalities. You do a good job setting up their flaws, making them more understandable, more human.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I do feel that this needs some polishing. You put a great deal of emphasis on thoughts, surroundings and your characters’ personal history but there is a certain amount of explaining and less (I know this is cliché but…) showing what is happening though the scenes. Just an example, but instead of telling how Greg’s wife left him and he’s insecure and he drinks and he goes to the gentleman’s club you could possibly implant a memory – a scene where he is drinking at the club and he feels nervous as one of the women glances at his belly and a certain amount of shame or bitterness consumes him (to show his insecurity). OR, maybe while he is at the diner he sees one of the women who works at the club sitting at a table watching him and similar feeling arise (plus it would give you an inlet to disclose his visits to the gentleman’s club that is more free-flowing and less explanatory.)
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I think that this is a great beginning to what appears to be an interesting story. I don’t know the connection between the characters in the second chapter and the woman in the first but I am sure you connect them later on. The issue I had with the use of words and formation of sentences in Chapter One does not seem present in this part but, as I said above, there is a certain degree of showing that just seems to be lacking from this piece. Feel free to send me a note if you have any questions about anything I have said. Good luck on your subsequent chapters!
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the great writing!
Diedraphilia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): You developed her character in depth and I really got the feeling that I knew what she was about. I could empathize with Karla and what she was going through. Your description in many point were direct and vivid. The story left me curious and I am eager to read on.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): My main issue is with some of the writing itself. The first line, for instance, seemed a jumble of words and I ended up having to read it at least six times over just to understand what was going on. It is not a good sign when the reader must re-read multiple times – it detracts from actually reading since they are forced to pause and mull over what you are trying to get at. There were a few such instances where I felt like the way that you pieced together your sentences were just masses of words with little meaning.
When you mention the son going to New Orleans was also very perplexing since there was little explanation and the way your sentence was structured forced me to re-read over and over just to comprehend what you were trying to say.
(Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): Your character Karla is a deep figure and justly seems to deserve being an MC. Your descriptions of the desert and the intense heat were vibrant and clear. However, the mechanics of the writing itself stumped me at times and made it hard for me to read and understand.
I hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the great writing!
Diedraphilia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): I’m so thoroughly impressed with this story that I’m somewhat at a loss for words. I’ll try to formulate some, otherwise there is little sense in reviewing… I happen to like vampire stories very much, though I feel they tend to be overrated and overdone – this one however, was unusual. The setting and the circumstances gave it a spicy little twist and I was captivated.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): There are a handful of points in the tale where you lost me in your narration. For example: the meeting with Margot in the beginning was just vague enough for the sake of suspense but also to the point where I was annoyed that I did not know what was going on.
Also, the references to the child’s home being “perfect” as well as when you mention the temple and its history (something about a Sun Goddess) kept gnawing at my head, making me want to know why. I still don’t think I fully comprehend why the brother’s arms were cut and what that had to do with the temple. Maybe it’s because I know nothing about Japanese temples and whatnot but there are many readers who won’t and they will likely be just as perplexed as I was.
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): As a whole, I loved this story and it left me wanting to read on. I think it was extremely well written, creative and entertaining. You had me entranced…
Hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): Your work, as I have noticed thus far, has a welcoming jovial nature to it that holds a certain amount of honesty which puts the reader at ease right from the beginning. No matter how unusual the point of view you are expressing, the candid tone and well-written work makes it easy and a pleasure to read. Even if the reader did not agree with your assessment (though I do completely) the way in which it is written makes it easy for the person to identify with you.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): I can’t quite put my finger on the reason but the ending with the vacuum in the dark seemed very abrupt. I looked over the paragraph before it and sensibly it should flow in perfectly with the coffee, brushing hair etc. statements – but for some reason it just seemed as if it needed to be introduced or explained better. I wish I could explain this more clearly but it just popped out at me so I thought I should at least state it. (Feel free to ignore me if this goes against what you intended for this work.)
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I am in complete agreement with you on the light debate. So often I have family members invade my room when I am away, tearing open the curtains and switching on all the lights in my room just to have their dull colored bulbs illuminate the dismal space (I purposely only use colored bulbs in my lamps so that they can never fully light the room.) I enjoyed reading this piece, not just because I can relate to your tale but also because you make yourself very agreeable through your tone and style of writing.
Hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The Good (What I liked / What your work was strongest in): Oh… I’m still giggling to myself. I am not a spider-hater but I can empathize. I really enjoyed reading this. You plastered a smile across my face throughout. Well-written with a certain flowing, personable style. Can’t say I noticed any spelling or grammatical errors.
The Bad (Errors & Solutions / What I feel your work was lacking): None.
The Ugly…. Truth (Overall Comments): I enjoyed reading this immensely. You humor and sometimes subtle sarcasm makes the tale easy to read. I really liked the whole comparison between the cat as pet and spider as pet. "My sweet cat Sugar is nestled in my lap as I type this. Are there those who fear cats as I fear spiders? Is someone typing an article entitled "Crouching cats, hidden litter box" as they stroke their pet spider? I shudder to think of it. "
I also really liked the comment about the snake-wearing. There were many other comments that I thought were rather clever but I won’t list them all.
Hope some of this was helpful.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Diedraphilia
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/caeliafey/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 12:40am on Jun 16, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
"