Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deleerious
Review Requests: OFF
45 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Review of Attention Adults  
Review by Dhu-Glas
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A fairly well written assessment of how Youths are viewed. The style is not my favorite, but it scans well and is easy to understand.

As an older fart, I can sympathize with the views expressed, and realize the truths offered.

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
Review of The Druid's Creed  
Review by Dhu-Glas
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I was drawn into the tale with the first few paragraphs.

The characters are fairly well developed and the story, so far, interesting. I might suggest separation of Paragraphs. As it is with everything running non-stop it is a little awkward to read..

Following the action is a little difficult. Some of your word choices could be better. For example in the prologue Knelt might work better than "Kneeled", and Roast instead of Roasted they mean the same and Roast Pork scans a little better.Roasted is past tense. Roast is both present and past.

All in all, the story holds my attention. The time of day/night seems a bit skewed. Is it Day or Night? The blacksmith seems to be working during the day, Tarrol is hiding in shadow and darts out in NIGHT to snatch the jewels.

You also need to pay attention to Past-Present-and Future in the actions of your characters. Do take a good look at this piece. You have promise but it seems that you wrote this hurriedly and a closer look and editing would make this an outstanding piece.

Don't stop! I would hope to see more of this tale, and the connection between the old Druid and Tarrol.

Bear in mind that I comment only as a reader, not a Grammarian, or expert editor.

I could feel empathy with your 'Thief' and the descriptions; dungeon and cavern in the prologue are impressive.

Keep writing. I hope Tarrol survives and that the tale completes well.
Review by Dhu-Glas
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nicely done! The "Hitchcock" twist at the end is brilliant. Keep writing. If you can do so much with so little, you have a future as a great story teller.

The opening sentence grabs the reader immediately.

Thanks for sharing this delightful little vignette with us.

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
Review of My New Business  
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting. Well written, but obviously the person researching missed the most obvious reasons NOT to try those first two businesses in the area and countries where they were attempted.

Know your customer base is the first in any research project.

I laughed until my ribs ached. A tale told with humor and a definite tongue-in-cheek flair.

Good luck with 'Starbucks'.

Thanks for a good laugh! I needed that!

Review of Memories' End  
Review by Dhu-Glas
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well done! I was pulled into the tale with the first sentence. I confess that I read it through just to 'read' it. I did not look for Grammatical or punctuation errors. I just read it.

I was completely engrossed with the story. The aimless wandering, the meeting at the church, the description of the passersby not seeing you or choosing not to see the indigent wandering by, was described in a manner that impressed me with your perspicacity. Again WELL DONE!

Do not stop writing, you have an ability of which, were I an envious person, I would be a deep green in complexion!

Thanks for a very engrossing and attention holding tale.

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done. The theme is quite imaginative. I was caught by the first sentence. Well done. The travails of the human in this piece could be expanded into a story, easily.

The two viewpoints are indicative of dilemma's we face daily. The action of the 'father' in attempting to protect his off-spring is vivid and well presented.

Thanks for bringing to mind aspects of hunting and survival I'd not thought before. The thoughts of the fawn were more rational than one considers that of animals to be.

Do keep writing! I found no major Grammatical or punctuation errors, and no typos caught my eye. WELL DONE!

Review of A.I. Music  
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting concept. The plot has a chilling hint of the future in it. I do recall some years ago that movie theatres and other ads for food were banned from 'subliminal advertising'.

In those cases they were inserting a single frame of the food, or items being sold at the concession stand into the 30 FPS of the movie. It worked! People would get the munchies and business did pick up at the movie consession stand.

In the over all I enjoyed the piece, the anxiety of Chaise for Angey's binging on food, and the reference to Mouse Tales was a bit of comedy relief.

It does hope that the reader will understand the referrence. Otherwise the 'joke' will pass un-noticed. *Smile*

The development of A. I. tailoring ads that can be used as a subliminal push is interesting, and, not as far fetched as it may seem. Many of the 'social media' sites, such as Facebook, are tailoring ads to the users. I doubt that it is A.I. and suspect it is the filters the coders have installed that do the job.

I found a few minor glitches. You can ignore the comments about "" if they show clearly on your computer. For some strange reason, mine fails to show them once in a while.

As I have said previously. I am a reader more than a Grammarian or expert at punctuation, or parsing sentences. But these did catch my eye.

"[...]Well yea, but...[...] close quote

"[...]The waitress had just put or set sat the fourth[...]"

"[...] Nobody gives there their kids names[...]"

"[...] on the richest under 40 list.[...]" close quote

"[...]"I've seen that AD, didn't make me want to scarf the nearest pastry."[...]" You use full caps for AD in the phrase above this as well. Any reason it is not the normal "ad" as is commonly used? A.I. I can understand being full cap, but the choice instead the usual ad, when speaking of advertising, makes me curious.

"[...]Good Times by the Dan Maters band. It was playing the first night we met." I let that sink in.[...]" This dialogue confuses me a little. Does it refer to Chaise and his unknown companion, or is it a referrence to when Chaise and Angey met?

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed this. I shall have to get the first two chapters, which I hope contain more details of the shenanigans of Dr. Hempshine. It reads almost like the "mad Scientist" with mind erasure of a human, DNA modification to morph said human into another species.

Interesting concept. The title is a little misleading. One expects more of a historical treatise on 'Legendary Creatures" and not Dr. Frankenstein dabbling with DNA and mind erasure.

Bear in mind I am neither a Grammarian, or expert in punctuation. In the main I am merely audience (reader). I mean no disrespect, nor am I suggesting you change your style or follow my suggestions.

So far well done. I shall have to find the other chapters and read the first part of the story.

Some minor points:

"[...]the progress him he and Achilles[...]"

"[...] at Achilles Achilles' cell[...]

"[...]Achilles?" Yorik said calmly[...] It might be clearer if you used Dr. Hempshine's full name in the opening sentence I.E. Dr. Yorik Hempshine. The change to first name only at this point is a little confusing. All readers may not have the mental acuity to realize they are the same person.

"[...]if it's just him and I me [...]

"[...]Achilles was more I think 'uninjured' would be a better choice than ok [...]

"[...]They both walked out[...] They means 'both'. You can delete 'both' and keep the meaning.

"[...]faster that than Dr.[...]"
the entire paragraph in which this appears could be re-written to scan a little better. In some places the wording is a little awkward and, in some cases more than needed.

"[...]both headed to the lab 'returned to' ?

"[...] Achilles Achilles' [...] The ' indicates the possessive form of Achilles name. I.E. crudely: Achilleses. (Grin)

"[...]The doctor did as asked and wrote every vital onto a chart and handed it to Yorik.[...] you have two doctors, it might be a bit clearer if you said, or used: Dr. Gerome checked Achilles' vitals and handed a chart with the results to 'Yorik, or words to that effect. Or even 'to Dr. Hempshine.'

[...]"Achilles I would simply say "Achilles followed [...] did as asked and followed the doctor down the corridor to a huge open room full of paintings and cave drawings."

"[...]whipped around to see what the commotion was. To both their surprise to their surprise ? a young lab assistant had knock ed over a table.

"[...] "Well, doctor, I'll leave you two to have bonding time. I'll see you later, Achilles," Hilary waved as she left the room.[...] the 'bonding time comment is a little superflous. I would have ended it at 'I'll leave you two some privacy.'[...]

"[...] ducking down to get through [...] ducking his head or lowering his head ?

"[...] enormous claw into Dr. Gerome's hand. Dr. Gerome found a vein in Achilles' claw [...] I think 'paw' would work better. The inner part of a 'claw' or talon is as sensitive as the tender part under your toenail or fingernail. I don't think that Achilles would accept that needle without an anesthetic.

Again if you use 'they' or 'their' you don't need 'both' or 'all of them' or similar. They and their is inclusive.

"[...] Achilles put one claw paw ? around the doctor to hug him back.[...]

"[...] Dr. Hempshine locked the door behind Achilles after he had laid down for the night. [...] I presume you mean Achilles. The way it is written it could be either of them. You might restructure the sentence or add a qualifier: [...] Locked the door after Achilles had settled down/laid down for the night. [...]

"[...]"I'm going to head home to my family for the night.[...] simplify this. 'I'm going home to my family for the nitght.' ?

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well done. I can't say I enjoyed it. It is not a story that one should enjoy. I too knew someone who left me considering our mortality. In my case Cancer took her out of my life.

From the diagnoses to the end of our acquaintanceship was a mere week. In my case the person was someone whom I knew, and had known for over thirty years.

I understand your anger with Dave and the feeling of, shall I say, guilt for not standing up for her at your last meeting.

I found nothing in the construction or use of words that need comment. I do suggest that you space your paragraphs at least two lines apart. As it is now constructed,it is a little awkward to read with the paragraphs butted up so closely to one another.

I noticed you used italics on friendly and friends. I suggest you either use friendly as a total non-italicized word or use quotes if you feel the need to emphasize the word.

Bear in mind I am neither a Grammarian, nor an expert in punctuation. I hope you will continue to write, and I hope the thoughts conveyed do not cause you to lose sleep.

The truth is,life is a terminal illness. Sad but true. Too bad Holly could not combat her anorexia and survive to brighten Clark the Clerk's life a bit longer.

The piece is well constructed, insightful and well worth the 'read' for all of us.

Thanks for sharing this slice of your life, if, in fact it is so. Again well done and thanks for writing it!
Review of That Unusual Boy  
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: E | (3.0)
Except for the fact that you never mention HOW he could use his feet for hands, I found it suitable for kids and enjoyed it.

I might have changed the first sentence to read: "This story is about a boy named Tad. Tad was quite the unusual lad." [...]

Bear in mind that I am merely a 'reader' and have no intention to say change your story, or the way you have written it. My comment on the first sentence/Paragraph just scans a little better in my never humble opinion (Grin)

I hope you write more about Tad, and his unique ways. This little bit is entertaining to all ages, but seems just a little unfinished. I'm sure you could say a lot more about Tad and his decision to walk on his hands and 'use his feet' as hands!

Dusty (Deleerious)
Review of Eight Bells  
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Captain Jones stood upon the forecastle of the Narcissus, (on would better suit the opening. Upon is a little ponderous)

out of ‘em. It was eternity (ellipses instead of a period would indicate a thoughtful pause in his tale and be a bit more 'haunting')

Clive stopped and slowly turned, like a ship coming about. (stopped and, turned to look back at Jeremiah. ?)

Must do so to keep up her crew, souls condemned to sail for eternity wi’out e’er seeing port.” (Must do so to keep up her crew. Souls condemned etc. ?)

The mist had become so thick, that Clive’s eyes were no longer visible. (had closed in so thickly that Clive's eyes were no longer visible. ?)

view by the milky haze of mist. (you already said it was so thick Clive's face was close to, if not, invisible. [...]by the thick haze of mist[...] or thick fog ?)

The smell increased in intensity and seemed to thicken in the muggy atmosphere (you might try odor or aroma in one or two of the places you are using 'smell')

the unmistakable gentle rushing sound of a hull (the unmistakable sound of ?)

The sound of the other ship’s hull, invisible through the mist, (passage ?came even with[...])

“God save us!” someone moaned a few stations back. Jeremiah wanted more than anything to cry out and give in to the terror, to run below decks and hide in the hold from the horrible thing which was passing by. Instead he gritted his teeth and pulled even harder. The Narcissus continued to creep forward under the weakening power of the men at the sweeps.

Very soon, the ominous sound of the other ship began to fade into the ship’s quarter. Jeremiah thought he imagined the horrible smell lessening, but soon it faded as well. His breath came easier, as if liberated from the choking wetness around him. The light of the moon seemed to rise a bit as the sound of the other ship faded away.

(these two paragraphs could be tightened up a little, I think)

Around them, the Narcissus slowly became visible as the mist evaporated. Jeremiah could see the Captain standing on the forecastle, his head tilted upward to gauge the visibility of the rigging above. (unless taking the place of the foreward lookout the Captain would most likely be at/on the quarterdeck or at the wheel. From there he could see the entire ship and the sails. )

Jeremiah didn’t answer. As the last of the mist faded away, the moonlight now shone fully on the still form on deck. (the sound of a body falling came from the hold. You might indicate the 'deck of the hold'. As written it reads as though Clive's body materialized on deck. On deck usually means the main deck of the ship under discussion)
Review of Skylars Run  
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
In the main, well done! Thrilling action. Character development, especially Skylar, is nicely done. I hope there will be more. I am curious as to the ultimate outcome.

Some minor things. Not being an expert writer, or grammarian, you can ignore my comments. I did find a few places where you seemed to use a few extra, or unneeded words. In one or two places I had some minor confusion.

clutched to the reins. (Clutched the reins is enough)

The night skies above (Above is superfluious. All skies are "Above")

"The stallion crawled its way from the water and managed a few steps before stumbling and falling on to its foam"
( Could be a little tighter: The stallion crawled from the water and managed a few steps before stumbling and falling to its foam)

the hooded man’s (his face?)

The sheer display of ferocity unnerved him ( I probably would have used his name or 'the man'. )

Carefully he began edging (his way) back the way he had come. He stowed his bow over his shoulder ("back the way he had come" should be enough (Slipped the bow? "Stowed" usually means 'to pack away')

carcase (carcass=minor typo)

“Lucas wants to see you.(...?) Now.”(! ?) the ellipses usually aid in indicating a thoughtful or meaningful pause. Otherwise it would be "Lucas wants to see you now."

Skylar entered and his escort closed in behind him ( I presume you mean the guards. His only escort was Marek.)

There were multiple rows of walkways and parapets (set) at various levels (and) accessed by ladders hugging the walls. Many small openings had been cut in the walls to allow the defenders (to be able) to repulse attacks

( words in () seem extra and not needed. A comma between 'levels' and 'access' would work)

“You (, ?) by surviving," (ellipses or comma)

the ground; then (reversing his direction ?), he rolled back between the spiders legs and thrust upward ( extraneous)

blood and ichor (Whose blood? His from his injuries?)

Do continue Skylar's tale. I enjoyed it immensely! I rated it 5 stars. The story is engrossing, the action exciting and except for the minor things I mentioned well worth continuing. I can't wait, although I must, for the rest.

Review of Tribute  
Review by Dhu-Glas
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I enjoyed the plot. Construction of sentences occasionally obscures your meaning.

The use of some words such as Spelunking was a bit confusing. Spelunking is exploring a cave or cavern system. I can't get your meaning in the use. "Time blurred as the spelunking priestess guided Khrys around roaming guards"
Not certain I understand the usage of the word.

"Prudent to THINK down some side street" is awkward. Not sure what is needed, but the sentence in its entirety is a bit vague as written.

"Peripherals"? I assume you mean Khry's peripheral vision and not accessories to something.

"midnight armor smelted from rare Ogestralt with the help of a female squire" . SHE DID NOT SMELT THE ORE. A comma or restructuring would help.

"magical seal- a gate" Use commas not hyphens "Jetov- he was a squire"

"His dry mouth sighed,"? His mouth was dry as he sighed, a sickening mixture of relief and shame. Scans better and makes more sense.

“Yes. I- want- to save a life." I. Want. To. Save a life! The hyphens are misleading, perhaps. I... want to save a life. Either will work a little better I think.

What does that have to-(... elipses not hyphens) and how did he know!

"bits of coral from the coast drifted" Coral is unlikely to drift. The odor of dying coral might. Coral broken up seldom becomes dust, it is more likely to be small grains like fine sand moveable only by a very strong wind.

You are one of us, little brother, an unknown invader spoke in his mind. No. He knew him, though they never met. Gyuri Collias, a baker’s son from a minor village in the southeast who survived a cruel famine when the Dreadknights came to restore order.

We sense your loneliness, Hazm Hatem, distant cousin of Uthmaa N Yamin and hero from the Isle of the Dead growled.
I suggest Semi-colons instead of commas after Collias and Yamin.

but the wound-(...)

The Dread Lord laughed. “You learn quickly, but not well enough. Marrinae sacrificed herself when the Old Gods demanded blood. She loved the world as much as our Master, but refused to stain her precious honor to save the world" Confusing. She sacrificed herself,what was the stain to her honor?.

Knelt would work better "Maidens kneeled with lost hope"

I presume that you don't want much more of this dissection. As I said I enjoyed the plot but found the construction a bit awkward in places.
I could probably say more, but I shant.

I could very well be totally mistaken in my thought and suggestions. No disrespect intended. But as a reader I found it a bit hard to follow in places.
13 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deleerious