*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/d-dubs
Review Requests: OFF
37 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Sokoro's Quest  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (3.5)
Medjay,

I like your work, you know how to tell a story. My suggestions are to re-edit. There are just enough typos to be a distraction.

Also, you use this line:
‘’Who are you? It is rarely I see warriors from the mainland in China.’’

China is the mainland, Japan is the island. Unless you are illustrating the pride of the Japanese in saying everything else is secondary. Then I would tighten that scene up a bit.

Keep up the hard work, this is going to be good.
2
2
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Novice,

I like your story, it drew me in and I want to know more about what happens. I think you have great concepts here but became confused with the different worlds. Were Alex and Zach normal sized humans or where they larger than the cubes and planets? I am sure as you develop the story you will flesh out (pardon the pun with the Deity of Death description) the details better and give the reader more information. If this is your lead I'd suggest a bit better description of the two friends to develop a tighter connection with the reader.

Great job!
3
3
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you, that was a brief but very interesting piece on two subjects I'd like to know more about. Have you considered breaking it up into paragraphs for easier reading or do you prefer the block?
4
4
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like your writing. It made me feel sad but it was a sadness born of truth.
5
5
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Once upon a time there was a bored cubicle dweller. Everyday, he stole time, pursuing his passion. One day, fortune smiled, the Great Creator was pleased. Because of that, he traded in his ergonomically correct, rolling chair for an Adirondack on the beach. Until finally, the world heard his voice.
6
6
Review of The Beginning  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
RettaLynn,

I like the plot and you are a great story teller. The only problems are ones that editing will fix and soon enough you will have a great piece. For example, I think you mean breathe (a verb) instead of breath (a noun). Words like eerie feeling instead of eery feel. Also, there are a few sentences that are clunky, such as "seemed to be heard" I think you can tighten up the writing and really make it pop.
7
7
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I hesitate to criticize such a personal, heroic, journey. If you wrote this to be therapeutic then it is great the way it is now. If you are working on perfecting the writing to make it more powerful I suggest using an active voice. Example the oncology department "had met" and "had decided". There is such power in your battle the writing can bring it out even more.
8
8
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this story of two people trying to find some common ground. Conveying an authentic voice is difficult especially when contrasting a country vs. city approach. Having many inspirations from rural America I struggle to give them a voice without making them sound backwards. I think you are doing great but may want to ease up just a bit. Unless of course that is verbatim from memory in which case the voice is authentic from the start. Keep up the good writing!
9
9
Review of Forever  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hard to go wrong quoting Pearl Jam in your description. Hope someday you hear Eddie sing your lyrics.
10
10
Review of The Harbor  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like your imagery. Makes me wish I was sitting there and enjoying a drink with you. I do think you could tighten up some of your sentence structure. I think you use a lot of adjectives and you might want to cut down on a few or them. I think you will find it more powerful with a few well chosen words.
11
11
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading your work. The first three-quarters had me convinced you were a food critic. I thought there were a few typos, like bon appetite but realize you may know more of the culinary world then I and it might be the right word. The last little bit seemed rushed. Like you were anxious to complete it and did not have the same well thought out and written feel. I did like the end though and think you have a great story here.
12
12
Review of The First Luna  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like your character and the basis of your story. I think you might benefit from some punctuation
just to help make your sentences flow better.
13
13
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (3.5)
Like this little slice of military life. I think you have a typo in the last sentence with the word add.
14
14
Review of Zanarian  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Like your writing, it makes me want to learn more about the Zanarians and Ditra.
15
15
Review of Rain Dance  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Like the premise and the direction of this short story. Felt you were doing a good job with it but the "Fear reigned supreme" cliche threw me off just a bit.
16
16
Review of Wonders of a Pond  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a solid Haiku.I like it. I feel that there is just a single word that if replaced would make it perfect. Not sure if the word to replace is shimmers, thoughts, or wander. And, it could just be personal preference but this verges on magical.
17
17
Review of Addiction  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Chris,

I like your writing and find your story fascinating. The story of the first cigarette and the fugitive is worth a short story by itself. The progression, the unusual drug of choice are attention grabbers. I found the large, blocks or paragraphs daunting. I realize the information remains the same and it is just aesthetics but it is important to break up the size and length.
18
18
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your writing is well thought out and powerful, just as you say writing as a means of communication can be. This is much more persuasive than the hated-filled rhetoric from both sides.
19
19
Review of All Or None  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is not my genre of choice but I found myself interested in your main character and wondering more about her. I like the premise as well. I think you would benefit from some editing and tightening of some sentences. (Examples: streets was rather than streets were in the first sentence). You do have something here.
20
20
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This has so much potential. Love the imagery. I wonder if you are better served using an active voice? Some of the passive voice sentences do not flow as beautifully as your imagery.
21
21
Review of YOUR BEAUTY  
Review by D-Dubs
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Love the word choice: Gawk: to stare stupidly...
21 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/d-dubs