** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a Rising Star Member-to-Member Review of Cat  .
As you read the review below please remember: the opinions expressed here are my thoughts and suggestions only. I am not the final authority on any grammar or writing style. This is your work, you have the final say about which, if any, of my suggestions you choose to take. Use this review like a piece of gum: chew on it a bit to get the good stuff out, and spit out the rest.
Please email me if you have any questions or if you would like me to take another look after you have rewritten this work.
For a detailed explanation of my rating and reviewing philosophy, see Reviews, Ratings and Gift Points .
Plot: 5 pts.
Okay, this definately falls in the "this is too wierd" category. I liked the way the story unfolded, the bond Cy had with the cat and the "friendship" they developed. I definately didn't see the ending coming. (I like plot twists!)
Setting: 3 pts
I know this is the woods, it's cold, and secluded, but that's about it. Pine trees or maples? Mountains or ?? Could you drop a few more hints into the story line?
Characters: 4 pts.
This was a good story, but I felt rather disconnected from the narrator, like it wasn't mine to be in the story. Though, given his confusion, the distancing might help the story along?
Overall:
I was carried along wondering when the wild creature would go back to the wild. Then, bam! you ended it.
Aside from some rough reading (I'll explain below) I really enjoyed your story.
I'm giving you 4 stars for this imaginative story.
Below, I am copying parts of your story then adding my comments and suggestions. Remember: it is chewing gum!
 Comments (Wow! I like this./I’m really confused here.) will be in blue.
Critiques/suggestions (Have you tried. . ./Maybe reword like: . . .) will be in red. Grammar/spelling suggestions will be in green.
The dog’s teeth had not gone home before it had died itself. This sentence seems a bit awkward. Maybe: The dog died before its teeth hit their mark. ??
Overwhelmed myself with admiration I think "myself" needs to be set of in commas (it's there only for clarification) or maybe drop it from the sentence.
How the dog had missed its arteries or failed to crush its trachea with that death grip, (comma) I doubt I will ever understand; but though from the look of it the cat had lost much blood, it still lived. The last half of this sentence is reading rough. Maybe: the cat had lost much (a lot of?) blood, yet, still lived. I think I'm having trouble with "from the look of it" You have five dead (or nearly-dead) animals there. How can you tell whose blood is whose? They're all torn up, so it's obvious they've all lost a lot of blood. Making sense?
Not really expecting it to live, yet I boiled some water Reading rough - I think because you changed verb tenses: expeting. . . boiled "I didn't really expect it to live, yet.(Dropping "really" would make for a stronger sentence.)
If it lives until morning, I thought, I will take it to the local vet and see if she thinks it worthwhile to sew up. A cat such as this deserves a chance, I thought. 1)Generally, thoughts are set off in italics. 2) I think you only need to think once  .
What sort of idiocy is this, I asked myself as I was drowsing. Who takes a wildcat to bed with them and expects to wake up alive? Again, I'd set "your" thoughts off in italics.
In the morning, (comma) I was awakened by a rough tongue on my face which was nose to nose with the cat. Its eyes were open and clear and bored into my own as I opened them. I could not tear my eyes away. It seemed to be holding them by sheer force of its own will, boring into my mind, indeed into the soul I had never before been sure I had. Repeated word - bored/boring I'm sensing a lot of repeat in this picture. You're together in a sleeping bag, the cat's eyes boring into yours - of course you're nose-to-nose. I'd try rewriting this a couple times (Ask the cat what it was like, what she wanted?) and see if you can't tighten it up a bit.
Feelings came to me which nevertheless seemed not to be my own, and that I found hard to identify – I love this section here - the confusion - the connection - it's great!!!
one would have to feel it oneself to know the experience! This just reads awkward. It may just be my personal hang-up with the one/oneself thing. Could you say something like, "I have failed in every attempt to explain the experience"?
No little shaken I don't know that I've ever heard this remark (maybe it's regional?) Not a little shaken,. . OR More than a little shake . . . OR More frightened of the cat than the awaiting icy cold lake (An icy-cold bath each morning would be a deal breaker for me camping out all summer).
trying, (comma) as it were, (comma) to scrub myself free from the morning’s experience.
The animal’s response had, (comma) in no obvious way, (comma - setting off an adverbial clause - and I think it should come after "been" so as to not split the verb) been threatening. (period and new sentence) It{c} had even, with its lick, been apparently affectionate.
Beginning, (comma) now, (comma - setting off a time reference) to feel the cold of the water, and no little foolish, Here's the strange (to me) structure again. not a little? I climbed onto shore, searched for a few moments fruitlessly fruitless moments? OR searched fruitlessly for a few moments? for the towel I had forgotten to bring with me in my haste, and laughing now laughed - maintiain verb tense at my foolishness, ran back to camp. I might start a new sentence with "I laughed . .
From here, on, the story reads very clean. Almost like you "saw" the ending, but had to hash out the beginning. (Happens a lot to me.)
fastened on the doc like thumbtacks. fastened like thumbtacks on the doc I like the word picture.
what a handful this lady can be when it’s its OR "it has" a mind to be I'm not quite sure of your intent with this comment
She pulled off the glove and ran it under the water. ran the finger. . ., the wound. . . I'm sure she didn't run the glove under the water Also, several other times in this paragraph, you've used "it" without clearly stating what "it" was.
She's just hurt and scared, (comma) I imagine
What an amazing animal, I thought. Here's a wild beast, never been in a truck before, and acts like she's born to ride. Again, it's easier to recognize thoughts when they're set off in italics.
She stood up and stretched, which looked like it hurt her, what did she do that made it look like it hurt. Did she wince in pain? Limp? Show me, don't tell me.
lay her down again on the still-open I think it's supposed to be hyphenated.sleeping bag
When I got back to shore, the cat was waiting for me there."there" is assumed.
It padded along next to me and ate its sunnies I have her eating sunnies while walking. Maybe, "then ate her sunnies"
Also, you keep bouncing between "it" and "her." I would choose a point when you "connected" with the cat, and from that point on, use "her." It's just a little more personal.
just enjoying the cool night air, (comma) and the crackling fire, (comma) and the satisfied feeling that, (comma) after all what I had done for the cat, (comma) everything? it? (need a word here, I think) had worked pretty darn well. (period)
The Next morning, (comma) I woke, (comma) feeling a weight on my chest
This time the atmosphere was charged. You need to take me to town. You've told me about it, but haven't said you're going.
The doc says the bites weren't cat bites maybe the coroner, to avoid confusion??
A great story. I'm glad I stopped by to hear it. I know I picked a lot (that's what I do), but you have a strong, creative plot/storyline - that's the hard part. Anyone can fix grammar and sentence flow. Write On!!
The boys all cheered, “For the blue team! For Idania!”
Dominic whispered to Jacob, “For the crown kissers!” He then sent the five volunteers, one at a time, into red territory to create the diversion. After the last boy crossed the stream, Dominic, Jacob, and Antonio slipped through the trees.
Read more and review: Of Mountains, Beasts, and Kings |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
