There are a few grammatical and punctuation errors that tend to distract from it. For example the last line "your safe now" should be "you're safe now". Also this sentence is awkward "He had found himself sat in the exact same spot almost every night for the last month." Perhaps if you try "He was siting in the same spot almost every night for the last month"
You use very nice descriptions and colorful imagry, there is really some nice work here it just deserves a little polish.
I really liked this story. It has a nice description to help understand really foreign concepts. I like the personalities you have developed so quickly. It made me want to read more.
The only thing I was confused about was how the pistol actually worked. That might need a bit of additional explanation for dummies (like me).
Well, that fit the description, it certainly was scary. This was well written and quickly captivated me forcing me to read more even though I was afraid. The only typo that jumped out at me was a tendency to end sentences with prepositions"I’ll come back for it later, I have to.; I have no idea where the escape route is."
Artistic license lets you end sentences in prepositions once in a while but too often can get distracting, especially for editors.
Nice story, great perspective and a fun read. I hope you win!
I like your use of simile. If I were to recommend modifying anything it might be to smooth out a little of the choppiness with some more complete thoughts especially at the beginning. Maybe more showing rather than telling? "The fading sunlight lights up the pile of wadded papers: failed thoughts and half starts illuminate what I have failed to accomplish in three days." That's the same number of words but shows a little more rather than telling. It's a style thing though, i just threw it out there as an idea.
OK, thanks a LOT, that just scared the crap out of me (I say as i delete my in box).
But it is a good story and has a delicious if totally frightening twist.
As for feedback, i think that big paragraph in the middle should be broken up as it has a couple of completely different points of view. This sentence also needs a little work "I’m meeting a client at bar in town tonight. Could be a deal clincher.’"
But again, great story and scary as heck. Thanks for sharing.
What a wonderful story. I think you have the beginning of something great here.
I would like to have known a little bit more about the people since it was clearly an alien world: did they look like humans? Were they tall, short skinned or scaled. That sort of thing.
A great story though, i can't wait to read more. Thank you for sharing!
This is a very interesting story and I would love to read more of it.
I was really engrossed in the story so to find anything to help improve it I had to reread it objectively. The only thing I can see right off is a tenancy to start sentences with the verb. Sometimes is OK but you may want to watch it as it can make the reading for some people a little awkward. One example is starting a paragraph with "propping herself up on one elbow" instead of saying "Lisa propped herself up", or something. This is just an idea I don't mean it to detract from your story at all, it is great I'll watch for more!!!
Great story - I know the feelings all too well (just turned 49) and you describe them nicely.
I like how the excitement builds for the reader out of the despair of nothingness. The only thing I see that might improve your stories for some readers are the transitions from one line of thought to the next. Sometimes they are a little jerky and hard to follow. But its really a minor thing of preference.
That was really a wonderful story with the juxtaposition of cross dressing and a desire for a woman. I really like the unique perspective. The only suggestion I might make is to better identify the internal dialogue. A lot of editors require Italics for that and quotes for regular dialogue. Still a wonderful story and well written.
That was a wonderful story and I felt like I was there as I read it. I never experienced any event like that in my basic training but I could completely imagine it. I do remember how cadence songs would cheer us up on a long march; even though most of them were not meant for proper company.
Thank you for sharing your story - keep up the good work!
Wow, that was really intense. I think your warning might not be strong enough. This genre is not something I usually read so I don't really know how to comment.
It is certainly intense and frightening and gory and it has all the elements of a horrific tale. If that's what you were going for, you succeeded.
This was a wonderful and touching story. You have a great grasp of dialogue; it was one of the most realistic dialogues I have read. I particularly enjoyed the internal dialogue. We all do that yet so few write it well. You have accomplished this.
Great story, I suspect its not as unpolished as you think:
You asked for in depth so I hope you will take these suggestions in the vein of trying to help. Please do not misunderstand the to think I did not like your story - quite the contrary!
My thoughts -
I was confused here: Good morning, sir." <p>Oh,no! Not again, I thought but decided against another round of lecturing. Not today, at least."
perhaps you could add an internal thought or a smell or a sense that gave the reader an idea of what made him say "Oh no not again"
Minor typos (maybe do a find and replace on them?_ - Evereything, dimiss,
This was a little confusing - I think you forgot to mention Rosa in the previous thoughts - “Did you meet her, Robert?”“Yes, sir. She is down with malaria.”
The story really flows nicely after those first minor glitches. I can feel the love and romance in some really nice foreshadowing.
This sentence might be a dialect issue as I would say "As a parting gift, she left me her shell necklace" instead of left me back her shell necklace" I'm not sure that is worth changing. I think since it is really the centerpiece of the story I would like to know more about it: colors, sizes' types of shells etc. Those details could be strewn throughout the story to entice the reader to this end.
Again, these are just some thoughts on your story. i really liked it and hope you continue with others like it!
OMG - I have to do the same thing soon. Or rather at some point I will be not so gently reminded how much I NEED to have this humiliating and awkward experience performed on my person. All as the Willy Nelson song floats through my head "Was it something I did Lord a lifetime ago; am I just now repaying a debt that I owe."
So far they haven't caught me. shhhh - I'm hiding.
I like this story. I think the descriptions are great and the dialogue is good. What is awkward about it is the emotion. It felt a little arms length and looking at the emotion "This is one of thoe belly laugh events when you just have to let loose and have fun" is a good example. It's a little clinical and explanatory. I'd like to feel it.
"The first blast that hit me, was a complete shock. I flashed with anger but looking at Nicholas's laughing face, I could not help but laugh and begin to plot my payback. But first, I had to RUN!"
oh, I love it. The whole thing could have been done by my Dad in one of his many adventures. Like the one where the ducks had mites and they kept crawling up their arms as they cleaned them.
This story has real promise and totally sucked me into it. The only suggestions are: one a colloquialisms that don't fit the character 'Feature that" and two, the scene with th eboss explaining about people cluttering up his pictures was important but felt a little rushed.. I had to offer somethign for your points but I really liked the story.
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