I love the pastoral feel to this. Wish I would've written it. Wish I could be sharing a cup of coffee with you, experiencing it!
Poetics: 'but with feel' doesn't make sense. Is it a typo? Making the line 'with the feeling that' would make sense but -ing words are weak. Another way would be to delete and reduce it to:
'but around the edges
the heat is just, barely,
held at bay...'
Love the line:
'the heat of the day layers in'
The ending is great.
This poem is a gentle ramble and suitable as an aubade or morning poem when the eyes are barely open and the body less-than-willing. For me, you have captured the moment exquisitely.
I'm glad you write about this topic. Letchworth is a beautiful spot. I know it well. May I suggest a companion poem about the vultures soaring BELOW the observer at the canyon's edge at the Castile entrance, the salamanders by Upper Falls, the woodchucks and deer grazing, the bridge below Lower Falls?
The poem's idea is great and your rhyme scheme of xaa, xbb, ... works. The meter wobbles around lines of 8-10, and that's okay, but the rhythm isn't consistent. There is no musicality and 'music' would enhance the poem. Looking at your choice or lack of unstressed articles, possessives and prepositions could help in establishing a better rhythm.
The line:
'His name is Timber Rattler, so beware;'
needs to be rethought. Consider a stronger imperative: 'Beware! His Highness Timber Rattler roams'
The line 'A distasteful creature God has made,' seems to confuse your message.
This poem is only hours/days old, so great start for what will be a very good poem with time and some editing.
Thanks for the great read. I hope you return to Letchworth soon (October leaves?). Kåre.
Title? Why not just "Ridinghood"? And then take out that line. (#4)
There are too many 'I', 'I am'. Most can be eliminated without detracting from the poem or confusing the reader. For me, the constant repetition weakens your point. Same for the phrase 'choose between the two'; I'd take it out.
Phrases like 'between the swaddling and the shroud'
and 'the Madonna and the whore/I stitch a prayer into each lace' are wonderful.
I'm torn between the great idea and great lines and the not-so-great poetics. It is definately a keeper that needs some editing to become great. Thanks for the read, Kåre.
I think this is clearly stated. It helps to understand the reviewer, which in turn helps understand the review received. When I'm here longer, I need to do a similar essay to help people understand how I rate them. Because I write poetry my approach would be different, but I certainly appreciate yours.
Poetry? I don't think so, unless you are saying it is a prose-poem. Poetry uses certain aspects of language: alliteration, meter, rhyme, rhythm, repetition. It reads as prose.
That said, I still think it is great. Each time you mention 'he is coming this way' there is an ebb and flow of emotion. The expectation builds. When you finally get there and the reader is enveloped by this great warmth and love that is the 'expected' ending you let it fade away with that last line that makes this work stand above many I have read.
As for language: a bit wordy, could use some stronger words. 'beautiful angels' is deathly cliché. Think about replacing any weak word that repeats, use other ways of expressing the same idea. For instance you say 'light', 'speck of white', 'glow'; this is good.
No poem or prose should have words like 'angel' and 'love' mentioned more than once! Use concrete images like you do with 'comet'. Avoid adverbs, they weaken. Look at all adjectives with suspicion. "Verbs and nouns are worth 5 dollars; adverbs and adjectives a quarter".
Look at all your uses of the verb "be". It is the weakest of verbs equivalent to an equal sign. Poetically worthless. Can't be avoided but consider the line "there was a warm feeling in my heart" very bland and cliché. By contrast, "a warm feeling split my spleen" would show action and be interesting, if somewhat odd .
Best of luck with this one. It is still very new at this site, so give it time, listen to the reviews and after a few more, edit.
The refrain is wonderful! I've written elegies, so I understand the need to evoke emotion by 'show' not 'tell'. Your narrative voice is clear and although it 'tells' a story, the refrain is always there to evoke the emotion.
Poetically, I don't think the syntax of 'want not' and 'heard not' work; they feel awkward. In the second laast stanza I may have found a typo. Did you mean 'you'd' instead of 'you'll'? The stanzas are 3/R/4/R/3/R/3/R and I'd suggest looking at the 4 stanzas to consider whether they can be consolidated to 3 to keep a rhythm going.
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