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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drhf
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7 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Words  
Review by DRHF
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Bella,

I think your poem is very good. You have managed to construct easily read prose with a complex structure. You have also outlined your philosophical beliefs with great elegance. As your poem exposes your beliefs, I have briefly outlined my perceptions (so you can see how I interpreted your prose) and logic in deciphering your verse.

I like the use of comparative analogy with Brownian Motion (at least I hope I have hit the nail on the head!!!). Personally, my belief is held in the random movement of molecules based on the erratic and seemly irrational movement of smaller particles. Your poem specifies that the words come from the unknown, carrying emotions and ideas to you the receiver;

"Like the misty image of a distant past
Indiscernible yet unmistakable
Like a prophesy yet unfulfilled
Whispering uncertain destinies,"

This is interesting. Basically, you as the receiver are not creating the meaning of chance words, but instead are receiving emotion from the actual words. Personally, I feel the opposite way, that random brain activity creates a word, that we then interpret and attach meaning to. However, I can see your point and respect it; and it is written very elegantly.

You bring the idea a step further by suggesting that the actual words come from the domain of god, following his/her/its plan.

"Written in stone by the hand of God
Etched in hearts by the voice of God
Blinding the ears of men
Like thunder and lightening
Exposing Trojan truths
Daring perception beyond it boundaries
Fixing, mending, bowing, breaking
the words come and the words go…"

I am not Christian, or Atheist but Agnostic (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnosticism), and I have to admit I don't believe, or disbelieve in god (I'm still awaiting the verdict!!!), so please don't be offended by how I interpreted this passage. I believe this passage expresses your belief in god and mysticism (that these words have the ability to expose you to truth). I came to this conclusion from the passage, "Exposing Trojan truths, Daring perception beyond it boundaries". According to wiki, "Mysticism .... is the pursuit of communion with, identity with, or conscious awareness of an ultimate reality, divinity, spiritual truth, or God through direct experience, intuition, instinct or insight", so you can safely believe in mysticism and be Christian (I know mysticism is not a pretty sounding word to Christians, but that's the philosophy I identified the passage as belonging to). I suppose your closing statement of the poem led me to this interpretation. I think you have really achieved a great deal, by showing so much of yourself, so elegantly, in such a short passage.

Overall, I can find no fault with your poem. It is beautifully written, enjoyable to read, and has made me think.
5 Stars,

From a fellow rising star,

DRHF, David
2
2
Review of The Sea Inside  
Review by DRHF
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Sakura,

Please forgive me if I have interpreted your poetry incorrectly, it sometimes happens. If I am correct, your repeated subject "the Sea inside," is symbolic of a persons inner being, soul or other intangible. I believe this a good premise for a poem, and I like the idea. The poem expresses that you, or individuals in general, have a deepness to them, other than what is visibly apparent. I like the idea that it is also effected by life (whether consciously or not), as you express in "etched with the passing of time". You state that it has "been carved by the tides", which are beyond our control. I like this idea, however, I believe you must better express a comparative statement of "tide"; the idea is too vague and risks alienating the reader through being slightly washy.

"Some may come to explore its depth and try and map its unchartered waters.
But although they may try to conquer it,
They never will fully understand, nor own it. "

I think this is OK. Forgive me for placing my psycho-babble hat on my fat head, but from reading this there are two separate scenarios portrayed. Either it is about a lover/partner, who attempted to dominate you; or attempted closeness but was cold shouldered by you (whether knowingly or not). Leading to the final verse, which details that they, or you, never got close, and so neither party understood each other. Or, that it is impossible to really no somebody. Interestingly, the two variables could have taken place, the first a very touching and human flaw. The second, a dark portrait of reality.

Overall the poem is good, however, the verse is bumpy (ie. "The sea inside is a vast landscape of deep green waters
That hides what lies below the surface," is difficult to read because waters and surface don't rhyme or mesh well, and hides and lies both have s endings (it turns into a tongue twister, just try saying it out loud with proper s's)). Get rid of the chop from the verse and I'll give it a five, however, I think 4.5 is a fairer score.

Sorry for the length,

David

Nature  (E)
Second Poem.
#1606370 by DRHF


Please feel free to review something of mine.


3
3
Review by DRHF
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very Good,

I like your writing style, its meaty, and well filled. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting graphic detail towards the end, but it wasn't too bad. On a good note, I didn't expect the vampire/creatures at the end. I thought I was reading a down and out prostitute story, which turned into a light love scene, to vampires! Not bad in so few words.

On a bad note, it was a little confusing, with all the elements jumping out, but easily dealt with (a quick pause for thought).

All in all, 4 out of 5, very good
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