|Hello, 🌓 HuntersMoon . This is a review from
as part of your Shower!
Please accept these comments as those of an enthusiastic reader only and therefore entirely subjective. Feel free to disregard them, in the end it is only you who can judge what your story should be.
I loved the lyrical beauty, the sensual joy of this piece.
I love the way you are creating the setting, introduce the dream-like nature of the whole piece. You play with sound and vision. though not scent. It also might be an interesting addition to hear what your protagonist feels - we can guess what she feels, sensation at least, but he is strangely untouched.
Your external descriptions are superb. You create them for me to see, to experience and allow them to pull me in. I admit I might want to have some more quantity - scents, the sensation of the ribbons on your wrists as you test them ....
Internal monologue/ Descriptions:
This si possibly your weakest part. We have no idea what goes on in him, or even what he really feels, for the most part. It would give your character so much depth to let that come out and play.
Is there, definitely - but could be so much stronger. Let me really feel what there is, not just see it. Don't get me wrong, I am drawn in but, as yet, some small part of my mind still remains separate. Catch it! You have enough words left over to do so.
She is incredibly vivid, incredibly present - he less so.
I love the beauty of your style, the way you draw us in the dream realm.
The external tension, the culmination of the act is well set up and believable
Here you give me nothing - and there is such potential. Why are they playing this? Does it fill a need in him? How does he feel about that? It would give them so much depth to really hear that.
I like the end, as you let us slip into dreams, let us come down from the height of your story.
I love this piece - and I am angry. Why? It has such potential, such depth. i want to meet the characters, want to feel their hands in my mind. You clearly have the ability, the drive to do so. You paint this incredibly beautiful, poetic picture - and then you do not throw me in it. Please - can I get another instalment?
I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY TO READ THE STORY AGAIN IF YOU DECIDE TO EDIT OR EXTEND IT - JUST LET ME KNOW
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