So, the story is about a Cat who developed an affection for a mouse, but things did not work out
because the cat too possessive, direct, over-bearing, jealous, etc. etc.
I really like the "idea" of the piece, if taken "Literally". Is it important that you are talking about an actual man and woman here? Like Sharespear's "Othello", you let others convince you
the mouse "unfaithful"; not a good beginning for a successful relationship, lol. "Suffocate" a good, telling word in the last verse. I think that is what happened to Shakespeare's Desdemona, right? You could turn this poem into something better, (remember, this is my opinion only) by working on the RHYTHM, placement of words. One way you can do it is by saying poem, out loud, to yourself , (when no one is around so they will not think you crazy) or by singing it.
I find my work improves if I sing it out loud. It doesn't "sound" right? Change the line! Hope I have inspired you to write more.
The skill is in knowing what to put in and what to leave out. It is, of course, a perfect
"slice-of-life" piece. Ready for publication. Heartfelt, yet not maudlin or overly sentimentalized. Which can get scary if it goes in that direction.
The 'connection' between one generation and the next is so often broken, lost or just plain ignored. Your piece is a great 'reminder' the those of us who care about family tradition and "links" with our past to maybe put grandma on a pedestal and make her talk into a microphone or better still, take her to McDonald's for a burger and bring with you a list of questions. You will be so sorry, later, if you do not!
An easy read. Made me think about something important in Life.
All I can say is your story "Works For Me!". I like your style, the way things flow, naturally. You have that ability to describe a scene in a most non confusing, realistic way and you are 'fun' to read. As a writer, I envy people like you who have that natural ability to just let things roll out onto the paper. I would wager you do not rework the heck out of a piece. Do you do a lot of editing? I would guess you do not! Jackie
James Thurber
"We'll try it," the professor said to me, grimly, ' with every adjustment of the microscope known to man. As God is my witness, I'll arrange this glass so that you see cells through it or I'll give up teaching. In twenty-two years of botany, I -' He cut off abruptly for he was beginning to quiver all over, like Lionel Barrymore, and he genuinely wished to hold onto his temper; his scenes with me had taken a great deal out of him.
So we tried it with every adjustment of the microscope known to man. With only one of them did I see anything but blackness or the familiar lacteal opacity, and that time I saw, to my pleasure and amazement, a variegated constellation of flecks, specks, and dots. These I hastily drew. The instructor, noting my activity, came back from an adjoining desk, a smile on his lips and his eyebrows high in hope. He looked at my cell drawing. "What's that?" he demanded, with a hint of a squeal in his voice. "That's what I saw, " I said. "You didn't, you didn't, you didn't!," he screamed, losing control of his temper instantly, and he bent over and squinted into the microscope. His head snapped up. "That's your eye!" he shouted. "You've fixed the lens so that it reflects! You've drawn your eye!"
I Thought this hilarious! Much funnier than the typical ho hum stuff above. (from MAIS Zoom-Microscope Quotations site/Mozilla-Firefox)
Well, think you've said a lot about Nothing;
If that was your goal, you were Successful.
Nothing is actually a good start
To becoming just about anything
So your Poem can now go blindly forward:
Leaving you open for a Grand Ending!
Your poem asks an important question. Why do men wage war and kill each other off? Why does man create a hell (instead of a heaven) on earth?
Your poem seems to imply that man may wage war because we are sheep (you use the image more than once of sheep, flocks, groups - not individual thinkers). Your rhyming is well done for the most part. I see places where you could probably improve the "sound" . For example: Verse 5: "Large chasms carved into the very hearth, the blackened and the battered once green earth." You might change "hearth" to "earth" in that first line. Then : "the blackened and the battered once green girth." ("girth" would suggest the surrounding belly of the earth. ) Of course, there is the Civil War image of all the blackened chimneys (hearth) the only thing left standing after Sherman's march through Georgia. So, if that is what you wanted the reader to think about, then your rhyme is more successful "hearth/earth" than my suggestion. You might think of changing your last line to "sow" which is what we do when we plant. I don't think you meant to use "sew"- an obvious typo.
Think more about your rhythm in this poem. Your second verse, first line sings. A regular Shakespearean iambic pentameter. (Listen to the beat): "But alas! We gullible sheep shall dance". (wonderful!) But the first line in your poem does not contain this music. How about changing it to: "Drums of war beat throughout the wasted land". All I did was change a couple of syllables there, right?
I think you have the beginnings of a very nice poem but it needs more work and by "more work", I mean paying closer attention to the rhythm and the imaging. Do you think you could come up with a better title for this poem?
Well, I read the entire piece without getting bored, so I would say you were successful.
Liked your "tongue-in-cheek"/ "back-to-the-future" humor. Is difficult to create character in so short a space but you did it! I have a vivid image of Rebekkah and Harlan. Think you went a little overboard on the italics for Harlan, the science fiction writer. The phrasing would look better on the page had you used only Harlan's direct quote in italics.
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