Very traditional styling of Haiku.
I know how hard that is to compose!
Introduction of the Sand Hill Crane at the end, is both the
nature element, and possibly the seasonal element
(as I think you allude to their migration).
The only correction that I would suggest is to replace
the three dot ellipsis with an M dash
(although it will still show up as two dashes in WdtC)
An ellipsis is usually a sign of incomplete thought, or missing words.
Traditional Haiku would need each line to stand alone,
although a cutting symbol is allowed such as M dash.
I say, intentional or not, the opening is much like Stanley meeting Doctor Livingston!
Good start.
I read on, and I like the dialog between the two cave 'people' (not sure if Stosha is female, but I noticed Hartha, also a two-syllable name is female)
Anyway the dialog does mirror your challenge for changing the mind of someone set in their ways.
You still have a few words left in which to mention the little twig and pine needle teepee needed to catch the sparks to start the fire!
p.s. you may like my "Zuk and Zob fable" in which some fur is destined to become a fashion statement, and the cave people use very modern esoteric vocab at times.
Not really Haiku.
This is more of free verse poetry.
Also, the reader has to mentally pause to sort "greyhound" is it a dog? oh, it's the bus.
This could be enhanced by adding "arriving" such as= That arriving greyhound...
To enhance the poetic feel, I suggest dropping "Because"
Using that word makes this explanatory, when what I think you are aiming for
is immersive, where the reader is encouraged to see life from your viewpoint.
Als drop PS. just stating "I was getting out of being homeless" then becomes
hope, affirmation, goal... whatever the readers' thoughts take them to.
I loved the last line!
BUSTED RIGHT THROUGH STEROTYPES.
OK, I copied, pasted to a word page and hit spell-check, grammar check.
results-
-they're- should be capped as it's the first word after the beginning quote mark.
pre-essembled should be- pre-assembled
suggested couple of be changed to- few
(but I think in dialogue lots of people say couple of)
My suggestion to show they DO know what a screwdriver is, sort of,
"So this manual says," Nick responded! "Wait, it has a plus sign on the tip, so it's one of those plussy-type screwdriver. What about a hammer?"
Anyway still a high mark as is (after the spelling corrections."
My late father-in-law was famous (perhaps infamous) for advising "save the instructions, they will tell you later where you went wrong"
This pic reminded me of that!
And you got a belly-laugh from me at "Jack Knives, the representative for Acme"
Well done.
The only suggestion I have is at the end. Instead of "reporting" shouldn't the
reporter interview Wiley for a one line complaint, but stating that he is replacing Acme Mfg with Home Depot as his supplier. Then (maybe Mr. Buzz Saw ?) the rep for Home Depot replies that Corp HQ is having second thoughts.
Seems to be from deep within.
I like this, but there are some formatting changes I suggest.
Paragraphs make it easier for the reader. It also sets aside what can be perceived as ranting, rather than soliloquy.
A person normally pauses as they reflect.
First paragraph I would suggest is after "... I'll have to deal with that."
Next would be after "... all I want is my time back."
You can see where normal paragraph breaks should be.
Writing is sometimes different than speaking, so reading aloud, I noted "path" used twice in the same sentence. I suggest the first be "pathway" as at that point you were finding your way, then later clearing it into a narrowfoot path.
(again a reader may read that as narrow foot, path = so perhaps make footpath one word.)
As written, this gets high marks, and remember
a critique is just another person's opinion, to take or leave at your discretion.
Foxtale
OK. I read through this and followed the dialog right on through, well done!
But than the last line....
what is it Stephen Colbert syas, all choked up?
"Come on, Ma'am, I'm trying to do comedy here!"
Tears welled up my dear!
OK my turn,
check out my "Polka Dots and Sunshine Teardrops"
A quiet, thought-provoking piece.
I do think there are some edits that will improve this piece.
First, spell check. = Rhythms is misspelled several times.
tense. You write Caleb finds. Then you switch to found.
(I think tense should stay "found" as this happened earlier in his quest for solitude.)
Also you wrote fjord, which I think you meant ford. Also how does that make the trail feel adventurous? (close your eyes, do you see these fords? Are they flat rocks staggered across the stream? Roughhewn planks? These details will make us see why the trail is "adventurous")
You wrote "everytime" (should be two words. Or you could change to "whenever" which is one word,
also makes it progressive, in that it implies he often goes.
For more poetic sound, third to last sentence change "a loud world" to "this loud world" so the reader is drawn in realizing Caleb's quest for a quiet place is this same world.
Last paragraph = use of "and" creates a run-on. Perhaps drop and, in favor of a period.
And do the rhythms "collide" or doe the mesh or meld?
Again, remember a critique is just another person's opinion.
As is, other than spelling, this is very good.
Great ending. I'm a sucker for O.Henry style twists.
a lot said in a veryshort piece.
High marks.
Couple of structural changes I'd try.
The hiker... causes us to form an immediate picture ourselves of the hiker.
A hiker... causes us to want you to fill in the details of the hiker.
next in the last line "paintings" is the plural, so it should be "there were no..."
and rather than "but" windows, try "just windows."
Well, that's not cricket! (smile) Excellent, true-life presentation.
Of note, having spent 30 years as a credit manager in the steel wholesale business,
I recommend that people look into their state's "mechanic lien law" (which applies to contractors and subcontractors, - 'mechanic' being Old English language for people who work with their hands)
So, to make sure that A) you get the job done properly, B) you don't get a lien filed by a SUPPLIER who didn't get paid by the General Contractor or any of the Subcontractors.
Many states specify the percentage of the job that a Contractor can request as a down payment (and rarely is it 10 percent!
After a Contracting company has presented the bills they paid for, a wise homeowner will request the Contractor obtain Unconditional Lien Releases from those entities BEFORE the homeowner makes the next progress payment.
The Law is the LAW and if those entities are not paid they can lien your property even though you paid the amount asked for by the Contractor. You WILL lose in court without those Unconditional Lien Releases.
So, the Contractor is your Brother-in-Law? That's ok, remind him, with a smile, that you are just following the law!
I found this informative.
The only recommendation is more line breaks to enhance the reading.
Of note, my brother had thought about this at the time of the hunt for "The Falcon and The Snowman"
He had to go to some of the launch sites to collect and replace the code-books. He thought of what a tremendous amount of pressure those young service men and women have during the drills when they don't know if it is a real attack, or one that the looked-up code will signal "this is just a drill."
Hi,
I like the story. I'm a sucker for the O.Henry endings (such as the mother's shout breaking into the too long reverie of her daughter!)
One note - In the narrative I think you need to change sentence 5 "At that moment she ...
change she to Nancy (this makes the sentence flow, without the momentary hiccup 'which she?')
Second paragraph also needs 'Nancy' got out of bed.
Several more spots. Too many time to just use she. Name, or "as a young girl, or exuberant girl, etc.b
Note specifically how much stronger "That was where Nancy wanted to be." is, than 'she'
Yes indeed. A complex world.
You have hit the nail on the head about the concern when man enters nature's domain.
I remember leading (from the middle per my training) a scout troop and several parents on a hike. As we stopped to rest, one of the adults removed his pack and lay back on a flat rock. Suddenly he says, there's got to be fifty arrows stuck up there in the treetop. We were in a no hunting zone, yet archers had hiked in and spent some time in some kind of billy-goat-gruff, who can shoot higher than me challenge. The father then said, ominously, arrows can be deadly silent killers!
Buzz-kill for that hike! But, hey, he was hiking with his child and protective instinct ran all the scenarios through his mind!
When we at last came upon the lake we were hiking to, we also had that "How Wonderful" moment!
My only suggestion would be to add "Gunshots!" or "Gun fire!" just before "There were hunters in the distance..."
Only one structural change suggested
"I closed my eyes... " the rest is all present tense stream of consciousness,
so shouldn't this be "I close my eyes.."
The only change I would suggest is the title, in order to bring the last line full circle.
Beliefs Do Tell
Now a political disclaimer. I was a credit manager in the steel wholesale business for thirty years. I had to protect my company from businesses like those set up by Donny Drumph.
No he did NOT ever file a bankruptcy, but companies and LLC's with his name often did. And it wasn't the banks that got screwed (they have paper on the property) it was usually the sub-contractors and suppliers left holding the bag.
Plaintive poem.
Some time back researchers tried to find when "Follow the Drinkin' Gourd" came about. They only got back as far as the 1920's. It was about that time that families were getting their own stories of the ante-bellum and civil war era published. It makes sense that the words would not have been put into a song in that era. How dumb do modern folks think masters and overseers wwere? It was far more likely it was a secret whisper to those wishing to escape. (Watch for th' drinkin' gourd (big dipper) it pour water on th' North star through every hour of the night.
So, I appreciated the dialect you put into the poem. An acknowledgement of the yearn for freedom by an enslaved human being, obviously during the slave years in the US.
For better readability, I think you should make stanzas separated by double line feed.
First would be after "... desperate man." Next "... be my end." and so on, about every eight lines
Good start.
I do see a mechanics problem.
You begin with narration 3rd person. Then in the middle you switch to first person.
I read it through changing back to third person, and that works,
I think you should keep it third person.
What was the word limit in the contest? You might change "some Megan Trainor song" to
...singing that Megan Trainor song 'Better when I'm Dancin' just not as good...
(something like that - there are some who would not connect the title or even know the song)
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