|I got a laugh out of your story. the ending was hilarious! This needs a lot of work, mostly becuase it has a rough feel to it, maybe it just needs a little clearing up... try to go through and make the paragraphs go smoother. Here's some things I notticed:
That may be one of the most cliché ways to begin a story, but that truthfully is how mine starts. - is after that.
I am not a vivid dreamer, and I always wake up whenever I am in a dream. As I feel the last of the unexamined wall, it becomes clear that I am in some situation that is not "normal".- this should be a paragraph all by itself.
It's the first that actually looks unearthly.- rework this sentence for clarity.
It's like the sun-painted sky of dusk that we are all used to on Earth times fifteen, except there isn't a sun in sight- rework this sentence, it grates against the rest.
"I'm Mura." Mura says.-'Mura says' is repetetive.
I walk up to Mura and start feeling his face. He looks at me with same look he’s had since I’ve known him.- 'since I've known him' implies that he's known him for ahwile. he hasn't. try something else.
"We'll get to that later." Mura seriously replies- I think this would sound better as Mura replies seriously, but even the word seriously is not necessary. -ly adverbs should be avoided when it concerns dialog.
I may not have been like your typical horror movie character, but so far I am turning out to be a great fantasy/adventure movie character.- Is this necessary?
My name is Michael by the way. Nice to meet you.- LOL. this is funny.
This isn't working. Writing the "grey-bearded man" is getting annoying and feels too vague. He never ends up saying his name in this story, so for convenient purposes I'm going to refer to him as Sparky McDips*** from now on.- LOL. Getting even funnier.
Oh. My. God. Here, in front of me, is the opportunity to complete a two-races-band-together-but-then-ultimately-betray-each-other-and-go-to-war-for-many-years-but-just-in-the-nick-of-time-one-man-unites-them-just-before-impending-doom story.- Again, LOL. Love your synical voice!
So here I am now. I'm in Hell. It turns out God was real and all that Bible s*** was true. They got one thing wrong though. It turns out Hell isn't actually a pit of eternal flame. It's cold. f***ing freezing actually. It's an icy abyss. All of the people on Earth have been misusing the phrase "a cold day in Hell" all these years.- Unexpected and funny as hell!
Good job with this, I think its a great start! Try a little editing and revising, I'll be glad to re-rate the final draft! 'Till then, happy writing!