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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elizabethlk
Review Requests: ON
51 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Query Letter  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Anthony!

I am happy to fulfill your request to review your query letter. You appear to have a great start here, with a good idea of what you'd like to do with a query letter (and your novel sounds very interesting, I might add). I have some feedback that I hope you will find helpful!

Generally speaking, the header of a query letter is going to have the name, position, publisher, and address for the person you are sending it to. That makes "I am contacting you because you represent XXX" a bit of a moot point, as you should be demonstrating that you know who they are, and they definitely know who they are. If you want to demonstrate that you did pick them out, try demonstrating more specifically that you know what they are looking for (such as if the editor is looking for a particular style or subgenre that matches what you have to offer).

Your first sentence about your book, in the first paragraph, is a good start, but could definitely be livened up a bit. It should also say the title right away. For example: "My new YA novel, Galveston, brings Texan history to life, with romance and adventure during the time of the 1900 Great Galveston Hurricane."

In your second paragraph, "his community feels should be illicit" is definitely on the passive side. This could be made active with minor alterations, like rewording to "illicit in his turn of the century community." The final sentence of this paragraph should not have a comma after both.

In your third paragraph, you don't need to describe Xavier's father as cold-blooded, it is implied. "But for this dad" should probably be reworded to "but for this father" for consistency. After "his son's existence" there should be a comma.

Paragraphs two and three can actually be in the same paragraph. The pitch doesn't need to be broken up for the query letter.

"The manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request" does not need to specify "in part or full." They will simply ask for it in part or full, and saying that it is available should imply that either option is a possibility. The closing can also contain any additional styles, themes, or tone in the novel that you think is important.

The query should also contain a small amount of information about yourself, as you are the author. This can include education, experience, where you're from, and anything that makes you the right person to tell this story, etc.

I hope that you are able to use some of my feedback. If you ever need any additional feedback, please feel free to ask. I think this is a really good start, and definitely sparked my interest in your novel.

Have a great day!

Elizabeth


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2
2
Review of Autumn Requiem  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have done something wonderful with the photo prompt here. The photo is almost unnecessary, as the imagery you evoke with your words alone is enough to see the picture clearly in my mind. I appreciated the notes at the end, especially as I was not familiar with the Decuain form, although you have definitely piqued my interest in it. You seem to have executed the form flawlessly. I didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors, other than that in the ninth line, there should be a comma between soft and deft.

This is an excellent poem, and I enjoyed it a great deal. I realise it is a good few years old at this point, but I hope you did well in the contest it was in.


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3
3
Review of What Makes a Cat  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! You have a nice, simple poem in "What Makes a Cat," and overall I liked it.

The straightforward title suits the poem. The abcb rhyming scheme works well for what you have here. I don't see any grammatical or spelling errors, other than that additional punctuation could be added at the ends of many of the lines (although that isn't really necessary in a poem of this style).

You have described a cute image of a cat really well. It is a bit too simple to evoke any real emotions or contemplation, but it is a relaxing read, with good imagery.

I hope that you found it as pleasant to write as I found it as pleasant to read.


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4
4
Review of Salute!  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Steve!

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


Although a bit short, this serves as a nice little tribute to the troops and the struggles they face.

While short and concise, it manages to get its point across nicely. It is respectful and shows genuine caring for those who are willing to give their time and even their lives for their countries. The rhyming scheme is pleasant, and gives the whole thing a nice flow. The spelling, punctuation, and grammar all appears to be accurate.

The poem could, however, use a little bit of work. It might benefit from having a bit more length to it. Even one extra stanza would give it a bit more meat. It could use maybe a bit more of a personal touch, something that expresses a bit more emotion. "Obstacles" and "spectacles" feels a little bit forced as a rhyme. The line "Because of the unpredictability of warfare, it's hard" feels overly lengthy and sort of clunky. I think the main issue is that the line feels almost a bit too clinical for the poem.

Overall, this was a nice read that served as a good tribute to the troops. With a little bit of extra editing it could be even better. I look forward to reading more of your work here on WDC.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

House Martell image for G.o.T.

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


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5
5
Review of One American  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Crissy!

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


This was a nice little poem, and served as a good little tribute to those who have served.

The writing here appears to be all technically accurate. I don't see any issues with grammar or spelling. The rhyming scheme works well throughout the poem, and your rhymes don't feel forced. The thanks given all seems sincere and genuine. The overall length of the poem is good, as are the lengths of the individual stanzas and lines.

The "Thank you for your service" at the end seems a little bit unnecessary, especially with all caps and multiple explanation points. The poem itself serves as thank you enough. I also thought that while the thanks was sincere, you didn't add much of a personal touch to it. This poem could have been written by anyone, yet you express in the description that you have loved ones who have served in the past and present. As sincere as the poem is, it could be bettered by adding a more personal, emotional touch.

Overall this was a really nice poem. It does serve as a genuine thanks to those who have served, but I definitely think you could have made it more personal. Poetry like this should always have that personal touch.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

House Martell image for G.o.T.

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


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6
6
Review of Sacrifices  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi HuntersMoon!

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


This is a really beautiful tribute to an aging veteran. I think you captured all of this really well, and it was a pleasure to read this poem.

The language used here is incredibly evocative, and I could picture the scene as you described. The form here works really well. It's a good length for the imagery and emotion you've presented. The rhyming scheme here works really well within the poem, and it doesn't feel forced at all. The seventh stanza was my favourite; I thought the language used here was the strongest emotionally, where the others created more mental images than feelings.

I don't really have any points for improvement here, as the poem is really well done. I hope it did well in the contest it was for. My only point for consideration would be the title. While sacrifice was certainly a point within the poem, it didn't feel like a focus of it, and a different title might be more suitable.

Overall, this was a really well done poem. As the daughter of a veteran, I certainly felt you did justice to those who served in the military. The writing and content are both top notch. I look forward to reading more of your work here on WDC.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

House Martell image for G.o.T.

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Rhyssa!

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


I don't have diabetes, but I do have some serious health problems myself, and this really struck a chord with me.

The emotion here is really well expressed, and the language used drives it all home. I'm especially fond of the repetition in the seventh stanza. The expression of medical fears as a luxury really hit home for me. The feelings of longing to escape the inescapable, of wanting to be able to keep your illness to yourself, of wanting to to just have the simplest of things, your health, is really well expressed here, and I related to a lot of it.

The title could probably use some altering. Even something as subtle as simply shortening it to "Tired of Blood" might make it a bit more concise and pack more of a punch. The overall form could stand to undergo some mild alterations to make it flow a bit more smoothly, for example, altering some of the lines that are overly short or long without adding any additional impact.

I thought this was overall a really good poem, that I found easy to relate to. It gave me something to think about, and I like that. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

House Martell image for G.o.T.

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of The Solemn Vow  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi April!

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


I adore this poem. I have a special place in my heart for historically based poetry, as both a lover of history and a lover of poetry, so this really hooked me in from the start.

I really enjoy your use of iambic tetrameter, which made for a really good flow, and matched the poem's subject matter and setting quite nicely. The rhyming scheme was well done, and none of the rhymes felt forced. The overall form just felt really natural. I enjoyed the historical setting, the accompanying image of plague masks, and that it was specifically dated to a particular plague. The language used suited the poem's style and subject. The twist ending resurrection was well done.

There isn't much room for criticism here, as the entire thing was well done. The description of the poem could have hinted a little more to the contents (plague) to draw the audience in, or perhaps the title could have. The image caught my attention more than either the title or description did.

Overall, I basically liked everything about this. The form and narrative work together to perfection. The tone and style suited everything wonderfully. I look forward to seeing more of your poetry around WDC.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

House Martell image for G.o.T.

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of I Remember You  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Miashay, and welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy yourself here.

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


This is a really lovely, touching little poem. I recently had a death in the family, and I relate to this a lot. It makes me think of my own recent experiences.

The emotion here is expressed very well. It made my heart ache to read, which is definitely a good thing here. The repetition used helps with the flow, and makes for a more powerful read. It's easy to feel similar thoughts going through your mind over and over when you lose someone, and this is expressed very well here. The juxtaposing of loss and remembrance is played out beautifully.

As far as the actual form of the poetry here, it's really good for the most part. The only critique I can offer is that syllable count might be something worth paying attention to. Some of the lines vary drastically in length, which makes them feel a little bit off when read aloud. Shortening some of the lengthier lines in particular might help them read a little more smoothly. The shortest lines work well as is, as they pack a big emotional punch in small bites.

Overall this was a really heart wrenching poem that touched me in particular because I relate to it so strongly. These emotions are what poetry is for. I hope to see more of your work here at WDC.

Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

House Martell image for G.o.T.

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Joy of Florent

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!


The "Lady's Slipper" orchid is incredibly beautiful, and your sweet little sedoka has paid lovely tribute to an equally lovely flower.

I appreciated that you included an explanation of a sedoka for those who might not be familiar with the form--the best way to learn a new form is, after all, to see it in action. I enjoy your use of language here a lot. "White light," "solitude," "refuge," "champagne," "bubbles," "bewitched" are all words that create the particular imagery of a love poem written to a small piece of nature, serving as a concise but beautiful ode to nature and to beauty itself.

There aren't many points for improvement that I might suggest. The poem might read better if each line stood more on its own, rather than trailing from one line to the next, but this is simply a matter of preference on my part. I think aesthetically a different word than "chanting" might be better used. In the same line as "champagne" I felt as though I should be reading the "ch" sound the same way between the two words, although this is not the case. This line might read a little more naturally if the sounds didn't seem as if they ought to match--a word like "singing" or "hymnal" might serve the same purpose, and with the same number of syllables, but without the the same mental stumbling block.

Overall, this is a really strong, lovely poem. Any critiquing of it feels more like nitpicking. It certainly makes me curious about your more recent works. I look forward to seeing more of your writing.


Lady Elizabeth~House Martell

House Martell image for G.o.T.

Game of Thrones  [13+]
Will return one day ~ until then ~ Thank you all who've participated!
by Gaby


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of A GRUESOME CHASE  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Alexandra, and happy account anniversary!

I have a special fondness in my heart for narrative poems, and a special fondness in my heart for all things historical, so I'm really glad that I stumbled across your poem. It definitely makes me curious as to what contest inspired such a piece.

The poem flows quite nicely. The two rhyming couplet stanzas work quite nicely, especially to convey a story in a straightforward but poetic manner. The specific historical facts included give the poem extra life, and don't feel unnatural or unnecessary at any point. I am impressed that you managed to rhyme paragon and Aragon; I thought that was a really creative rhyme that fit the poem perfectly. The punctuation, grammar, and spelling all appears to be accurate, which I think is important for a narrative poem.

The line "The frustrated King looked for another.j" appears to have an added "j" that needs to be removed from the end of it. The two weakest rhymes are "fears" rhyming with itself, and "letter" and "vendetta" which don't quite rhyme. If these two spots were updated with some slight rewording to improve the rhymes, it might read a little better. It's also worth noting that perhaps instead of "other" as a genre, you could put "history."

Overall, this was an absolute delight to read, and I'm glad I came across this. I hope you continue to share poems like this here on WDC.

Elizabeth

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12
12
Review of Anchor  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello D.R.N., and welcome to WDC! I hope you find yourself liking it here.

Anchor serves quite nicely as a straightforward brokenhearted poem. I really enjoy the sea analogy, as I think that the sea is an accurate thing to compare just about any sort of love to. The formatting is easy on the eyes, and suits the style of the poem. I appreciated how you used the opening line of each stanza to build up a rhythm (a steady rhythm that almost reminds me of the ebb and flow of waves crashing against the shore). You have captured the desolate feeling of a loved one leaving us for another quite well.

Some specific things to consider as notes for improvement would be two specific word choices. "Unseemly" seems to fit really poorly with the context of the stanza, and I am wondering if you perhaps meant "seamlessly." Although the two words are similar in appearance, they have very different meanings. "Amongst the stars" also seems a little bit off, and I am wondering if you meant something more along the lines of "Beneath the stars" since the poem has its focus on the ocean rather than the sky.

As a whole, this is a really lovely poem, and a good start to your time here at WDC. I hope you decide to stay and share more of your poems with us.

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13
13
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I have given this a thorough read through, as you have requested, and compiled my thoughts for you. I apologise for taking a few days after your request, I wanted to be sure I could be as helpful as possible, so I took more time than usual. I've tried to provide as much feedback as I can. Take it or leave it as you see fit. I hope some of it is helpful to you.

First and foremost, I would like to note that it appears you have labelled your intro as being "non-E". This means that the little blurb about it ("Years of hiding are ruined when Branston is found by his pursuers, and a questionable ally") is not suitable for all audiences. It is! The story may be 13+ (which seems fitting), but the intro is E. If you rate it non-E, it can effect where it is listed around the site and decrease the number of people who see it. As WDC says: "A Non-E rated intro is not suitable for everyone of any age. There may be references to sex, drugs, alcohol, violence, cursing, derogatory names or any combination thereof. These titles are displayed for all members who have their rating preferences set to also include GC and above." The intro rating only applies to the intro. I noticed that you're new to WDC (welcome, btw!), so I thought you might not be aware of this. If you update the intro rating, your work should be seen by more people.

I would like to say that the story is really intriguing to start off with. I see that you have other chapters here on WDC, and I have bookmarked them to be read and reviewed as well, as I'm curious to see where this is going. The story is exciting, easily understood, and leaves just enough obscured to keep me wanting more. It definitely has me interested in the story you want to tell so far. At this point, it definitely seems that the story is the strong point, and it's the technical aspects that need a bit more refining. I enjoy your dialogue, which seems natural, and gives me more insight on the characters I am reading about.

I do have one small detail to nitpick. An arrow, even without an arrowhead, would likely still have punctured skin, especially the shot to the back of the knee. The arrow would be underweight, so it would fly faster. It would also likely not be good for the bow due to the weight difference. An archer who is so apparently talented would (a) know that he would likely do leg damage, possibly long term, and (b) would not want to risk any unnecessary strain on what appears to be the only bow he's carrying. If he had something to throw, that might be more realistically effective without doing permanent/long-lasting damage to Branston's knee. I did see that he felt the pain after, but it didn't prevent him from standing, crouching, or running, and it seems likely that it would.

On to spelling, grammar, and word choice. For the most part, everything you have to say is easily understood, even when there are small errors. You mainly need to work on refining and polishing at this point for chapter one. I have broken down the small errors I noticed into points, that way they can be read a bit more easily.
-In the very beginning you have used the word "clopped." While this is a perfectly fine word, it indicates a certain sound that likely wouldn't be prominent on a snow covered path.
-"His started, he heard the snow behind him crunching, and he let go of his bow to grab the knife that hung from his belt." I think you meant to say "He started" at the beginning of this sentence, but I'm not certain.
-Of the first six paragraphs, four of them start with he/his. It might read a bit more nicely if you played with your sentences to change this up.
-"Branston spoke, careful not to knick his throat on the blade, "Krassos sent you."" The second comma here should be a period, and the proper spelling in this instance is "nick" rather than "knick."
-"The third man yanked off Branston's gloves and his squinty eyes widened. "Yes, sir. This's him."" There should be a comma after "gloves." "Squinty" is perhaps not a good choice of word here, as it's not really a proper word. "His squinted eyes widened" might be a more appropriate word choice here.
-"The man behind Branston slammed into him and fell backwards dragging Branston down with him." This sentence should have a comma before the and.
-The paragraph that starts with "Branston's heard only the wind at first," should be corrected to reflect that "Branston heard" the sound, rather than "Branston's heard."
-"The rider wore a tall steel helmet that hid his face, but he had a crossbow aimed at Faldasir, and he was drawing closer and closer..." Here you've put Faldasir instead of Faldashir.
-In the fourth from last paragraph you've said the horse is "screaching;" the proper spelling here is "screeching."

Overall, this is a really enjoyable story that just needs to go through a more careful editing process a couple times. Don't take this as bad news, it means you have a great start. I've given you a 3.5 star rating, but I'd be happy to come back and give it a higher rating if you let me know when the minor errors have been corrected.

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14
14
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC!

As a whole, this is a pleasant little piece of poetry. Your layout is really well done, although I admit to having a preference for four line stanzas, especially with an abcb rhyming scheme. Your words seem to be well chosen, so the work flows with a pretty use of language. The poem does feel perhaps a bit saccharine, but I personally don't feel that really hurts it. I am wholeheartedly of the opinion that sometimes poems should indeed be saccharine. It really does evoke the most happy thoughts of love, and I definitely needed that at the moment.

The title may need a bit of work, as right now it feels a bit wordy, as well as not fully evocative of the emotion that the poem itself conveys. The second stanza has an unnecessary apostrophe after "whose" which could be removed without being replaced. The third line of the second stanza starts out with "is" which doesn't really fit the grammatical structure. The previous line ends with a period, so the line might read better as "It's shaded by some old oak trees" instead. The fourth line of the third stanza could also stand to have a slight change of wording, due to some slightly off grammar. "And take in that is new" might read better as "And take in that which is new" or "And take in what is new."

This is a really lovely, pleasant little poem overall, and I hope to see more work from you! I definitely love opening WDC to such lovely love poems.

*Leafo*This review is a gift to you from "disABILITY WRITERS GROUP*Leafo*


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15
15
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Leafo*This review is a gift to you from "disABILITY WRITERS GROUP*Leafo*


This is a pretty little poem, and definitely worth the moment it took me to read it. I do have a soft spot for love poems, and this one is absolutely lovely. It does get a bit trite in places, but sometimes feelings can be a bit trite.

My favourite line was "A spirit that guides me through life’s hardships." It's well worded, and I personally relate to it from the perspective of my own relationship. The final verse definitely feels like the strong point of the whole poem. Other than maybe the use of the word "devour." Devouring someone's mind, body, and soul sounds almost more violent than affectionate.

Some of the punctuation here could definitely use some work. The ellipses don't really seem necessary at any point throughout the poem. The semi-colon in the second verse also seems unnecessary, and the exclamation point at the end of the verse seems to add to the triteness.

The second verse overall is the main weak point of the poem. Besides the punctuation, you also use "united" and "enduring." It might read better if it were changed to united/endured or uniting/enduring.

As a whole, this is a really nice love poem that I enjoyed. It could use some work, but it's definitely more good than bad.

Keep on writing!


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16
16
Review of Smoke Break  
Review by Elizabeth
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First of all, welcome to Writing.com! I hope you enjoy your time here.

This was a really promising piece of work, that I definitely enjoyed. Good job at adapting something from real life into a quality story. It can also be very difficult to write a story that is almost primarily dialogue, and you have done a really good job here of making it clear who is talking, and what they are talking about. You might be interested in the dialogue only contest "The Dialogue 500. I think that perhaps this story may have benefited from additional narrative. Take this with a grain of salt, as it is likely more personal preference than anything. As enjoyable as the story was with almost only dialogue, I feel like additional descriptors throughout may have benefited the flow and imagery.

The story itself is an interesting one. The dynamic between the two friends plays out really well here, and it makes the conversation feel very natural. I could definitely imagine such a conversation taking place in real life.

Any grammatical "errors" I noticed are in relation to the way people really talk, rather than actual flaws in the writing. It's always a good thing when you can make the dialogue feel real in that way. In the bit "Then stomping it out one of them said" there should be commas around "stomping it out." It should read "Then, stomping it out, one of them said" since the sentence can stand alone without "stomping it out", making it more parenthetical.

As a whole, this was a really good piece. The style, story, and writing were all enjoyable. I hope that you'll stick around.

Keep on writing!

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17
17
Review by Elizabeth
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


I think this is fairly well written. You brought the elegant poetry out in a topic that can be both not poetic at all, or overly poetic to the point of being trite. The word choice is fitting, and all of the grammar and spelling appears to be accurate.

It's a bit short for my taste, but that is clearly a matter of taste and not specific to the quality. The lines feel a bit choppy, and I have a hard time reading this aloud. I think it's due to the brevity of some of the individual lines; I felt the brevity was a bit overused, and potentially caused the shorter lines to lose their punch. It also may read better if broken into two separate verses rather than one.

Overall, this was an enjoyable poem, and most of my notes for improvement are likely more of a reflection of personal opinion rather than actual flaws.


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18
18
Review of Me to Myself  
Review by Elizabeth
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


This is a really nice poem about moving on from teen love. I think it's an important message to share with yourself and with others, so thank you. Writing poetry in particular can feel incredibly therapeutic, and it seems like this was the case with this one.

A couple of notes for improvement:
"then this one now" should actually use "than" rather than "then".
"another fish in the sea" has become a bit of a tired cliche, and the poem might read better if you used a more unique way to share that there is someone else out there for you.

Overall, this poem is a really nice expression of feeling and self-encouragement that I appreciate a lot. It could use a little work, but it's a great start. I see that it's an old poem, as this is an anniversary review, so I hope you'll come back and show us everything you've learned since then. :)


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19
19
Review of The Stars Above  
Review by Elizabeth
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


This is a very sweet love poem. It is straight and to the point, which is well used here. I have a particular fondness for rhyming poetry, so I am naturally biased in that regard; however, I feel it was well done here, and the rhyming doesn't feel forced. The grammar and spelling appears to be on point.

As far as points to work on go, I would definitely recommend working on metaphors and similes that are less cliche. While I am a firm believer that a well placed cliche can make something more enjoyable, it felt overused here. I would have loved to see some comparisons that were a bit less common.

Overall this is a sweet and lovely poem that would benefit from some extra work on comparative phrases. I see that it's an old poem so I hope that you'll return to show off what you've learned since then. :)


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20
20
Review by Elizabeth
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Thank you for sharing this. I have a special appreciation for writing that demonstrates the struggles of veterans and the homeless. I have family who are veterans, as well as family that work with the homeless, so it is a bit personal for me as a reader. I feel like you captured the helplessness of both situations very well. I really appreciated that you depicted someone in the process of healing from those internal wounds, as I do feel like the stigma of PTSD comes with the stereotype of being that way forever. I feel like from the place of internal struggle, the writing here is very easy to relate to and understand. I appreciated the attention to the Rwandan Civil War as well, which doesn't seem to get much attention in writing.

I see that this is labeled as a draft, so I assume that this work is thus far relatively unpolished. With that in mind, I would note some of the things I was less fond of. The actual message and story that this piece of writing has is of definite quality, but it requires a bit of editing at this point. Most of the spelling and grammar seems to be on point, although I did notice that adrenaline was spelled without an e at the end. I see a fair few sentences that appear to be run-on sentences throughout most of the work. I feel like you could overall benefit by adding additional punctuation throughout, including commas, semi-colons, and periods.

As an example:
Though they have fought in a very different war to me I know they struggle with the exact same problem; the guilt of mindlessly killing so many people because it's kill or be killed but then after, you remember what was whipped out by the adrenalin-they're still people even if they're bad people, but every time you serve you see all the people they have killed unlike you they killed the innocent.

A sentence can begin to feel bulky and awkward when it takes up several lines. I would recommend attempting to read the writing out loud with the punctuation you have in place. It will likely require re-wording some of it to make it grammatically correct in the context of shorter sentences, but it would likely be easier to read.

I wasn't particularly fond of the spoken dialog. It is technically all correct; however it does feel a bit stilted. Most twelve year old children, particularly a likely uneducated homeless child, don't speak this way. I felt that the man's manner of speaking was more like a written speech than how a man would actually sound talking to a homeless child.

One final note in terms of possible things to consider during revision: "a middle aged man sitting next to maybe a...12 year girl does look creepy." Ellipses can be a bit overused, and outside of spoken dialog can feel a bit misplaced. A possible rewording could be something like: "a middle aged man sitting next to a girl of maybe twelve years does look creepy."

I genuinely really liked the story you had to tell, and I think that these types of stories can be very important to get out there. I would definitely be interested in re-reading the story in its more final stages.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The Journey  
Review by Elizabeth
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a lovely poem. You have used beautiful language. This is a really excellent example of a poem depicting a beautiful relationship with God. I don't normally read much in the way of spiritual poetry or prose, but this makes me rethink that decision. Right away it starts with pretty language--intoxication and shimmering spirits. Content and language is very well done over all.

That said, I do have a couple of points to make in terms of constructive criticism. First off, the punctuation could use some slight alteration. Not every line needs to end in a comma. There are some points where a period or exclamation point might be more appropriate, and provide your poem with better emphasis. Secondly, I'm not sure about the rhyming. There are points where it seems like you are trying to make this a rhyming poem, and points where it does not seem like that. It starts and finishes with a rhyming scheme, but it drops out in the middle a bit. It doesn't seem like there is any real pattern at all to the rhyming scheme. Take this with a grain of salt, but this seems like something that may be better if the rhyming is either dropped altogether or altered to provide more of a rhythm.

Thanks for sharing your lovely poem. :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Truth time  
Review by Elizabeth
Rated: E | (3.5)
This seems to be something where you've made a rather important personal realisation, and that's always a good thing. I hope that it serves you well. Writing is a great outlet for all of the things in our lives, and it's always a bonus when we can share those things and potentially affect someone else in some way. It's also important to feel comfortable with who we feel we are, and the things we have experienced, and this came off as someone who is working on that.

I do have a couple of things that I wanted to suggest that might serve you well in either fiction writing or non-fiction writing. First off, I'd suggest not using all capital letters when writing. When you want to emphasise your writing, you are better off using italics or changing up your language so that the words themselves are more emphatic. It's one of those things where it just looks neater and more professional. Secondly, you are using a hyphen in place of an em dash. An em dash is one of these: —. It probably seems like a trivial difference but they really are different things. You should be able to use it in most word processors as well as just copy and paste it from google. Thirdly, I noticed that you use a lot of ellipses (five separate uses in this short piece). It's another of those things where if you use it less, the writing looks neater and more professional.

I hope that you keep writing. The more you write, the closer you will get to your own niche!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Elizabeth
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is pretty good considering you wrote it while so young. I appreciate seeing the trigger warning at the top too, even though it isn't something I needed, it's just nice to see that people care enough to warn people.

The poetry of the language was lovely, in my opinion. It was almost too poetic, and there were times I wished this had been a poem instead, but it was still lovely. There were a number of spelling errors that I personally found distracting: cheers, forbidden, disgusting, divine, furniture, their (at "they're senses"). "I get serve depression and a stress disorder" needs to be reworded as it's a bit choppy. "I tried to commit suicide, to escape, but fail" uses both past and present tense and should be changed to try and fail or tried and failed. "A dream of dream" should probably be "a dream of a dream."

The content of this is very dark and sad, but well portrayed. I personally appreciate writing that talks about suicide, attempted suicide, and depression, as it reduces the stigma of it.

You show a lot of promise and I hope to see you continue writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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