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This is a review of The Car .
I'm supposed to be heading to bed, but I saw this on the plug page and had to bite. So, it'll be quicker than normal, but it's well written, so I should be good.
As you read the review below please remember: the opinions expressed here are my thoughts and suggestions only. I am not the final authority on any grammar or writing style. This is your work, you have the final say about which, if any, of my suggestions you choose to take. Use this review like a piece of gum: chew on it a bit to get the good stuff out, and spit out the rest.
Please email me if you have any questions or if you would like me to take another look after you have rewritten this work.
For a detailed explanation of my rating and reviewing philosophy, see Reviews, Ratings and Gift Points .
Plot: 4 pts
I had trouble getting through the first paragraph, with all the passive verbs. But, once the story got going, I really enjoyed following the little Nissan through her trials.
There wasn't much of a setting - but the story didn't suffer for it.
Characters: 5 pts
I really felt sorry for the poor car -- giving her all and no one appreciating her.
Overall: 4 pts
I love creative stories and stories told from odd viewpoints. You did great with this one.
Grammar/Spelling 4 pts
Below, I am copying parts of your story then adding my comments and suggestions. Remember: it is chewing gum!
Comments (Wow! I like this./I’m really confused here.) will be in blue.
Critiques/suggestions (Have you tried. . ./Maybe reword like: . . .) will be in red. Grammar/spelling suggestions will be in green.
As I mentioned, the first paragraph is full of passive verbs. See what would happen if you could rearrange it to use active verbs. Also, this is the only paragraph in the whole story not told from the car's pov.
beautiful Nissan still ran like the day it she I like how you refer to the car as "she" throughout. Makes her more personable. drove off the assembly line
Things were looking up for this Nissan. Then, it happened again. Did she start getting regular maintence, then it stopped? or was it a one-time tune-up?
Do you have a driver’s license, (comma to set off "adressee" within a quote) kid?” also, you have "kid" used twice within words of each other. Maybe change one to boy or . . .
“All right, I’ll take her.” Sniff, sniff. Pout.
She had been sitting in a dark ally way for two or three years, when someone came by and stripped her of all her parts. They took her brand new tires, her still spotless interior, and some of her engine. They left her doors, the paneling, frame, and her steering wheel. Would a car with "brand new" tires be sitting in a dark alley for three years?
“Well, (comma) I'm looking for something Your next quote also starts with "well." I'd drop one.
Look at that paint job. Nice huh She's been sitting in the sun for years. You've just said, "she's pretty beat up." This comment doesn't seem to follow.
It was what any red, 1980 280zx, turbo engine, two-seater, t-top Nissan would have wanted. Especially this one. Awwwww! I like this ending!
Kinda makes me feel guilty for getting rid of my cars - and not taking care of them.
And you asked about the title. What about "A Car's Life" or "Always faithful" or maybe she could have some phrase she keeps repeating to her self toward her owners (such as always be faithful) then you could use that. Just a few suggestions.
I really enjoyed reading this creative story. Thanks for the opportunity. Write On!
The boys all cheered, “For the blue team! For Idania!”
Dominic whispered to Jacob, “For the crown kissers!” He then sent the five volunteers, one at a time, into red territory to create the diversion. After the last boy crossed the stream, Dominic, Jacob, and Antonio slipped through the trees.
Read more and review: Of Mountains, Beasts, and Kings