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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cjbyrne
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23 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by C.J.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A very moving, not to mention fitting piece. Since you said you are three words over your limit I suggest you revisit paragraph 4. You use "loved" four times in two lines, it's too much repetition. Same problem for “pretended” in: “However, as I pretended that everything would turn out well, as I ignored the classes I was failing, as I pretended that college …” You could also cut “caring” and/or "wonderful" from “child with a loving, caring, wonderful family,” as “loving” implies “caring” and "wonderful." Lastly, I noticed a typo in paragraph 5: "Mothers' Day" should be "Mother's Day."

Hope that helps. Good lock getting into school!
cj
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Review of After the Rush  
Review by C.J.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi sunflower,

I found this piece truly stirring; thank you for being so open, it’s helped me to understand, on a new level, the afflictions that some of my family and friends have—those who also have bipolar disorder. Your writing style flows quite naturally, and so, makes for a fantastic read. Moreover, your word choices and descriptions are deliciously dynamic.

What follows is a list of comments, suggestions, and a few discovered typos (written in the order they appear in your article). I hope you find it helpful; feel free to disregard anything you are not of the same opinion with (other than the evident errors mentioned, of course, lol!).

o “When I came again to awareness, three days had passed.”-- an excellent opening sentence; it jumps right to the tale (I so hate boring intros). This line is intriguing, drawing the reader in.
o “I'd been away in the fog.”—beautiful metaphor.
o “With that being done and complete,”—repetitive, “done” and “complete” are synonyms; I’d cut one of them.
o When you first mention “They” you’ve got they in quotes, but the rest are italicized. Stick with one or the other for consistency.
o “It effects behaviour.”—affects.
o “Somebody must've decided to soften the emotional impact with gentler sounding words.”—lol! I enjoy the sarcastic humorous tone here.
o “. . . my anti-depressants, not realizing that I would swing the other way--into mania--if the antidepressant . . .”—for consistency either use hyphenated version or the non-hyphenated one.
o “I'm dealing with my body making it's own cocaine.”—Awesome image, but you’ve got the wrong “its” in there. Also, the following sentence, “Those things cocaine users seek,“ may I suggest you use “coke users” to avoid repetition.
o You need to run a spell check; there are a lot of spelling errors. Examples: “Michaelangelo” & “schizenophrenia” ; Michelangelo, schizophrenia.
o “When manic, bizarre, unusual, and attention attracting clothing is the norm, and just another part of the scene. This extreme dressing is usually unintentional.”—rather confusing, try rewording this part.
o “On a "good episode,"—I’d change “on” to “during.”
o “fed numerous anti-psychotic cocktails.”—yet another wonderful description.
o “This terminology refers to a little bit, a small amount, of mania,”—cut either “a little bit” or “a small amount,” they are the same thing.
o “literary types of the Eithteenth and Nineteenth Centuries have behaviour documenting”—“Eighteenth”; also, I’d use “suggesting” instead of “documenting.”
o “No task seems unattainable, no challenge undauntable.”—contradiction of terms: Undauntable: Not admitting of discouragement: undauntable heroism; undauntable optimism. (Dictionary.com)
o “Parts of that three day period was spent in sleep.”—were spent in sleep.
o “To recovered from a day and a half up,”—recover
o “But, because my body has turned on it's "manic button",”—its
o “The darkness of light, and the brightness of day,”—I believe you meant night where you said light.
o “to distinguish between what is a "passing"' mood, what what is a personality trait”—double “what.”
o “I'm not in the proverbial driver's seat of my life. I'm definitely there, going along for the ride,”—love that comparison, very revealing.
o “It's a reverse domino theory.”—Perfect imagery for this condition.
o “I lose track of time because of the watch on which my brain functions.”—I love how this line shows how your psyche functions on its own agenda, oblivious to real time or the commands of physical reality.

Well that’s about all I’ve got for you. Thanks again for sharing this write with Writing.com, and keep up the exceptional writing!

cj




3
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Review of Purge  
Review by C.J.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A good write! I like your choice to use suffocation as a metaphor for self-entrapment.

cj
4
4
Review by C.J.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An interesting write in an exceptional writing style. This story is magnetic; drawing the reader into the vast sphere of dreams. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: You’ve got good “it.” The it all writers strive toward each time we fill an empty page. Nice work.

I did find a few errors, though:
*The landscape flew past as I am running.
*On my right was a drop off that disappears
--tense problems with these sentences.

*but when contrast it to the silence -- awkward, try "you contrast" or "contrasted with the"

*on a narrow mountain path that lead to some unknown--leads.

*I could fell their hot breath -- feel

*or was it the same path. -- should end with a question mark.

*I took out my knife..... -- should be: I took out my knife. . . .

Love this line: The jagged rock wall bites into my hands. Beautiful! Strikingly vivid.

Write on!
c.j.







5
5
Review of Christmas Girl  
Review by C.J.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A well written and interesting story, thank you for sharing it with me. I must admit, I’m not much of a fan of the title, though.

My favorite line, without a doubt, is:
× "Their cold stares bored into me; I buried my nose deeper in my book, trying to disappear."—this line reveals a lot about your protagonist, and the description is just delicious.

Also, I found a typo for ya:
× "She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever talked to, or, that is, had speak to me . . ."--"had spoken to me"

Write on!
c.j.

6
6
Review by C.J.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very moving, penshadow. This poem's flow and tone are just right for the theme of loss. My fave. lines are:

"Who will keep us alive with tales of great battles from the past
Who will carry us home as the next generation forgets generations passed"

-Sums-up your point perfectly.

Unlike your other piece, "The Attic," I don't think this poem benefits from the non-use of periods. Your theme of forgetting reflects finality, so using periods would demonstrate the end of memory. Just a thought.

I really enjoyed this poem, though. Keep up the great work!

cj
7
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Review of The Attic  
Review by C.J.
Rated: E | (5.0)
An excellent piece of work. Your choice to write the poem as one long never-ending sentence suggests that memory is fluid, connected to the present, thus never ending, really. The past is the present and present is the past. Is that what you’re going for here?
I really like the metaphors you’ve used, both the overall one of the memory being like an attic, and those found throughout the poem.

Some of my favorite lines:

Cobwebs, like once held beliefs, hang lifelessly from a rafter
Dead as the notions of good guys always win and happily ever after (a perfect comparison; by the way, is this a postmodern piece? Seems to be.)

(red}There is water damage from all the tears I have wept (movingly painful . . . excellent description)

I always bring some reality back down those spiral stairs
But, in revisiting the past I always leave a piece of me up there (how revealing!)

I have to say, I love your word choices and talent for description; I wouldn’t change a thing.
Write on!














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Review of SHORT STORIES  
Review by C.J.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Love it! Your characters are so vivid in this piece; Bandy (great name by the way) is a total arrogant a**hole, but too funny and full of himself not to enjoy. I laughed out loud to "'What the? Menses gone out of control or what the hell?'"

You lead your reader in a wonderful way - not too spoon feeding, but not overly vague either. A great balance.

I enjoyed the imagery a lot as well. My fave. image is "(she) could easily imagine the lines from sweat-wrinkled sheets scoring his naked body. His eyes would be closed. He never opened his eyes when he answered the phone from his bed." It shows 1. Bandy's sexual nature and 2. His concern with his own pleasure (sleep in this case) over any matter that could be of importance.

Again, this is great writing. Keep it up!

C.J.
9
9
Review of This Stinks  
Review by C.J.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent! You've summed up every author's nightmare - THE BLOCK. I love the parts "The only thing flowing is ink." and "There's nothing redeeming in that.
Perhaps that's a story,
Waiting for words -
But nope. My writing falls flat.", though the whole piece is truely wonderful.
5 stars!
C.J.
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