|Please remember to take any opinion with a grain of salt. It is only an opinion. When we write, we should always write what interests us so the passion shines through.
First Opinion: I believe you have an interesting story here. I like the idea of the futuristic war and the battle ground being on multiple planets. The story was a little hard to read due to run-on sentences. Also, there was a lot of story "telling" rather than showing through action. The backstory about Michael and Sylvana's love would have been better described if you had more interaction between the two characters and displayed the tension and love between them. Telling me that Michael loves Sylvana is never as good as showing the love through his actions, words, and thoughts when he sees her.
Plot: Obviously with only one chapter, there is not enough of the plot revealed to offer feedback. I can see the beginnings of a futurist, science fiction, interstellar war and a star-crossed-lovers style romance.
Pacing: The first chapter includes a lot of information, and I felt that you delivered it succinctly. However, it felt mechanical rather than organic. How much of this information is important in Chapter one?
P.O.V.: Your story is very large, and in chapter one, you have selected a first person point of view. This can be dangerous as you limit you ability to share information that can help to show the world you are creating and how the story can progress. This also limits you from being able to explain to the reader anything that the protagonist does not already know. You may want to consider a narrator for this story so that you can fill in any missing information you are not able to show through character actions and dialogue. A Narrator can help you to include information about the futuristic technology and backstories of all the characters.
Grammar: I am not the person to have as an editor, it is a weakness of mine. As I mentioned above, there are a lot of run-on sentences that can be hard to read through. You may want to consider breaking them into smaller more actionable sentences.
Overall: There is an interesting sci-fi/fantasy story here. I want to encourage you to continue to write this. I recommend working on showing the story by using more of the characters actions to describe what is being seen rather than telling what is happening. I also recommend considering a different point of view. You may want to consider a Narrator or 3rd person.
We are writers and are allowed to hold to our belief that what we have written is what we meant to write.