|I found your story on [insert where you found the story (review request, plug page, random read, etc.)]. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: An interesting title. It makes me curious enough to read the story behind it.
Overall Impression: It's definitely an interesting story, but it has me somewhat confused.
Plot: I'm not sure what the plot is yet, but this is only the first chapter. Perhaps the next chapter will give more details?
Style and Voice: I'm having a bit of issue with the present tense being used, but that's because I don't normally read stories in the present tense. You seem to maintain it throughout, so there is no issue there.
Scene/Setting: Some of the scenes are confusing, such as the near accident. This scene needs work to better describe what just happened. Also, where did the pizza come from?
Characters: You switch a lot between "Joseph" and "stepfather". At first I thought that they might be two separate people, but, obviously, that's not the case. I would specify immediately that her stepfather is Joseph. Also, what happened to Jakob? It seems like you just forgot that you started with a different character. Perhaps doing another scene for him at the end of this chapter to explain that he will be playing a major role later in the story.
Dialog: The dialog worked well, I have no issue here.
Grammar and Mechanics: There were a few problems with grammar. I would go back and read it if I were you to correct these issues. There were too many for me to list here, and I don't want to seem nitpicky. I know how first drafts can be.
Suggestions: Work on the issues listed above and I believe this will be a superb chapter. I look forward to reading future chapters!
Favorite Line: "The electricity wants to be free, to escape from its glass prison."
Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!