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Review of A Murder of Crows  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I found your story on Rockin PDG. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Things I liked: I liked learning from your story; I always new a group of crows was a murder but I never knew why. I also liked the intensity of emotion within it. Your story left me wanting more and thinking about it over and over again from different angles like a child fascinated by a shiny object - that's a very good thing to do to a reader.

*Check2* Feelings your story evoked: It really touched the part of me that is dealing with my own mortality and that of my mother's in the last part of her life. I felt sadness and faith and curiosity and joy. Your story evoked a whole range of emotions.

*Check2* Your Specific Questions
Am I "hooking" the reader enough in my opening lines? Certainly in this story you hooked the reader. Right off the bat you have hundreds of crows descending nearly onto the reader with a delicious description of them. I was hooked right from the beginning.

My family says my writing is too "sappy". Do I need to tone down the sentiment?

Never! In my opinion, emotions in your stories are what make writing something other than just letters on paper. Yours clearly reflect some deep human emotions and that is beautiful. In my own writing I have a similar story that never fails to make the reader cry - but its also that story I have had people tell me helped them the most in a similar situation. Emotional connection is what it's all about.


Am I too ambiguous? Do I need more clarification in my theme? This is a good question that I feel is a matter of taste. I prefer stories that make me puzzle a bit and look at them a while before deciding what really happened. Other people like to be hit on the head with it. I think you should write what moves you then find the audience that fits you rather than trying to write for others (again, my humble amateur opinion).

*Check2* Things I would edit if the story was mine: For me - the flashbacks are a little jolting in this story. I feel like I need to wear a seat-belt. Perhaps if there was a little bit of a transitional phrase it might help. Part of this is my own tendency to read to quickly. But an example after this line:

I rested my elbows on my knees and stared down at the carved name before me.
Gladys Earline McKenna
1925 --- 2010
Devoted Wife and Mother

If you gave the reader a little warning like "I remembered when I was a child of ten - mother helping me..."

Not saying that's great but its where I am heading with this thought.

*Check2* Bottom line: I love your work. I would like to read more and this story left me not only wanting more but made me read it again and again getting a little more each time.

Thank you for sharing

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Review of Atonement  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: XGC | (4.5)

I found your story browsing through short stories. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Things I liked: The emotions really came through this and ran the gambit: fear and dread and love and lust and pain and arousal all rolled into one. It has a nice arc to the story too it built up to a mighty peak then rolled off it very well.

*Check2* Feelings your story evoked: Just about everything, parts were arousing and parts were repulsive and parts invoked a fear while others a tremendous empathy.

*Check2* Things I would edit if the story was mine:
Generally italics are used for internal dialogue its a little confusing if you use them for regular dialogue in the same story. You might try all caps if you really want to scream.

I saw one typo: That doesn't happen everyday. should be every day. very minor and not distracting at all.

*Check2* Bottom line: It was a great emotionally charged erotic story. I want to read more about this character and more of your works - GREAT JOB!

Thank you for sharing

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a nicely written story.

There are a few grammatical and punctuation errors that tend to distract from it. For example the last line "your safe now" should be "you're safe now". Also this sentence is awkward "He had found himself sat in the exact same spot almost every night for the last month." Perhaps if you try "He was siting in the same spot almost every night for the last month"

You use very nice descriptions and colorful imagry, there is really some nice work here it just deserves a little polish.

Nice work! Thank you for sharing!

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you - this was a very helpful overview. My novella was just rejected for the second time and I am sure it was for some of the reasons you sited.

Of all of them, Story essence was the least clear for me. Could you expand on that a little?

The second murkiest piece for me is the arc followed closely by pace. Is there an easy way I could have a bit of an example for these?

I'm not sure if this helps review-wise. Thank you for sharing this, I am sure to refer back to it often!

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
Rated: XGC | (5.0)
Still a great story, i feel like I am rushing through it.
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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: XGC | (5.0)
I am still loving the story. It reminds me a lot of one that I bought on an e-book. Its a wonder tale of bondage and submission.

I can't wait to read on. the only suggestion I might make is it feels like some internal dialogue might help bring out the struggle a modern woman would have with being whisked away and enslaved. I think if the turmoil in her mind was more pronounced that way then the explosion she had at the end would not seem so mental.

Just a thought, you are a great writer and I wanted to provide something that might be of value to you from a male perspective.

Thanks for Sharing!

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Yummy - This story shows the perspective of a sub so well without being crass or demeaning at all. I can't wait to read more.

I like the style of your writing, it is easy to read and I find myself falling into it more readily than perhaps, i should. You did a nice job with senses although I would like to have known how the satyr smelled. Some mythological creatures have had some unique scent (wood, smoke, leather, musk).

Thank you for sharing!

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Review of Casual Encounter  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the story. It's obvious you have a good plot line here.

For me it felt a little distant. It's one of those things that, for me, is a constant challenge to break. That's why one of my favorite quotes is "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. ~Anton Chekhov"

I think your story would really grow if you could make the reader fell for themselves instead of telling them about the feelings.

I liked the story and hope you continue writing! Thank you for sharing.

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Review of Impact  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
i both look forward to and fear your stories. This one was no exception, well writtan and heart breaking. It's another nice job.

there is a space missing between each and other in the beginning but othet than that I may have missed something as I was all caught up in the story.

Thank you for sharing!

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really liked this story. It has a nice description to help understand really foreign concepts. I like the personalities you have developed so quickly. It made me want to read more.

The only thing I was confused about was how the pistol actually worked. That might need a bit of additional explanation for dummies (like me).

Thank you for sharing; keep up the good work!

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Review of Her Obsession  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: GC | (4.5)
OK, that was frightening. It was well written and captivating.

There are some minor punctuation error and a couple of incomplete sentences that are not too distracting but if you intend to publish it, you might want to fix.

Great story, thank you for sharing!

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Review of In Camera  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well, that fit the description, it certainly was scary. This was well written and quickly captivated me forcing me to read more even though I was afraid. The only typo that jumped out at me was a tendency to end sentences with prepositions"I’ll come back for it later, I have to.; I have no idea where the escape route is."

Artistic license lets you end sentences in prepositions once in a while but too often can get distracting, especially for editors.

Great job! Thank you for sharing!

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Review of Guardian angel...  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting story. I particularly like the smile that is infectious.

I would have liked to know a little bit more about her: blond, brunette, tall, short, large small, that sort of thing.

Otherwise, it's a great story. Thank you for sharing!

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Nice story, great perspective and a fun read. I hope you win!

I like your use of simile. If I were to recommend modifying anything it might be to smooth out a little of the choppiness with some more complete thoughts especially at the beginning. Maybe more showing rather than telling? "The fading sunlight lights up the pile of wadded papers: failed thoughts and half starts illuminate what I have failed to accomplish in three days." That's the same number of words but shows a little more rather than telling. It's a style thing though, i just threw it out there as an idea.

Best of luck and thank you for sharing!

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
Rated: GC | (4.0)
This is a nice story, i hope you do well in the contest.

There is nothing that I can find technically wrong with the story. I think for me I had difficulty falling into the story as much as I might have because there were not enough descriptions of the persons and the emotions seemed distant. That's just a personal opinion so don't take too much from it. Another possibility might be because it felt more described than told. I wish I could be more help but really it might just be me on a Monday morning.

The closest I can come to helping you take it to the next level is a quote -

- Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. ~Anton Chekhov

Best of luck, keep writing and thank you for sharing!

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Review of Food for Thought  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
OK, thanks a LOT, that just scared the crap out of me (I say as i delete my in box).

But it is a good story and has a delicious if totally frightening twist.

As for feedback, i think that big paragraph in the middle should be broken up as it has a couple of completely different points of view. This sentence also needs a little work "I’m meeting a client at bar in town tonight. Could be a deal clincher.’"

But again, great story and scary as heck. Thanks for sharing.

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This story has some great potential. I like the intrigue you have mixed in and the foreshadowing of something supernatural about to happen. Great concept.

There are a few minor typos that don't detract from the story at all but I thought I would point them out. "The boys legs" should be "boy's" and "run it's course" should be "run its course" ( I always remember it by it's is always It Is and its is possessive - backwards).

I really like the story and would love to see more of it. Thank you for sharing!

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wonderful story. I think you have the beginning of something great here.

I would like to have known a little bit more about the people since it was clearly an alien world: did they look like humans? Were they tall, short skinned or scaled. That sort of thing.

A great story though, i can't wait to read more. Thank you for sharing!

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Review of A Matter of Honor  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
Rated: | (4.5)
I loved this story.

I could not find anything major to change. The only possible thing I could add is a bit more scene setting might be helpful, especially in the ballroom scene. The sounds of chairs scraping on the floor, the smell of gun smoke, the flicker of oil lamps, the smells of food, that sort of thing.

Your dialogue is great and the storyline has a lot of promise. I hope you have more coming.

Thank you for sharing.

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a very interesting story and I would love to read more of it.

I was really engrossed in the story so to find anything to help improve it I had to reread it objectively. The only thing I can see right off is a tenancy to start sentences with the verb. Sometimes is OK but you may want to watch it as it can make the reading for some people a little awkward. One example is starting a paragraph with "propping herself up on one elbow" instead of saying "Lisa propped herself up", or something. This is just an idea I don't mean it to detract from your story at all, it is great I'll watch for more!!!

Thank you for sharing.

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Review of Turning Fifty  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great story - I know the feelings all too well (just turned 49) and you describe them nicely.

I like how the excitement builds for the reader out of the despair of nothingness. The only thing I see that might improve your stories for some readers are the transitions from one line of thought to the next. Sometimes they are a little jerky and hard to follow. But its really a minor thing of preference.

Keep up the good work, thanks for sharing.

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A beautiful story but it needs a warning on the front - "Warning - this story will make fluid leak from your eyes"

Thank you for sharing it - I felt all of it and cannot think of a rational thing to say to improve it.

You have given me the courage to past my own version a story that needs a warning.

Thank you for sharing.

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
That was really a wonderful story with the juxtaposition of cross dressing and a desire for a woman. I really like the unique perspective. The only suggestion I might make is to better identify the internal dialogue. A lot of editors require Italics for that and quotes for regular dialogue. Still a wonderful story and well written.

Thank you for sharing.

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Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
That was a wonderful story and I felt like I was there as I read it. I never experienced any event like that in my basic training but I could completely imagine it. I do remember how cadence songs would cheer us up on a long march; even though most of them were not meant for proper company.

Thank you for sharing your story - keep up the good work!

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Review of Atrocity  
Review by Jordan.C.Fox
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow, that was really intense. I think your warning might not be strong enough. This genre is not something I usually read so I don't really know how to comment.

It is certainly intense and frightening and gory and it has all the elements of a horrific tale. If that's what you were going for, you succeeded.

Thanks for sharing it.

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