Oh my goodness I absolutely loved this! The dialog was really fun, and it moved along well. I had my suspicions that something was going to be different, but I had to keep reading for it to be revealed which I also liked 😊
The bit that then topped it off for me was the end where it kind of left me hanging a little.
I wondered if one of the commas in lines 5 and 7 could be changed to full stops? It seems small but it might just read a little easier.
Kia ora e hoa. Well that was an interesting tale to say the least! I was intrigued by the opening few lines about potentially hearing a guy tell the story of how he came to die and it certainly wasn't what I expected. Very 'out of the box'.
There are a few grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and some issues around the flow of sentences and ideas in the story which I think if tidied up would allow a reader to follow it a little easier.
Thanks for a very curious read!
Kia pai te tuhituhi - all the best with your writing.
Kia ora e hoa - hello my friend. I could relate to this poem having been a street performer at one time myself! I feel the emotion in it, trying to keep afloat but feeling a little aimless at times.
Did you write this as a song or as a spoken poem?
There's a bit of work that could be done in the rhyming rhythm if you're interested - a few too many syllables here, too few there etc.
I've written poetry myself where this didn't bother me, but I know some folk like it.
Really enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for posting!
Oh my goodness I related to this! Thank you sharing, I feel like you captured a feeling that lots of people have likely felt before.
I liked how you tied the the end to the beginning with a bit of contrast too.
Wow. This is amazing. So honest and straight forward, yet full of poetic turns and observations.
Without me being able to fully understand your feelings, you help me to understand the problem you faced and still face.
Writing is gift to help us share experiences I think, and you used that gift.
Just as a note, this would be physically easier to read if your ideas were separated into paragraphs. I think your message would get through even clearer too.
COuldn't resist checking out some of your work seeing as you've shown an interest in mine (thank you!). I love this - I looked it up after reading. The closest thing we have to this in New Zealand is the Toothbrush Fence, and the Jandal Fence 😂
I really liked the way you moved from informing about the place, to telling personal narrative and back again. That made it entertaining and informative!
Oh my goodness, what a ride! I'm thankful you survived. I wasn't sure if I was meant to laugh or not, but I felt the part about disaster following everywhere you had been had a bit of humour in behind it. Although, that isn't to say that any of the events were funny! Almost like black comedy.
"The Philippines is a very religious country, the people devout Catholics. I’ll admit I prayed that they would cancel the flight. I was sure I would never see my family again." - This was a nice touch I thought 😁 and then you reflected on it again at the end.
Thanks for posting - I enjoyed reading this harrowing tale of near misses!
Kia ora e hoa! Hello my firend, I'm new here and figured I'd read something from the newbie feed.
You took me on an intense journey in such a short time! That was amazing.
The dialog was so short, sharp and well done at the end too - nice one!
How did you like writing flash fiction?
If you're interested in some feedback, I thought perhaps the first sentence was a little long for something that should draw you in quickly seeing as it's a short piece.
Thanks again - loved it, and welcome from a newbie to a newbie. This place seems fantastic 😁
Kia ora e ho - hello my friend. This is awesome! I particularly enjoyed the alliteration throughout. It gave it quite a forceful and dramatic tone. I wonder if there's not a little more to be done punctuation-wise? Capital letters, semi-colons etc.
Is this a typical form of Norse poetry?
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