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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cblackthorn
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1
1
Review by Christine
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Thunder smasher



*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I loved that they were both excited and wondering if the other person likes them or not. Though, having written that I am wondering if that actually is the right word. The assignment and your text says it is the second date - would they not already know that the other person likes them but still be worried if the other person still likes them after the date? No matter, you do it very well, giving them that feeling of trepidation and excitement the first few dates bring.


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Beginning

You start with the male perspective and give him his own voice. I liked that. The two characters are distinctly different and that is very well done.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

*BulletG* Observations:

You describe her and the surrounding well without overburdening us though you do expect your reader to share a lot of preconceived motions with you. You assume that everyone has the same cultural background as you and thus is aware of the atmosphere in the pool hall. But you might want to pepper your descriptions with some atmospheric elements such as smell and lighting, sounds. How does an almost empty club sound in comparison to a full one? How does a pool hall smell?


*BulletG* Examples:

"The Eagles club that I was a member of was pretty much empty tonight and I had her all to myself." I have never been in a pool hall or club and I admit the image I have is of a slightly seedy bar. Merely because I have no other hints as to the atmosphere you are trying to create.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

You are very good in that. I love the way you let us into the character and let us feel that particular excitement/dread that comes from early dates.


Emotional Draw:

The emotional draw is high - we all remember at least one date where our stomachs were going up in butterflies and we were so excited we could barely concentrate.



Dialogue/Monologue

I like their conversation, the back and forth, but at times it feels a little stilted. Not necessarily a bad thing - many conversations on early dates are stilted.



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Structure/Format

You followed the assignment well.



Language


Style:

I like the way you let the characters have their own voice and let it fit into the setting. Your style gives them space to develop





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*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I like this and I think it fits well into the parameters of the assignment



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
2
2
Review by Christine
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
So, I am very badly qualified to review this as I have never reviewed a photo before. I want to say that I love the photo and the story behind it but as it is supposed to be a review for a writing page I am reviewing the combination of picture and explanation. As such, I feel, the explanation falls short of both the story and the picture. The picture is incredibly poignant and combination of the shadow of the "I love you" with the background if the hard concrete is meaningful in itself. As such the explanation lacks emotional "whumpf". I would have liked there to be a more developed caption to do justice to the image.
3
3
Review of Warping Radiance  
Review by Christine
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Also, I have no expertise in poetry aside from an appreciative reader's liking for it. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock*INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I admit to being a complete philistine when it comes to poems - I like reading them but have no idea about form or format - so please take that into account when you read my comments. Having said that I liked this poem though it did not grab me emotionally. I loved the rhythm of it, the imagery being created.

*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*



*Graph* BEGINNING: *Graph*

I like that you use the same images throughout not only in the stances but through the way the words sound together.


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*Monster10* EMOTIONAL DRAW: *Monster10*

I did not get drawn in emotionally though whilst I appreciate this poem based on the way it sounds to me it did not touch anything in me.


*Music2*DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:*Music2*

I love the way it dances and flits around - like the light particles you refer to. However at the end of stance three (last line) it sounds clumsy and as if a word is missing.





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*WitchHat* STRUCTURE: *WitchHat*

Based on the definition you gave it seems a well adapted poem (sorry, this is where I am simply not qualified)


*Puzzle4* LANGUAGE: *Puzzle4*

I love that you manage to use words and sentiments which fit together to create a joyful, light atmosphere.


Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here


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*Drbag* OVERALL COHERENCE: *Drbag*

You have managed to create the same imagery and carry it through not only with words but with the sounds you use.


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*Skull* END: *Skull*

I like the recognition that a poet, a human, also misinterprets. It is a nice note of seriousness in something otherwise very joyful.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*



*Shamrock*GENERAL COMMENTS: *Shamrock*

As unqualified as I am to comment on this I ha e to admit that I liked the poem a lot (aside from one line).


*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE POEM OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.



raven quote
4
4
Review by Christine
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Arakun the Twisted Raccoon



*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

So, I have come to the conclusion I like your shorts - though they make me smile more than be frightened. I love the surprise in them.


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Beginning

What I like is the way you play with our preconceptions both in the way your characters speak and in their names. Brittany. We are seeing the image of a pretty, blonde cheerleader, not too bright and charmingly self-absorbed. The way she speaks, the language she uses fits perfectly to the image we have created in our minds.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

*BulletG* Observations:

There is not much and for once I do not think there has to be more. The power of the story lies in the lack of descriptions, in the way the dialogue holds it all.


*BulletG* Examples:

The most prominent description is with her "toothy mouth" towards the end and it fits so well because it does make a point.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:


n/a

Emotional Draw:

This piece has its strength not in involving the emotions of the reader but his curiosity - and in the end his humour.



Dialogue/Monologue

The whole piece is a dialogue, and a wet crafted one. I can see and hear the two teenagers


Characters


They are so charmingly stereotypical - the cheerleader and her quarterback


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Structure/Format

Great Structure


Language


Style:

I love the way you can let your character become consistent person through their speech.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

The tension lies in the fact that we are desperately trying to figure out what the surprise will be - and how it makes us smile

Conflict:

External:

Vampires are also people

Internal:

n/a


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End

I love the end - the way it jumps out on us and still is so innocuous.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*


I love the humour of this piece


I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
5
5
Review of Dreamcatcher  
Review by Christine
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Arakun the Twisted Raccoon



*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I love the fact that this story is more a teaser - it leaves so much space for all the nightmares each of us has to come through and hit us over the head.


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Beginning

It has such an innocuous beginning - he gazes at a dreamcatcher. We assume he has just bought it, possibly at a flea market out of a whim. He hung it up because it is pretty, not because he believes that it will actually work....



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

*BulletG* Observations:

You are very visual in your descriptions - to the exclusion of other senses.

*BulletG* Examples:

"rotting zombie" - there is a smell attached to that image, even a sensation to the room.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

N/A


Emotional Draw:

This piece has a fascinatingly high level of emotional draw because it does not overtly try to catch the reader's emotions. It starts so innocently and then leaves the reader lost in his own images.



Dialogue/Monologue

n/a


Characters

Harvey - he seems such an idiot because he is a completely normal guy. He is you and me. We all have gone past a dreamcatcher, some other implement with rumoured mythical properties before and have contemplated buying it.


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Structure/Format

I love the pithiness of the structure



Language


Style:

Short and very contemporary without loosing the dreamlike elements.




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Tension

The tension is almost completely based on the look towards the dreamcatcher - and the falling asleep.

Conflict:

External:

The dreamcatcher and the question if it is real or merely myth

Internal:

n/a

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End

I love the fact that you did not go down the obvious route and let it all just be a dream.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I am normally not that fond of short things as I like stories to develop and being able to connect to the characters. But strangely enough I could to this one from the first sentence.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
6
6
Review of Harry and I  
Review by Christine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Shaara }



*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I like the conversational style and the way it makes me relate to the characters.


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Beginning

I love how you start by taking a commonly held, though often hitter, preconception and point it out to the reader to engage them with the story and its protagonist.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

*BulletG* Observations:

Any of your descriptions are very visual and lack other elements - most of the time that works well but you could add depth to the story if you were to allow the other senses to come to light.


*BulletG* Examples:

"I nudged him awake with a gentle kiss" - how does it feel, how does it smell?


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

The whole piece is a prolonged internal monologue and it works well like this as it includes the reader into a wider consciousness.


Emotional Draw:


Is very high though the conversational style


Dialogue/Monologue

The only spoken words are in the end but the whole piece is a well crafted monologue directed to the reader


Characters

I love the warmth and humour of your characters.



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Structure/Format

The structure of the story is great - but the writing is very small on the screen which make it harder to read.



Language


Style:

I love the no nonsense quality and humour of your style


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

Well developed - we want to know about this little snapshot of their lives because of the conversation in which we are drawn at the beginning and gently let go at the end.


Conflict:

External:

The age difference which we only relate to abstractly

Internal:

Our own preconceptions

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End

I love the warmth of the end


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I like the comfortable atmosphere of this piece, the joy contained in it.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
7
7
Review by Christine
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Gabrielle Dorian



*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I love this - well aside from the last line. But I definitely will have to read on.


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Beginning

I absolutely love the way you use not only the medium of text but the idiosyncrasy of parents using text and autocorrect for the beginning of your story.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

*BulletG* Observations:

There is not much in respect to descriptions as it is written in form of texts but there is already a lot we get to know about the mother - 2 sons, a brother who seems a little crazy, and potentially a midlife crisis hitting.





Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

There is no need for an internal monologue - the exasperation, the panic is all expressed in the speed and length of texts being exchanged.


Emotional Draw:

I surprisingly high - possibly because we all have been there. Well, not with a mother getting married in Vagas but with one who a) has difficulties using the phone correctly and b) thrown you a curveball, emotional or not



Dialogue/Monologue

I love the character that comes through those exchanged texts - we can truly feel and see the people involved.


Characters

They have a clear presence from early on, we can relate to them.



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Structure/Format

Great idea


Language


Style:

I love the text style of the whole thing.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

This is possibly where I have my biggest, and only, complaint. I hate that last line. It is not necessary. We are at tenterhooks, wanting to read on and then you thrown in such and obvious one. It would not happen. Even were she to have the big fight there and then - she would not text it. At least not in that moment.

Conflict:

External:

We simply know that the marriage will be a crazy stunt and end in divorce - something for our protagonist to sort out. Incredibly well done at making the reader aware of it this early on

Internal:

We have no clue yet - but we do not need to

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End

Hate it.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love this piece - I love the emotion, the quirkiness. But do I have to reiterate: I hate the last line.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
8
8
Review by Christine
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Also, I have no expertise in poetry aside from an appreciative reader's liking for it. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock*INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I rarely review poetry - not because I do not like it but because I cannot write it. I love to read poetry and stand in awe of anyone who writes it. This piece fascinated me as it played with childhood imagery and emotion in a very clever way. Until the end I did not know if the protagonist is the child itself or a mother looking on.



*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*



*Graph* BEGINNING: *Graph*


I love the fairytale imagery of the beginning which also is reflected in the light skipping tone and rhythm of the piece. I think you could make more of an emotional impact by extending the childhood feeling in it and then letting it bleed into the bittersweet memory.


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*Monster10* EMOTIONAL DRAW: *Monster10*

The emotional draw of this piece lies in the childhood innocence and joy being represented in the piece which, through the adult eye, acquires a bittersweet element when looking back.


*Music2*DESCRIPTIVE ELEMENTS:*Music2*

External:

This is where you are letting your poem down a little. There is no colour, no scent to let the childhood element fully develop.


Internal:

The strength of this piece lies in the slight melancholy most people feel when remembering treasured childhood moments with their fathers, you grasp that well and bring it out throughout the poem.



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*WitchHat* STRUCTURE: *WitchHat*

The structure reminds me of old children's verses and fairytales and you tailored your language well to that.


*Puzzle4* LANGUAGE: *Puzzle4*


Style:

I love the slight anachronism expressed in the language. It fits very well to the subject matter of the piece.


Orthography: There were some orthographical issues. If you would like to see the comments in more detail please click here


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*Drbag* OVERALL COHERENCE: *Drbag*

The piece fits well together with the first and last verse linking well together leaving the reader to settle into the poem without a feeling of something being missing.


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*Skull* END: *Skull*

The bittersweet emotion you let the reader experience here, the internal melancholia which comes up and swamps over us, is well done and relates well to both the structure and the content of the poem.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*



*Shamrock*GENERAL COMMENTS: *Shamrock*

I very much liked this poem though I think it could be stronger - in particular in an emotional way.


*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


IF YOU CHOSE TO EXTEND THE POEM OR EDIT IT - I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT AGAIN. LET ME KNOW.



House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.
9
9
Review of Checkpoints  
Review by Christine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear JonnyKia



*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I liked the general feel and the atmosphere of the story. The idea was original and drew me in - as well as making me smile from time to time.


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Beginning

I loved your beginning - it drew me in and held my attention. I wanted to know what is going to happen. Well done.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

You are mostly very good at making me be in the story, rather than just telling me the story - however you could increase that impression by allowing other senses than merely the visual some space. Let me feel and hear what is happening. Let me have some scents, play with the shapes.

For example, you tell me the room is narrow but has a high ceiling- how does that distort sound? Can you touch the two sides? How does it smell.



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

This is where you could give your character a little more depth - at the moment she just feels angry. He feels like an angry teenager - good if that is the effect you want to achieve, but even angry teenagers have other emotions and thoughts, No one is that linear.


Emotional Draw:

Very High



Dialogue/Monologue


Clear and engaging in general - but there are a lot of caps and sound expressions which detract from the flow.


Characters

You do well in giving your writing an atmosphere and therefore allowing the character to have a presence.


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Structure/Format

Suggestions - make the text bigger and change the spacing (1.6 for example) to make it easier to read on screen.



Language


Style:

I like your overall style for this piece as it seems to fit your character.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

Great tension established in the beginning and held throughout.


Conflict:

External:

Your external conflict is well introduced in the beginning and then develops throughout. There are some moments when it gets a little murky but overall well held.


Internal:

This is where you could give the story more depth - we know there is an internal conflict but it has little chance to develop.



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End

I liked the last sentence.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I very much liked the story, the way you make use of the atmosphere and style to build a framework around your character.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



Frey signature }
10
10
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, Sparky . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

With a title like that it is almost impossible not to review this one piece and I suspect I will not be the only one to think this. I have to admit, however, that my first impression was not that favourable. There is serious need of proofreading and editing. I love the ending and it is impressive how your writing improves approximately half way through, but that makes the relative carelessness of the beginning even worse.


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Beginning

I already complained about the beginning - and here it is again. You do a good job of creating a disgusting anti-hero but you don't let me feel him. It's not even a question of your reader empathising with the character, it is a question of dimensions. He seems flat. Where are the smells, he sounds, the shapes and colours?



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

You have a real skill there, though it seemed a little forced here, at least in the beginning. The rhythm is off, you seem to be floundering to find something. You catch it half way through. Here is where you catch your reader and allow them to step in. I believe this is because you are starting to play with the words, to allow sensations to intrude and develop.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

You manage to give a great depth to your character, I love that part.


Emotional Draw:

Could be a lot stronger in the beginning.


Dialogue/Monologue

At times you manage to give both characters their own voice, their own character. But, especially when they start to speak, you don't. I would love to see the characters more consistent in their expression.


Characters

They have such depth and potential, him more so than her. I would love to actually be able to fell them there.


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Structure/Format

Good structure


Language


Style:

I generally love your style, its simple elegance is a good contrast to the cool disgust you try to create in the actual text. Having said that, there are a lot of cumbersome instances in the beginning. Too many -ly words, too many complex sentences without the needed commas.


Orthography:

Proofread


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Tension

This is where it is great - well created and held.

Conflict:

External:

Well done. I loved the play with the perspectives you manage to make us face with the external conflict

Internal:

This is where you give your character its depth. I like it.


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End

Well done.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*


I was harsher on you in this than I might have been to one of the beginners here, mainly because you clearly have the skill to write. This story has so much potential, so much power to make people think and laugh - and you squander it with carelessness. At least in the beginning. I would love to see this story developed to a level where you could submit it to publication.


I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
11
11
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Floyd Roots . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

Initially, there are some "cosmetic" comments to make. It is very hard to read - try adjusting the size, making it double spaced and letting the dialogue have its own space.


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Beginning

I love the first sentence - it draws in the reader and has a strange elegance.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

You are very good at the descriptive elements, though there is more space for scent and shapes, colours and sound. Most importantly, there is space for reactions. Thoughts about thoughts.



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

This is where your weakness lies, where you can develop the piece a lot - give your character depth by letting the reader see their inner mind, feel it, become them


Emotional Draw:

Very high in the first line but dropping off a little as it promises an emotional involvement you do not deliver to such a high degree.n




Dialogue/Monologue

Clear and easily identifiable - but format issues


Characters

I want to feel them as well as see them.



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Structure/Format

Good structure - but format needs work



Language


Style:

I love your style, the potential to such lyrical development


Orthography:

n/A




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Tension

Good tension developed and held

Conflict:

External:

Clear and well established

Internal:

Here is where it needs work, give me more depth, give me substance and texture


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End

I like the poignant ending, the intrigue.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love the story not only for the story itself but for the development more depth could give it and your characters



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
12
12
Review of The Kiss  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Dear Amay

This review is in association with your entry into the Sensual Moments Contest.


*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I fell a little bit in love with this piece - and it made me almost cry


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Beginning

I love the way you establish the emotional relationship from the beginning, the wistful love hovering in the room.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

I know at all times where I am and what is happening. There is a beauty in the tenderness you manage to communicate through your descriptions - the only quibble I have lies in the fact that you almost only and exclusively address the visual sense.

Where is the hospital smell, the sensation of the skin under her hands? Let me truly feel what is going on.



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

We can feel and hear her, be her though the depth you give her in the beginning - though you let this drop of half way through.


Emotional Draw:

Very, very high - the situation, the depth of feeling you give them draws the reader in.


Dialogue/Monologue

Good and believable


Characters

I love them both, though I would love to see some more of him.


Sensuality

The sensual tension between the two characters is amazing in the beginning and that established warmth is enough to rescue you over the last few paragraphs.



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Structure/Format

Good structure



Language


Style:

I love the gentle beauty of your style


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Tension

Good tension created and held


External Conflict:

Well established and heartwarmingly deep


Internal Conflict:

I would love to have more here - it is such a clear potential here.



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End

Beautiful


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love this piece. I love the depth, the emotion it promises. I would love to see that depth given more space, more development. Please, please, please - extend it and let me read it again?



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW
13
13
Review of Enchantment  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Fantastic Sensuality  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello percy goodfellow . This is a review in relation to your entry in

FORUM
Sensual Fantasy  (18+)
Fantasy/Erotica Short Story Contest for those who love to love mystical creatures.
#1511345 by Christine


Thank you so much for entering!



*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I loved the idea of this - and the flirting, the joyful play between them.


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Beginning

The idea of it is intriguing - but I don't like your beginning. You have set out to do something amazing, but you could easily have done the beginning as a dialogue as well, which would have been even more intriguing.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Very few of it - and what there is, seems almost jarring.



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

N/A


Emotional Draw:

Is surprisingly high in the dialogue part - but the small descriptive aspects break it again.



Dialogue/Monologue

You have such a gift of dialogue in here - why don't you make it all dialogue?


Characters

I love the complexity of character you communicate with the dialogue.


Sensuality

Surprisingly high in the dialogue.


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Structure/Format

You try something experimental, and utterly fascinating, in this. The only thing that lets you down are the inconsistency - both by adding descriptive aspects, rather than dialogue - but also because you are inconsistent formally.



Language


Style:

I love your dialogue, the breadth of emotion you express - but your formatting is inconsistent.


Orthography:

N/A




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Tension

Well created

Conflict:

External:

Clear from the beginning.


Internal:

Even the internal conflict is well expressed

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End

I like, and was surprised, by the end


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love the concept, the depth of emotion and sensuality you manage to express in this - but I hate that you break format.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



thank you contest
14
14
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, luckypierre . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I was utterly fascinated by the story - it reminded me a little of a song my parents often listened to.


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Beginning

I love the imagery and dichotomy of the beginning, the depth you give your character here and how you set up the internal conflict to come.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Very strong in the beginning, visually at least. I would like to have a little more of my senses involved - scent, audio, sensations, though.

Towards the middle your style is becoming a little too repetitive in these.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

Very good in the beginning and through most of the middle - and then petering off almost entirely.


Emotional Draw:

Strong and well created - though there are moments when your reader might think he has it coming.



Dialogue/Monologue

Believable and clear, consistent in the voice of the speakers.


Characters

Well created, the depth coming through



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Structure/Format

Good Structure



Language


Style:

I like the joy and cheek of your style - though there are some instances of repetition.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

We spent most of the beginning wondering where this is leading - well created tension curve

Conflict:

External:

The external conflict is as yet not particularly clear - but we can guess it will be his assimilation/ or disconnection from the firm.

Internal:

Well hinted at - the dichotomy of the character's slightly frivolous nature with the corporate world he tries to aspire to.


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End

I live the last few sentences - but am slightly disgruntled before. Here, for the first time, we lose sympathy with your character, we see him as dishonourable and petty, and though that might be expedient and realistic, it makes me dislike him.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love the potential of social commentary of this piece, the clear philosophical, even epistemological, questions it raises.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
15
15
Review of Every Moment  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Nixie . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I like the portent, the meaning of the story


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Beginning

This is the only thing I do not like about the story - it feels a little cumbersome, a little long-winded.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Clear and easy to follow - though there are very few sense perceptions aside from visual. I would love to have a little more scent and sound, sensation.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

Ver little but what there is, is poignant


Emotional Draw:

Slow in coming.



Dialogue/Monologue

Believable and clear.


Characters

Consistent.



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Structure/Format

Good structure - though the introduction appears a little overlong



Language


Style:

I like your clear, clean style.


Orthography:

None noted



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Tension

Good towards the end but slow in the beginning.


Conflict:

External:

Established relatively late which leaves the reader floundering a little.

Internal:

None identifiable - it could give your characters and story more depth.


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End

I love the end - though the letter seems a little stiff.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love the poignancy and the end of the story.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
16
16
Review of The Tube  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose -CLOSED-  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Volpone

This review is in association with your entry in Round 84 of the Weekly Quickie Contest - Congratulations for your win.




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I love the story idea, the development, the ending. There is space for more depth, more description and emotional draw though.


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Beginning

I like the beginning in its commonplace, its normality - everyone who has ever been to London has been there.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

I like the clarity in your descriptions - but they are very visual. There is little sound, scent or taste - let alone sensation.



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

I want more here - i want intrigue and sadness, embarrassment and thrill. I want the depth you can give your characters.


Emotional Draw:

Well established at the beginning with a little kick at the end.



Dialogue/Monologue

Not really applicable


Characters

I like them both - especially with the surprise.


Sensuality

There could be so much more - more taste, more sensation, more emotion.




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Structure/Format

Good Structure



Language


Style:

I like your style - though it is not always entirely consistent in it tone.


Orthography:

None noted




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Tension

Well established in the beginning and held throughout.


External Conflict:

Clear and a good guiding principle throughout


Internal Conflict:

I want some - I want this to give depth and feeling to the characters.



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End

I absolutely love your ending


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

This story has so much potential, so much strength - please consider extending and rewriting it.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW
17
17
Review of Life Is Precious  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, very thankful . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I liked the idea of the story and the way you draw your reader into the happenings so quickly and so well.


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Beginning

I really like the way you start the story - so vibrant and immediately engaging.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

You tell us always exactly what is going to happen next, never leaving us in any doubt what it happening. But somehow there is an almost mechanical atmosphere to it - possibly because you rarely address any senses aside from sight. let me hear and smell, feel and guess with your characters



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

This is where you can give your characters true depth - let them tell me what they think and feel about their experiences.


Emotional Draw:

Very strong right in the beginning - and then virtually disappearing. I think you could truly engage us emotionally by addressing more of the senses, by breaking up the repetitive sentence structure



Dialogue/Monologue

Your child seems to speak with the words of a child in one moment and with those of a grown-up the next.


Characters

I love the potential of your characters, the strength they can develop



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Structure/Format

Good Structure



Language


Style:

I like the way you try to give the people their own voices and allow for a very matter of fact style throughout the story. There is a sameness to the sentence structure though which becomes slightly repetitive.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

Well created and high in the beginning - but then petering off.


Conflict:

External:

There seem to be two distinct external conflicts - the accident and her leukaemia. The two different strands seem to pull at times the attention apart

Internal:

I would love to have more here, would love this to become the way you deepen your characters


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End

I like your ending, the humour and joy of it.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love the potential of the story, the depth your characters promise to have. The warmth suffused in its development.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
18
18
Review of Keeper of Secrets  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Fancy . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I loved the heartwarming quality of the piece, the depth of emotion you create in the reader.


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Beginning

I like your beginning, how you put the reader immediately into the story, into the sensation of feeling for the child.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

You are good at letting the reader be always aware of where they are at, of what is happening. I like the way you play with colours but I would love to have the other senses addressed as well. I would love to smell the scents, hear the sounds, feel the air on my skin, the warmth of horse under my hands.


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

This is possibly where you are weakest - not because you do not address it but because for a story with so much potential emotional upheaval you address it so little. i want to know what she feels when she sees the child, how Chester reminds her of her own childhood. I want to know that feeling of utter comfort when you walk into a stable of sleeping horses, how the scent of it makes something in you relax.


Emotional Draw:

Ver, very strong at the beginning but petering off towards the end - mainly I believe be cause the reader would like to see so much more of the internal dialogue.



Dialogue/Monologue

Realistic and clear


Characters

I like both the little girl and the protagonist. I would love to see some more depth so



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Structure/Format

Good Structure



Language


Style:

Good, down to earth style. At times your descriptions feel a bit like you are simply listing things rather than describing them though.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

Good tension created form the beginning and held throughout

Conflict:

External:

Well introduced and clear from the beginning. At all times we are waiting for her to begin to speak.


Internal:

This is where you could give both your characters and your descriptions more depth. You hint at the internal conflict, her own history, her identification with the child - but you do not develop it.


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End

I am not sure I like your ending, but that might be a personal preference. It feels almost too predictable.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love the depth of emotion this story can evoke, I love the potential and warmth. I think there is space for improvement but I love the general story line and the warmth you give it.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
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Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Gary . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I loved the story, the depth of emotion held in it, the bittersweet atmosphere and the hope.


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Beginning

I like the beginning in so far as it is a clear hospital scene which sets us up well for the coming sooty - but, in comparison to the rest, it is a very long beginning.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

I was fascinated to see how you communicate the sentiment with very few external descriptions. i would have liked to see more senses addressed though, how does it sound, how does it smell?

Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

Very good and easy to follow - engaging and realistic


Emotional Draw:

Is very high, you made me cry at some point. Though the draw is highest in the middle and somehow lacks something towards the end.



Dialogue/Monologue

Realistica


Characters

I am fascinated by the old man because he can stand for so many men we love. I think he could profit from a little more depth through crafting him as a presence for all our perceptions, though.



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Structure/Format

Good Structure


Language


Style:

I like your style in general, though there are some incongruities. The word "that" is slipping in at places where it is truly not needed and, interestingly, your style varies, from lyrical one sentence to a more commonplace style the next, in places.


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

Well built and held

Conflict:

External:

Clear and obvious, well alluded to and kept as a thread throughout


Internal:

The wistful love for his wife and fear to leave her is very strong in the first three quarters but peters off a little in the end


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End

I love the surprise of the end, though I would love it to be more abrupt, more poignant


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I loved this story, I loved it even more for the impact it could have. Give me the depth please, let me feel it in every aspect of my mind.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
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Review of Masquerade  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, 🌓 HuntersMoon . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I loved the lyrical beauty, the sensual joy of this piece.


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Beginning

I love the way you are creating the setting, introduce the dream-like nature of the whole piece. You play with sound and vision. though not scent. It also might be an interesting addition to hear what your protagonist feels - we can guess what she feels, sensation at least, but he is strangely untouched.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

Your external descriptions are superb. You create them for me to see, to experience and allow them to pull me in. I admit I might want to have some more quantity - scents, the sensation of the ribbons on your wrists as you test them ....


Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

This si possibly your weakest part. We have no idea what goes on in him, or even what he really feels, for the most part. It would give your character so much depth to let that come out and play.


Emotional Draw:

Is there, definitely - but could be so much stronger. Let me really feel what there is, not just see it. Don't get me wrong, I am drawn in but, as yet, some small part of my mind still remains separate. Catch it! You have enough words left over to do so.



Dialogue/Monologue

N/A


Characters

She is incredibly vivid, incredibly present - he less so.



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Structure/Format

Good Structure


Language


Style:

I love the beauty of your style, the way you draw us in the dream realm.


Orthography:

Found none




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Tension

Good tension

Conflict:

External:

The external tension, the culmination of the act is well set up and believable


Internal:

Here you give me nothing - and there is such potential. Why are they playing this? Does it fill a need in him? How does he feel about that? It would give them so much depth to really hear that.


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End

I like the end, as you let us slip into dreams, let us come down from the height of your story.


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I love this piece - and I am angry. Why? It has such potential, such depth. i want to meet the characters, want to feel their hands in my mind. You clearly have the ability, the drive to do so. You paint this incredibly beautiful, poetic picture - and then you do not throw me in it. Please - can I get another instalment?



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
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Review of Magic Whiplash  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, A*30s*Faith . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I really want to like it, really do. I love the idea behind it and I enjoy your style - but I think you did not do it justice in this short piece.


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Beginning

I like the first sentence possibly most at least until the semi-colon. It is a visceral and almost tangible situation you draw your reader in.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

It is such a short piece that you need very little and what there is feels true, feels engaging. The problem is it is too disjointed. You draw me into one place, then dump me into another without letting my mind adjust.



Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

In a way it is an internal monologue all the way through


Emotional Draw:

Surprisingly strong for such a short piece, especially in the beginning.



Dialogue/Monologue

N/A


Characters

I like your character even though I cannot really meet him in this piece.



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Structure/Format

55 words is a hard limit to create a story - but you mostly managed



Language


Style:

I love your style, the poetic quality of this


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension

Good tension though there is the danger to lose your reader


Conflict:

External:

We can guess at one which is impressive in such a short piece - but because it is not developed or spelled out enough you lose your reader

Internal:

N/A - here is where you could, with a few words, give more depth.


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End

I hate your end - in its confusion it lets down the whole piece


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I loved the way you write, I love the tension-laden atmosphere you manage to create in such a short piece. However, because it is so short the confusion and grammatical problems derail it so severely.



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW



** Image ID #1922384 Unavailable **
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Review by Christine
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose -CLOSED-  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear watila ug




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock* INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*

I love your style and the promise of the story - though I am not sure it counts as erotica. It is a fascinating sight into your characters life


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Beginning

I like the intrigue created by the beginning - it draws me in and makes me want to read more.



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Descriptive Elements:


External Descriptions:

*BulletG* Observations:

You are very good in telling the action points of the story, in leading us along, though you are better at the internal dialogue. I would like to have some sounds, some scents




Internal monologue/ Descriptions:

Fascinating how you make us not only see your character but empathise. There is more space you could give it though


Emotional Draw:

Strong and steady



Dialogue/Monologue

N/A


Characters

I like your protagonist, teh thoughtful young character you create



Sensuality


This is not really erotica yet - and sensuality is not its purpose



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Structure/Format

Bad - try to clean it up to make it readable



Language


Style:

I love your style - elegant and pleasing, almost poetic


Orthography:

If you would like to have a look at the grammatical and orthographical suggestions look HERE




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Tension


Good tension created in the beginning - though I feel you miss an opportunity to heighten it towards the end


External Conflict:

Clear and obvious external conflict


Internal Conflict:

Could be worked out more explicitly - what does he feel, how does it make him think?



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End

Don't like it - there is so much more space for drama here


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*




*Fleurdelis* General Comments: *Fleurdelis*

I liked the story - mainly because I very much enjoy reading your flowing style. I also liked the ethical conundrum you give. There is lots of room for extension, for drama and true emotional draw



I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW
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for entry "Invalid Entry
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Activity Bank  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I loved this. There is no other thing to say. I absolutely loved it.

The tension was incredibly high from the beginning and the constant wonder what it is they are burying is great. I love the imagery you use as well. One point, you use a lot of visual clues - but very little scent or sound. That might be a way to make the impact even higher.

I also love the ending, the poignancy of it. I would like one snappy sentence at the end possibly, but it is great as it is
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Review of A Choice  
Review by Christine
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Amalie Cantor - We Got This! . This is a review from

GROUP
Showering Acts of Joy Group  (E)
On indefinite hiatus
#1499415 by Pat ~ starting a new journey



as part of your Shower!




*Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis* *Fleurdelis*


Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.


*Shamrock*INITIAL IMPRESSION: *Shamrock*


I was fascinated how you manage to draw in the reader in such a short piece


*Cat2**Cat2**Duck**Cat2**Cat2*



*Graph* BEGINNING: *Graph*

You draw in the reader with the first sentence, how your style and the mystery of the story draws on the reader.


*Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2* *Vignette2*