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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/darth-slayer19
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9 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: E | (3.5)
First off, I'm not just saying this because I'm a fellow Slytherin; Good short story. I love that you gave the character's description (and wand type) first. it gives the reader a better image of Rin Chatex before the story even starts. [I knew a Scurrilous Chatex when I attended Hogwarts; no relation I assume; but I digress...]. I love that she communicates in Sigh Language, that is very original for Potterlore.

Suggestions:
Go through the story and make sure you are using capital and punctuation properly change the "i"s to "I"s

Capitalize Merlin and add an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence in "Oh my Merlin!" Snape said, looking at the window.

Again good story. it was short and sweet and fun to read, but watch how you use your capitals and punctuation.

Keep writing!

"TEN POINTS TO SLYTHERIN!"

2
2
Review of Zimbabwe Rain  
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: E | (4.0)
First off I have to say AMAZING TITLE! It hooked my attention right away! You paint a very clear picture of the land and weather. It gave me chills. There is a clear rhythm to this poem. There is a clear need for the rains to come again. Great Job!
3
3
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: E | (4.5)
Amazing imagery! I have noticed a great deal or truth and emotion in your work. Its dark at times but it is clear the speaker is torn about who they want to be. There is Clear imagery in this piece. the line "like a broken Marionette" I am wondering are you talking to another person in paragraph #5 or is this self reflection because the ""S make it a little difficult to tell the difference. But over all a well written prose.
4
4
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Lil,

Wow! What a breathtaking piece of work! There are so much emotion behind this piece! There is wishing to go back to the past AND for a better future; there is remnants of happiness; Pain of what has changed; the fear of uncertainty of moving on. Honestly an amazing poem! Great Work!!!
5
5
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: E | (5.0)
A few grammar errors but overall a beautiful and heartfelt poem that speaks truth.


suggestion:

Change "Life's" to "Lives"

Change "Become" to "Come"

Get rid of the 2 commas in line 8

add comma to "but one thing is clear" EX: "But one thing is clear, you will always be in my heart."

apart from that this was a beautiful poem! Very romantic! Excellent writing! KEEP IT UP!
6
6
Review of Forests of Virtue  
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: E | (5.0)
Every once in a while you come across a short story like this and find its simplicity very refreshing. I love this story. The innocence between William and Cu was especially nice! Excellent job on this. It is a gem!
7
7
Review of KR-435  
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I LOVE THESE KINDS OF STORIES!This story reminded me of my own Story "Star Wars: Shadows of Scarif" part 2. I love when an enemy becomes an Asset. Something I love about this story is that you don't always know what Stormtroopers are thinking and to have a stormtrooper's feelings shown so clearly is amazing. great Job!!!
8
8
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
You captured Anakin and Yoda Very well. The story was believable, and made me feel like this story fit into the Star Wars Canon. Well done! I would love to see what else happens to Ciara after this story!
9
9
Review by Darth-Slayer
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love the concept of this story. It is a fresh spin on literally bringing the Star Wars Universe to our world! The Story was very descriptive and truly gave an idea of what would happen if the Imperial Navy attacked Earth. WELL WRITTEN! KEEP WRITING!
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