Wow! Good job. I really enjoyed this peace, Your love shone through the entire piece. To me, if your emotion is strong enough to move and connect your reader to you, then you have done the hard part. There are a few flow problems,but nothing that takes away from the beauty that is this poem.
***Disclaimer. I am only a writer like yourself, and this is just my opinion.***
Title/Description:
I am not a big fan of all caps in the title, I think subtlety is the better way to go. I do like the way the title and description help bring you into the poem though.
Flow/Rhythm:
Its hard for me personally to judge the rhythm of this piece, because I can't tell if it is supposed to be free-form or not.
Imagery:
You use a lot of unique descriptors in this piece, which I find very refreshing. You paint a very vivid picture and I can feel your passion in your words.
Grammar/Punctuation:
Line 5, stanza 6 you use "b" instead of "be" and at the beginning of a few lines you use "U" instead of "you". I personally think it takes away from the imagery of this piece. Also I noticed you used one or two forms of punctuation, but kept the rest free-form? If you intended it to be free form, I would get rid of the punctuation. If you are not sure where to punctuate I would be more than happy to help out, just message me.
I think that this is a very good beginning and that with some editing you could make this an even better poem, you have the passion and that is one thing you can't learn.
Keep up the great work and keep on writing, and I will keep on reading.
First off, I thought it was a very amusing tale. You paint the picture of a guy that we could all know, one of those guys that everyone has a different anecdote or story about. I also thought that it was very creative, and it felt like a long joke rather then a short story, (and I mean that as a compliment) you even had a punchline for your last sentence. My only problems are grammatical, and they don't steal you away from the story to much, so I wont mention them here, but if you email me and ask I will do a thorough check :). I assume that this piece is meant more for its humor and character, then for perfect grammar, so once again I applaud you for the laughs you have given me with this creative piece.
~Chaotic Harmony~
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