An uplifting devotional that comes from the heart.
After a promising literal opening, the narrative descends into metaphor, with all the usual cliches of a Victorian hymn. But really, how else can you talk about a spiritual presence? That's the trap. But all these metaphors make it difficult for the reader to grasp the reality of the experience.
Perhaps, take a cue from the opening lines, and show those aspects of reality that remind you of a divine presence - that would give the poem some imagery (instead of concepts) that the reader might more easily relate to.
The writing is fine, with a nice pace and invisible rhymes - really good job there!
The ending, though rather abstract is interesting. What is the 'hope' here?
Overall, a sincere and joyful piece, that makes for a pleasant read.
I was drawn in by the title here (honestly) and I think it is a really creative topic for a poem.
My first thought was - who is conducting the funeral? - but perhaps it is a metaphor for the earth reclaiming the dead?
This leads to a little confusion on who the narrator is - firstly remote, then one of the humans (which seems strange after the funeral) - and some verses seem to be narrated by the earth. This needs clarification.
For me, the poem is overlong with too many verses basically repeating the same idea. A lot of them can be cut from the poem to give something punchier.
As I see it, the overall message seems to be wide of the mark - that the humans and the earth loved each other - and that the earth laments our passing. I would think that the earth and all other life on earth would breathe a sigh of relief!
Very brave to go with a tight rhyming scheme, and here and there the rhymes seemed forced and you need to be more creative with the language. Taking the first verse-
Little over a month has passed,- This is a boring and passive opening, and needs some poetry...as the seasons pass?
The Earth laments humanity's final act - a bit clunky - earth laments our final act
And offers its own flowers, sad and sparse - great line
Where footsteps once trod, now there's only lack. - an obvious forced rhyme - be creative with the language - where footfalls trod and never came back?
For more impact, I would reduce the poem to two verses-
Little over a month has passed,
The Earth laments humanity's final act
And offers its own flowers, sad and sparse
Where footsteps once trod, now there's only lack.
Goodbye, our home, we gave our all
Every feeling we felt, belonged to thee
Even in death, you have a place for all
Your embrace a refuge, for eternity.
A nice idea for a poem - joviality giving way to grim reality perhaps.
For me, 'laughter' is too wide a concept to be specified as the last resort of the 'desperate' - nor does it fit well with the abstract idea of 'hope'.
Indeed, I would drop the idea of laughter all together - for a more succinct and focused poem - and the last lines can be dropped by emphasising the wind in the main narrative. Of course, the poem would need retitling.
Dropping laughter and swapping around the abstractions of hope and experience might relate something more insightful, perhaps?
Hope
is the dance
of the last wind-blown leaves
clinging to the rotting tree of
experience
First of all, I'm not a fan of authors explaining their poem in the intro - all that stuff should be in the poem - in this case just the title, rename 'the undergraduate'?
I really like the opening couplet - nice to recite and surprising.
Why does the narrator need to 'slow up time'?
But I’d surely have one by now. - for me, 'But surely I'd have one by now.'- for the drama...
'Then a revelation touched my mind,' - revelation is too abstract for the reader to grasp here - what does it actually mean? - be real, or make something up...
To take the reins myself, - who else has 'the reins'?
The future is mine for the taking. - a bit of a cliché for the ending.
Overall, an uplifting poem I enjoyed reading that goes from doubt to hope - but the journey needs a little smoothing out.
just my thoughts................Emlyn
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