|What a review on the plot of your story? Well, here we go:
"and Angela fighting for her life."
This is the line that made me interested in the story. You've raised the stakes so suddenly; well done.
"I have put in hours of research, use my personal experience, and spoken with cancer surviours to make this as believable as possible."
Then I'm sure this is going to be an awesome story! Okay, on to chapter 1...
I like your little prologue! It's so original .
"It wasn’t even because she wore a white surgical mask for some reason."
Wow that is special! This draws me further into the story, because I know there's something wrong with this girl. Good work.
"Even though I was just a kid, I could understand she was very sad inside.
I wanted to be her friend right away."
This caused me to like Marissa as a character, because she seems to be very nice . When your characters are liked, the readers will enjoy the story more. So good work .
"I scowled at her when she wasn’t looking.
Stupid fat cow. I thought to myself."
Wow, sounds like a rough relationship . It was smart of you to add these bits in; it's slightly humourous and makes the character realistic.
"I wanted to stop them.
Really I did.
But I wasn’t strong enough yet to betray my own group."
With this, the tensions are raised. As a reader, this scene made me very pumped up (which is a good thing)! I was like "come on Marissa, do something"!
"I was weak."
You were . But I might not have dared to stop them either, if I was in her situation...
I shouted, standing up at my now empty table."
Yeah you go girl! Finally.
"Her eyes were filled with tears. It made me angrier and therefore stronger."
You've shown the emotions of the characters well. It made me sympathise for Angela .
" I had done nothing to help her. She probably hated me more than Erin and Nicole.
I hated this.
I’d wanted to be her friend in the first place.
I hadn’t wanted this. It made me want to cry too."
Hey, don't you think it'll be even more interesting if Angela knew and did not trust Marissa, then Marissa has to stand up for her later to prove that she wasn't like the rest of them? I think it'll force the readers to go on, because they want to see how Marissa will prove that she's different... I don't know, just a thought!
"Erin and Nicole probably would make fun of me if they saw me like this."
Ahhh, who cares about those slack girls !!
A girl almost not of this world."
That was a great way to end the scene!
"even could sense what people were feeling by the colour of the aura around their heads."
Ok, that's just awesome .
"She was secretive, but also very kind."
She sure is, which is good, because readers will read on, waiting for Angela's secret to be revealed.
"It was so strange to me that I almost pulled away."
Don't pull away girl . Wow we're reaching the climax here - something's really wrong with Angela; let's find out what so we can help, or at least, watch Marissa help .
" I had only just turned twelve, and was still small and skinny. But she was starting to grow up, and the boys were noticing her."
Hmmm... maybe you can make Marissa become a little bit jealous later in the story? It may be natural to feel a little envious. This could make the story more intruiging . Personal opinion! Marissa seems to be an understanding person though, so jealousy might be out of her character?
"My mother had won custody over me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of living alone with that cold, uncaring woman."
You're introducing the problems to this story very well! May God be with you Marissa .
"never leaving my side, even when the bell rung."
Now here's a true friend .
" But all that was about to change."
Oh man, is Angela going to be sick again?
You're doing well so far! The main characters - Marissa and Angela - are so lovable. It's important for readers to become attached to the characters, and you've achieved this from chapter one - impressive!
You've introduced the potential problems in the plot to draw readers into the story - Marissa's Mum, Angela's sickness, The Very Bad Girls... this makes me want to read on.
I would go through the gramma issues with you, but you wanted me to focus on the story yeah? Well I say, your story is going extremely well .