|hey there VB! (can I call you VB?)
Nice story. Interesting characters and idea. I also like that it is set in a regular day-to-day area. After reading mostly fantasies (don't get me wrong, I love them), I really enjoyed reading a story set in Brooklyn. (You can actually find it on a real map!)
The only thing I suggest is that you really go back and check your work. Although I truly enjoyed the story and the concept itself, I felt that it was only fair to rate a 3.5 because of the amount of errors I found.
Please don't be offended. I'm an especially nit-picky person.
first paragraph: be careful of wordy sentences
Since she was finally a senior this year she was allowed to leave early everyday at twelve thirty
-comma after 'year'
What worried her the most, was what lay in the packet behind her schedule. She never knew that a few single off white piece’s of paper offering her a chance at a full scholarship to Manhattans prestigious Pengham’s Writer’s Institute could be so bittersweet.
-First sentence here: you don't need a comma after 'most.' There is no apostrophe for 'pieces,' because it is a plural 's.' On the contrary, you DO need an apostrophe for 'Manhattan's,' because it shows possession.
She had met all of the general requirements; 4.0 grade point average, clean school record,and at least two literature related after school activities.
-I would change the semicolon after 'requirements' to a colon, because you are making a list. I'd also put a hyphen between literature and related, but its not absolutely necessary.
What writers conventions have you been able to take part in?
-apostrophe for "writer's"
She knew perfectly well that her main rival, Jessica Franklin had interned for Jake Lakeson, famous young adult fiction writer, over the summer.
-Okay, here I found that your commas are in odd places. First off, there should be a comma after 'Franklin.' You don't need a comma between 'writer' and 'over.'
So already she was one step ahead of Madison. Madison was in no position to give up just because of this.
-You shouldn't start sentences with 'so.' I think you can combine the two above sentences like so: Although Jessica was already one step ahead of her, she was in no position to give up.
The only reason she was even excepted into Twain Academy was because or her terrific academic standing that earned her acceptance into the high school as well as a full paid
-okay, a couple of things here: you spelled "accepted" wrong the first time, although I don't get why you would do that when you spell it correctly the second time. Also, the two bolded phrases are repeats. You already said she got acceptance to the high school, you don't need to say it twice!
Alexa Roshep was Madison’s first friend upon entering Twain academy
-capital 'a' in academy.
Madison handed her Raven haired friend her schedule and smiled.
-should raven be capitalized? And i'd put a hyphen between raven and haired.
“Bingo,” said Madison, putting the papers away in her backpack and taking a big gulp of sprite from her water bottle.
-capital 's' for Sprite because it is the name of the product.
... kept on drinking juice or soda till she made a million runs to the bathroom within an hour.
-As much as I love 'till,' it's not a word. Please say 'until.'
Madison waited out side by the large metal gates of the school for Alexa.
-out and side are one word: outside
“Sorry, I’m a bit late,” she said, as she ran up to her, huffing for breath.
-no comma needed after 'said.'
“So, have you decided if your gonna talk to her?”asked Alexa, after she finally caught her breath fifteen minutes later.
-this should be 'you're' because it is a contraction for 'you are.'
These thoughts consumed her mind till she ended up at the front door of her Brooklyn apartment.
-once again with the 'till.'
It was her grandmothers main rule; no shoes in the house.
-apostrophe between r and s in grandmothers
They always told her not to worry about paying for collage or anything at all.
But Madison felt to guilty to accept something as huge as that from them.
-should be 'too.' And since you're starting this sentence with 'but,' I would just go ahead and combine it with the sentence before it.
still keeping in touch even into their thirty’s.
She wished one day she would be able to write as good as Stephanie.
-'write as good as Stephanie' is improper grammar. Try 'write as well as Stephanie.'
Stephanie never told her directly but she felt that after her mother found out she wanted to be a writer she asked her to be discrete and mentor her.
-diagnosis: this sentence's punctuation took a vacation!
try a comma after 'directly,' and 'writer.'
“Let yourself in,” yelled a voice from the other side.
-if Stephanie is yelling this, shouldn't there be an exclamation mark?
Though her shirt was a few sizes to big on her Madison knew that her figure was worthy of walking down the runway of a New York fashion show.
-comma between 'her' and 'Madison.'
*I noticed you have quite a few punctuation mishaps. A good trick is reading your story out loud so that you can tell where a sentence naturally breaks, which is where you'd put a comma.*
She felt inferior around her. She felt as if she were an aw-struc nymph staring up at her idol goddess, surrounded in a cloud of smoke .
-You start both of these sentences with 'she felt.' Why not combine them? Try something like, 'she felt inferior around her, like an awestruck nymph staring up at her idol goddess....etc." Which brings me to my next point: you spell 'aw-struck' like 'awestruck.'
“Well...Where to begin,” said Madison.
-'Where' shouldn't be capitalized.
By making her laugh she felt a big loosened up.
-I'm guessing this is a typo. She felt a 'bit' loosened up?
“Well I think this will explain it a lot better,” she said, reaching in her pocket and handing over the scholarship paper’s to her.
-no apostrophe for papers, because it is a plural. Never use apostrophes for plural nouns.
"Stephanie quickly scanned the sheets in a few second’s.."
-same thing here for 'seconds'
I know there are more experienced people out there that would be better then me but,
-okay, you use 'than' when you are comparing two things. You use 'then' for succession.
ex) I like blue more than red.
I'm going to eat and then sleep.
if there’s anyway or any other option you can offer me. I would really appreciate it.”
-comma instead of period after 'me.'
I really, really hope you benefited from my review. Remember, you can only get better and better!
Thanks so much for contributing to the review forum!