Prier,
Well, we always say a story needs a good hook! 
First off, before I get all long-winded, I liked this piece a lot. There's some great elements, and some places that could use some work. But overall I quite like it. Now, if you want more than that, keep reading.   
Okay, check it out--here's how I review. You and I are sitting in quiet bar, in that booth way in the back. Yeah, that one. I know it smells a little bit like old dishwater, but you'll get used to it. We've each brought a stack of notebooks, and we're here to swap stories and look at each other's stuff...... Why the weird preamble? Because that's really how I review--just like we were sitting together. There's no template that I use, just my honest thoughts and notes and critiques. And maybe a beer when we're done. Well, the peanuts are here, at least, so let's get started.
Check out the view! Your work with the setting is excellently nuanced. You paint a vivid and colorful picture in the first paragraph. Living in the Midwest, this is a familiar scene to me in the fall. I can't say I'm as enthusiastic about raking as Susan is, but to each their own, I reckon. You fill out the setting subtly, very comfortably for the reader. Instead of one expository paragraph of what everything looks like, you let details seep in: The garage--Okay, we're not on the farm... Later you introduce the leaf-sucker truck (which is almost as loud as that dang leaf blower!)--gotcha, we're in the suburbs. Jeffrey and the neighbor both pass by within fifteen to thirty minutes--I see; so a) it's not super early morning, and b) the neighbors are close enough to see, but probably not right on top of one another. Yet you also show restraint. You've given me a sense of where Susan is and a general context of the greater area, but I have enough room imagine the yard as big or small as I want, the road as wide or cramped as that with which my own mind is familiar. Thank you for letting me add the tiny details myself.
And what a character! Your characters are few--mostly Susan. By the way, I was a little eye-rolly when her wardrobe was first explained in such detail. But when she started humming "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story, I understood that the detailed image of her was important to her positive mental state. (Incidentally, West Side Story is among my top five favorite musicals; Miss Saigon is somewhere around the bottom nine million.) I thought slipping that song in really gave a familiar anchor to reality for the reader; I really liked that bit.
Jeffrey's a loose end, unfortunately. Is he just off? Or is he dangerous? What is his importance to the story? How does he drive action or tension? It seems like there is something indistinctly dangerous about him, like maybe he is obsessed with out oh-so-pretty Susan. But he never returns to the story after his second pass, and Susan is able to release the small amount of tension his presence did introduce in one sentence. I think you have room to fill his character out and give him a purpose; or maybe it's an opportunity to omit him altogether and make Susan's later discovery that much more contrasting to an otherwise innocuous and pretty scene.
Neighbors can be so useless. In this case, the neighbor in the car is, too. I'm extrapolating here, but I think you might have been trying to build a negative sexual tension with these characters, that maybe Susan was looking too pretty and attracting the wrong kind of attention. Perhaps you were hinting that her feeling of urgency was increasing because of the stares and whistles and shrinking deadline of the leaf vacuum's arrival. That's got to be my interpretation, because it's just not clear enough from the text. I'm hoping you can explain that to me, actually.
Captain Hook sucks. Literally, since he's the leaf-sucker man. Unfortunately, he's kind of a contradiction. He smiles and waves with his hook after a severed hand is found in Susan's leaves. There's a couple of questions there. Is that a coincidence? If it was really his hand, he got a prosthetic pretty quick, and he seems awfully cheerful about being, well...shorthanded. If it was his hand, why was it in Susan's yard? Is he another stalker? Has he been watching Susan as well? He's a bit of a mystery, and maybe he was supposed to be. Maybe these questions were intended to be left open-ended; if so, I think there is some work earlier in the story to better set it up.
And then that's it--pump the brakes! The ending was way too abrupt, in my opinion. My notes in the margin as I was reading this (yes, as we sit in the bar, I marked up your manuscript; sorry. I'll buy ya two beers when we're done. ): "Needs some transition between feeling oh, so pretty and finding a hand!" I think a transitional sentence or two and fleshing out that paragraph a little more is an important correction. (Pun not intended. Okay, a little bit intended.) A transition is needed after the "turn," as well--after the *** spacer line. Expand the paragraph a little. Do a little bit more than tell us the hand got bagged there's a detective coming later. (For one thing, the hand wouldn't be bagged until the detective got there; also, the detective would be there quicker than flies find poop if someone reported a severed human hand.) Susan's got to be a bit freaked at this point. That detail might set up more emotional cliffhanger tension at the end when The Hookster waves at her.
Let's look under the hood. You asked for a review, and I really enjoyed your story, so I'm happy to give you both barrels.
~I'll start off small: the species of the trees don't need to be capitalized; neither does "show" in "Broadway show."
~Should Dad's term for the rake--old school--be in quotes, instead of italics? I might suggest this because monikers and expressions, like Jake "The Snake" Roberts, are customarily set off in quotation marks.
~UN-italicize the phrase "she thought" the first time "Jeepers Creepers" Jeffrey rides by.
~You have some tense-agreement issues, mostly toward the end. Tense agreement is one of my pet peeves: either a thing happened already, or it's happening now.
"
~~~"But now the city comes by with this truck with a big vacuum hose and sucks up the leaves…" "Now" seems to imply present tense, but she could be thinking to herself in past perfect continuous tense. Since it's a little confusing, you might want to revisit that one.
~~~"…the detective is coming later this afternoon." This one's definitely problematic. The words "is" and "this" put the sentence in present tense while the rest of the story is in past tense.
Again, I want to emphasize that I liked this very much, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Remember, these are just my thoughts, observations, and opinions. They meant to be respectful, encouraging, and constructive. If they have been unwelcome, well… you can print this out and flush it down the toilet, if you want. Or set it out with the leaves.
Here's your drinks, by the way. 
--Jeffrey
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