|This story is riveting! I assume it is true. But even if its not, it is very convincing. I think you did everything right. you have a great introduction that captures attention. You keep paragraphs small so I didnt get lost in the thoughts conveyed in each one.
I think this is my favorite paragraph "Pursing her lips tightly, Marge rolled her eyes as if to laugh at my efforts. "I've tried. I've listened. Nobody knows the agony, the horrible aching in my chest." When I started to speak, Marge held up a hand to silence me. "No, don't say another word. I..." The clamor of the telephone caused her to pause and glance toward the door to the kitchen where the phone hung."
Obviously the situation is a terrible one. What I liked was the clarity here, i felt as if I was sitting in the room next to the characters. I could feel the humanity, the emotion. And then, at the worst moment, the phone rings. This is what makes the story real. Real life can have the worst timing like that.
I really identified with both charters. I have had my own battle with depression and suicidal thoughts. I have had friends who helped me through those situations. And I felt you did a great job at capturing all the feels of both the suicidal friend, and the main character who had already overcome that struggle.
I also enjoyed the twist at the end, the moment that made the friend snap out of her run away suicide train. I did not see that coming, that is why I liked it. God truly works in ways like that at times. and he can use our experiences to help others.
One suggestion I would make is in the fourth paragraph i think, beginning "Wait, Marge". The sentence is "I knew first-hand how devastating the death of someone loved could be." It says "the death of someone loved could" I feel this causes the reader to stutter because saying someone loved could is a mouth full. I think it would flow better as "the death of a loved one could be".
The only other one is in the line that begins, "Maybe you're stonger." The third sentence begins "If you had you..." I feel like this needs a comma after "if you had,". Otherwise reading it for the first time is a bit confusing. I am no expert in comma use and it can be somewhat subjective anyway, but thats what I think.
Thank you for sharing this story. I would love it if you reviewed my story. #2074944