|As far as writing style goes, that piece is well put together! The story generally flows smoothly and is quite intriguing. In my opinion, it is worth taking the time to develop it further into a novel. The writing is rich and colorful with heavy emphasis on characters’ emotions.
As for some things I noticed that can be improved upon:
1.) Point of view (POV). It seemed to me that the POV changed several times during the piece (all four characters appeared to be represented). If you plan to have this reworked into a novel, a consistent POV will be one of the things an editor will look for. I realize it’s hard to portray emotions and motivation without the different POVs yet you’ll have to pick one and stick with it.
2.) Consider the following sentences/paragraphs:
The Guardians visited the king and queen of Nyclone the day after Selestrus was born. King Luther’s soldiers came bursting into the palace moments after the morning’s first light that summer day to report that they had seen two dark shadows in the sky, flying like hawks through the sunlit haze. Starlise met her husband’s eyes. They were coming.
--That passage contradicts the feel of rest of the story a bit. It seemed that in the rest of the story the Royal family had no idea who’s coming, why or even when. The last sentence seems somewhat of a strong finish to the paragraph that implies knowledge and certainty. Perhaps, in order to stick to the original idea, you can include a sentence like “Nobody expected them to come, yet early in the morning that very day the royal soldiers…”
* * *
For a single moment, longer than most who walk the sun- and moon-painted landscapes of the earth, the king of Nyclone knew just how ignorant he was.
--Consider removing the middle of the sentence or finding another expression that fits the general idea. I am not sure how that part ties into the sentence at all. If I have to try to guess the meaning, I would assume that you aimed for a moment that seemed longer than it was. Still, try to find a less wordy and clearer way to express this. Also, although this is just a personal opinion- try to avoid long, complex sentences. Sometimes, such a sentence drifts away from showing the respectable command of the language that you possess and slows the story down considerably. Then again, many seem to enjoy such sentence structures so it’s a matter of personal preference.
* * *
Les, Atalanta decided vaguely, they’ll call him Les.
--“Les,” Atalanta decided vaguely, “they’ll call him Les.”
* * *
As far as content- I like the idea about the curse/bless blend that comes with immortality. Perhaps a plotline that needs some clarification either in this chapter or in future ones is why the prince was the one selected for the gift of the Guardians. Also, it seemed a bit unclear whether the kid was born with that power inside him or whether the Guardians blessed/cursed him with it.
* * *
Well, to sum it up, this piece is well thought out and has its merits. It flows reasonably well and the language is quite colorful. The story can use some editing to remove structures that (in my opinion) slow the flow somewhat. Apart from that, this is a good start that has the potential to be developed into a novel.
I hope I was of some help.