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Review Requests: OFF
459 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.
I'm good at...
In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.
Favorite Genres
I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.
Least Favorite Genres
poetry
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry
I will not review...
Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.
Public Reviews
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176
176
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there expendables13 ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Matt Cutter: To Hell and back  (18+)
Matt Cutter joins the SEALS.
#1965320 by expendables13
Nice job with the story!

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* This was an interesting build up to the nukes. I also like the ending true government fashion, sweep it under some rug and stand on it.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB*Max was believe able to a point. Come on how many seals actually train with top gun and learn how to fly enemy migs as well our own fighter craft. Now I have you at a disadvantage I'm ex-marine who actually did navy seal training lol.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You jump around so much with all your missions, and you spend more time on the weapons shopping list, then you do describing the place where all the action takes place.

         Okay here are three suggestions that would make this more Tom Clancy style. 1. The weapon's list how much effort does Tom Clancy use in give us a weapons shopping list on his missions. The reason is two fold with us vets we are under the information act and unless it is declassified we don't talk about specific weapons or their use. The second part is writing 101 if it doesn't carry forth the plot or a plot twist it is over description. A good example is a gungho marine has knife, ammo, guns, and grenades always on him. You don't need to list this. What you want to list is the extra map he picked up on his way into the jungle. Since the map was alternate escape routes, nice to know he has it.

2. Add some life to your characters instead of just going here then going there then fighting here then fighting there. An example After max says SOSDD (Same old stuff different day) You have him mumble, "As much as I would give my life for Slick I really wish he would shower at least once a day!" My point is give your character feelings make them more human than a robotic lean black fighting machine. You can have him flash back to a time him and Slick did some R&R at Hawaii or the States. You could add a growing small family or a dad etc...

3. If you notice that if you add all the other components together it wouldn't take you much to turn this into a novel you could actually use this story as your time line and sequence of events. You can fill in with vacations, family, even some romance, or drunken nights with his team. Fill us in on the team members their families etc... What you have is good but to make it better isn't that the real goal all of writers aspire to.

The other idea is you bust this up and do a full short story on each mission and fill us in on why he used all the fancy hardware you put in his shopping list. You tell us about his seal teams and with more story behind them, make them live again here on paper. We owe it to the Vietnam Vets, to make it real what they did for us, even if we have to make it all fiction! Sorry I'll jump off my soap box. If I was rude or out of line please forgive me. I still to this day flash back to the jungles and dread that word incoming. To the good side your story does bring back memories of Vietnam. I still have some funny stories I'll share with you guys about my tours of duty there.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member


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177
177
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
         Hi there GroovyStella }! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 The Man With The Gun  (13+)
Sam wants to see Miranda. But, at what cost?
#1965309 by GroovyStella


         Wow I remember when I reviewed this the first time. This is awesome I'm super jealous now! I see you took the suggestions and really reworked this into a much better story. I see your muse kicked in on certain spots, and you used the suggestion not only for a few typos, but to turn it into a better piece of art. I am so proud for you! I would give you six stars for the way you improved this story!

         From the reader point of view it grabbed me held me tight ran me through all the emotional roller coaster of hope and the let down death. Then back to hope for the next victim. It read smooth and wouldn't let me stop reading until I finished it. This what we all are striving so hard for in our writing: is the grabbing the attention, and keeping it until the finish.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
178
178
Review of So Not Normal  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi there Cassandra "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 So Not Normal  (ASR)
So this is my second chapter of my book, So Not Normal. Don't forget to rate and review!
#1965236 by Cassandra
I found this chapter interesting.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* Honestly I didn't see a plot, but that could be because I haven't read the first chapter. So for now, what I did notice was a bunch of short girls whom the narrator didn't much care for.

*BulletB* Character *CheckB* Okay I like your writing style but the honest truth is your over describing the characters. Let me explain it to you from an example I read from a mini course I took. When you try to describe things like a ladies purse for example. Everyone knows pretty much what is in a ladies purse or in our case what girls look like. Now back to the purse. You only describe what is in the ladies purse that carries your plot forward. In the example of going to Dallas plot, you would put a plane ticket to Dallas in it. Why is it important to know Abby's hair cut? You're killing me in description from a readers point of view, it makes your story slow reading and hard to muddle through, and it lost my attention. Now if all of this is important for the next chapter and is part of the plot please ignore me on this. One of the ways to keep from over describing is to slowly reveal these items on your characters spread out through many chapters as you develop your story more and as they add to the plot.

*BulletB* Setting *CheckB*Your setting was excellent I can picture in my mind the school's cafeteria. However a line early in the chapter telling us they were at school would have been helpful as well. That might be over kill, but hey it's just a suggestion. To me the reader it would help to know why we are describing all these girls at the chapters beginning is all.


"No, she's not too bad. She changed since last year, " Bridgette answered. I stand correct.<--- I'm still trying to figure out why he stands correct my minds keeps trying to tell me "I stand corrected." but another suggestion is just drop the "I stand correct." It pulls the reader out of your story and stops the flow.

Nicole is what you might a, umm, runt, I guess. (Okay it would flow better if you reworked it.) A suggestion is:"Nicole is what you might call a, umm, runt.

Addy's and exception to the rule.<--- Shouldn't the 'and' be 'an'?

I looked at self-centered spoiled brat in front of me, talking about herself again. Yup, Nicole. Okay two things that messed with my reading of the story. 1. I would put a 'the' in the line "I looked at *the* self-centered spoiled brat *named Nicole* in front of me. *Doing her most annoying thing*, talking about herself again. 2. I would add those two inserts and drop the "Yup, Nicole." The reason is if you read that sentence out loud it doesn't make sense the way it is written. I caught all these by reading it out loud. Like several reviewers of my work told me, read it out loud before exiting edit and hitting save. It really pays off big time.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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The Run-on King PDG Member


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179
179
Review of I wish  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there IceTiger ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 I wish  (E)
This is the essay a little girl wrote on an assignment.
#1965126 by IceTiger
I read your story and it touched my heart. You know nothing stirs up emotions more than stories about little girls. Especially when you have raised a couple of them.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I love how you worked into the little girl, and showed us at the end that she did get her wish. The plot and title and description all go together well.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* I loved how the teacher as well as the little girl were easy to imagine and picture in my mind.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* The setting didn't distract from the reader and were easy to make up in my mind as I read it.

The only suggestion I would make, is please remember us old people have a hard time reading colored print in small fonts. If I may suggest you use "size:5" for us older than 60's on your writing. Color is always good, just not small fonts. It hurts my eyes trying to squint though my bifocals. If you made any mistakes, you can understand why I didn't catch them.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this *Exclaim*

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The Run-on King PDG Member


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180
180
Review of The Noisy Boy  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing "The Noisy Boy. I will be reviewing it from the reader prospective only.



*BulletB* Character *CheckB* You set up your noisy boy very well. I liked the moving all round part reminded me of my children when they were babies.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You set the stage well. I could imagine the sleeping house just before something happens.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poetry! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
181
181
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

*Check3*General Impressions I like the fact you killed the main character on a positive note.

*Check3*Favorite Parts "God knows they spent many years trying to avoid your sorry parentage. Besides they don't get welfare until next week and I sure as hell ain't payin' to get that useless tribe down here."

*Check3*Plot The difference between man and wife's impressions of the same thing. I love the way you used Tilly as the sarcastic spurned lover telling the sad sorted truth of a lonely mans poor life.

*Check3*Characters You did Bill and his wife Tilly very true to life. the kids are still a little vage but then that would be my way of writing it also

*Check3*Setting good old American suburbs. You have painted a great picture for this story's setting.

*Check3*Dialog "So, thanks Bill. You finally took my good advice and pulled the trigger. ... Well, we had one or two good years but that don't nearly make up for all them bad ones. Just too bad you didn't ever work steady. Things might have turned out better." It tells the sad truth the best.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
182
182
Review of Subway  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie*Exclaim* I want to point out that I don't hold you to professional writer standards. You end up learning more by trial and error on this site. Take for example in the spacing on your story you have up for our reviewing pleasure. I'll bet you did a quick cut and paste and forgot to put a check in the upload box to keep the spacing or use double spacing. Don't worry I think all of us have done it a few times. You have done a good job on your story and it was fun to read. But since I'm reviewing this from a readers point of view I will show you the some of the grammar problems and other issues that pull a reader out of your story. I will make suggestions as I see them but please understand I rank your story on the story its self not on all the things we newbies do in our writing as we learn and grow into professionals.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I really liked the plot in this one I had to read the whole thing to finally get it and I like the way you rubbed our noses in it.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* I could identify and have feelings for all three characters nice way to introduce dad to his daughter.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* Other than lighting issues the setting was believable and really added to the mystery and suspense to the unfolding plot.

         Earlier in your story you wrote: "That light was the brightest he’s ever seen." Next you write: "A few dim lights illuminating just enough to see and a speaker system over head playing the worst jazz he ever heard." What I am trying to point out is you go from extremely bright to dim with no explanation or something saying "as he sat still slowly the lights faded back down to a decent viewing level etc." I'm sure if people go from bright to dim they notice it and make comments on it.

         Now your doing the new writer thing of over using "then". I did the same thing only in a 108,000 word book. You get to learn about it in a short story. I once read an article about it as to why it upsets the professional writers. You're telling us it happens and then it happens. It is okay to use it now and then. But you are best to avoid it unless you need a 'than'! Since 'than' doesn't talk about timed events your safe with using it. Mostly I found in editing to just cut the 'then' out in some cases 'and' works better as a replacement.

         “So you believe you hear your wife’s voice. Why would hear that?” Samantha asked. Okay that second sentence is missing a word that makes it readable and makes it flow try adding "Why would 'you' hear that?" This is a common error we all do it and word processors can never catch it either. The best way to find these and any other errors like it is to read your story out loud first before saving it. I was eliminated from a contest because of this. So I learned the hard way to always read my entry's. Beside the big plus to it is this practice will make you a far better writer. You have great skills so keep on writing.



*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaimr* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaimr* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaimr* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story *Exclaimr*

Thanks for sharing this item *Exclaimb* I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
183
183
Review of Poetic Toxins  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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         Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am going to review your poem by using the reader point of view. I enjoyed reading your poem. What I got out of it was the pen really is mightier than a sword. After all how many swords out last the ravages of time like a good written work does. To me the reader I realized that in reality the person's mind behind the pen is what really survives. I looked at the way you had your text centered on the paper and I could see a person's head like shape that your text formed. I found it interesting that is a good way to have what this poem reflected. Now that is great art.

Inscribing a passion, my script and its regime. As a reader this word 'regime' just doesn't work for me. I think that if you use theme instead it still keeps what your trying to say if not better. Mind you that is my opinion and it was the only thing that didn't work for me in the whole poem.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
184
184
Review of Misshapen  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

*BulletB* Flow *CheckB* I am going to review this work of art from the reader point of view. I cannot write poetry at all. I understand a little bit about it from 49 years in the past so I'll forgo ancient knowledge lessens and just tell you how much better you write your art then me.*BigSmile* I noticed your first, second and last lines all rhymed, and the third and fourth both rhymed. Until I came to the stanza listed below.

Very cruel the other kids could be
Jeered and laughed and bullied me
Until I wondered if
God had blundered
And so resolved to go and see

          Notice the red 'if' it really doesn't rhyme with blundered shouldn't the next line read: "If god had blundered" then wonder rhymes with blunder. and your pattern is preserved. It probably was a glitch. I started following everyone's advice to read it out loud before I save it or transfer it anywhere for public viewing. The only trouble I have is run-ons and reading doesn't find all of them. But it sure does fix a lot of other easy to correct mistakes.

         I enjoyed your poetry and you made me see some of the issues with the world on how we treat our fellow man. Your poem flowed and I could visualize this like it was a short story. It is very well written, Great job on it

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poetry! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion*Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
185
185
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I read your essay

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* You told the idea well of how bad advice keeps you from completion or in your case from making the ball fly down the fair way.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* I like how you built up your main character and also the ball even giving it a deity.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You set the tee off on the golf course well. I could picture a green well trimmed fairway with trees on both sides of it With water off to the right and way down at the end sand traps as well some rough.

This was my favorite line*Exclaim*
That he himself and also his poor scurrying golf ball were victims of bad advices, his will to obey them and his head which stayed down.

As a reader I didn't notice any errors the spacing was a little weird for an essay. But I'm not holding that against you its my place to judge that..Especially when I didn't see the check mark on double spacing and I got dinged for it. After all sometimes we all mess up on the double spacing.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
186
186
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I found your story interesting. I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you some of my conclusions. I believe this story was written by a young person or an older writer practicing writing as a child. I'm not going to correct the grammar or tell you to capitalize your I's, or capitalize the beginnings of your sentences, or spacing.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* You had a good plot leading us on an interesting chase.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* I can picture the little girl and her girl friend. I can even picture her candy eating dad and her missing mom.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* I like how you hid the candy from dad. Especially the Kit-Cat bars, Dads really to chow down on the kids candy. I also like the way you were showing us the clues in the right places a real child would look. Also I liked the way a child could figure them out.

Normally I use this section to discuss changes but the only change I could see other than grammar and punctuation which I don't review anyway. You could leave out the phone number it doesn't add to the plot and instead say "She called her best friend" However as a point of humor you could change to 1-800 number and see how many people catch on it's a toll free number could be pretty funny.

From the readers point of view I didn't find anything really wrong with this story. As a newbie I think you are off to a great start. Please keep on writing, I would suggest you finish this story. It is a great concept and I'm hooked and want to know more.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
187
187
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there *Exclaim* "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie *Exclaim* I enjoyed your story and can relate to the experience.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* You kept the title description as well as the story true to your plot.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* The character was very believable as well as the hospital staff.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* I could picture myself there as well as going through the same stupid stuff.

As far as I can tell your story flows well from the reader point of view. the only glitch is when you tell about marking the right shoulder you suddenly have your self marking the left shoulder. (see below).
it took me minutes to even lift my left hand, stretch it and the IV line over my body, and begin to mark a big X on my left shoulder.

Isn't it funny when your hopped up on happy pills how easy it is to forget right from left. I'm sure it was just an oversight. The only reason I'm even showing you this. Is it tends to make the reader drop out of the story, and go back and reread the paragraph just to make sure what is going on here. You show your going for the right shoulder. It had to be that happy pill in action.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
188
188
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there *Exclaim* "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie *Exclaim* I am fascinated by this story idea. After all who hasn't wanted to be superman or wonder woman.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I was enjoying where you are taking us with this plot great job.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* It is sad the girl had to die but it makes what is coming more believable you are developing them well for a starter.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You know there is always something going on under the cities good setting.

This was the only oops
She was miraculously good swimmer, she swam for such a long period of time, the forced her out, in fear that she would die from lack of sleep. Shouldn't the "the" = they? or a little rewrite "They would force her out."

Now from the readers point of view it flowed nicely other then stumbling over the typo. II does what you want it to . I mean it grabbed me and I had to finish it or die trying. Even the typo couldn't stop me form finishing it. It was a great read. I want more, you have me hooked. Keep up the great work!

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
189
189
Review of Animal Biology  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I really enjoyed your story it was interesting and for the most part grabbed me in and i had to finish it.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I enjoyed how you developed the story around the plot it was well thought out.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* You did a great Job involving the reader with your characters.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You didn't over describe it to me. You gave me enough I could see the house and the forest.

Tracking come hunting season – that would be useful! <--- This sentence with the one before it doesn't make any sense. It is like a partial thought not finished. A better example would be: "None of that would help me learn how to track ,which is extremely useful during hunting season." The other thought I had was to just omit this sentence. The only reason I am messing with it, is it pulled me out of the story. I had to stop because it doesn't make sense to me the reader. Once I got into the next paragraph the story flowed all the way to the end.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
190
190
Review of When Sylvie Sang  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! This story was very interesting I'm still wonder why she had to rain on her books. You wrote it well. It flowed so well, if there was any typos, who cares it read so easy and well.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* You wrote it very well and you kept to the plot. Your descriptions matched it as well.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* I felt bad for the poor guy that fell in love with her to bad she had to leave him. All your characters were believable and enhanced the story plot.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* Very good job making us live in the bar and in the apartment complex.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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191
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I enjoyed your story.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* The plot for the chapter was amusing. But very well done your description for the chapter match the plot.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* Your characters for the chapter were well written very believable it added to the suspense as well.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* I had a llttle trouble with it at first. Were we talking about Earth oceans or a Mars with a large ocean interesting I figured it out finally. I don't think it was you so much as me since I haven't read your first chapter.*BigSmile*

Jason: Hello, Mr.Stevens , myself Jason, this is my friend Edward.We actually want a written permit to visit Articus. <-- I listed this because it totally pulled me out of the story it just doesn't make sense when you read it. This is missing words or it needs to be re-written. Like all the other writers tell me to do, read it out loud before pressing upload. You would be surprised how many errors you can catch that way.*Exclaim*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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192
Review of DELUSIONAL  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! You did a great job with less than 300 word story.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* It was a nice short plot nicely done.
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* You made them come alive with such few words. You gave me enough information to make them live in my mind as the story progressed.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You created a great image of the hospital room and of the action as your story progressed Great job.


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
193
193
Review of The Shadow Murder  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* Very creative. I found it a great story. You held true to the plot, every action built up to the ending. Great job!
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* Your characters were believable. Nice writing, trying to convince that police detective.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* I could build the illusion of the house as well as the bedroom in my mind as I read.

There were only two things that pulled me out of the story. Your sandwich, I felt there should be more to it. Like what kind was it? A ham and cheese or peanut butter and jam? Some times these little things tell the reader more about your character and the mental state he is in.

"I kept trying to shout but my it was useless." I don't understand this sentence I feel it is not complete. You left out part of it or you added an extra word "my" to it. One fix is to just delete 'my' from it the other is to finish your thought on it.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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194
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I enjoyed your story. It reminded me of all the old murder mysteries, I used to watch as a kid.

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* I loved the plot and the twist at the end
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* Your characters were enjoy able and you were very descriptive.
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* You set your stage well with plenty of mind food in your descriptions .

The only glitch in the story was close to the end when you wrote: "I knew you had to be because of you.” this chunk of sentence just doesn't make sense, and it pulled me out of the story. My suggestion is the first 'you' change it to 'it' or rewrite it to something like "I knew you had to be the cause of it."

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
195
195
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* You stick to it with some possible sub plots great job
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* I'm having trouble trying to figure out just who or what Susie is to the main character.. Is she a friend, girl friend soon to be wife or a half sister? Your main character I would like to know his age so it is more believable he is over at a girls house alone together.. Are they children or newly weds or brother and sister?
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* Your imagery is great I can picture the house and garden and the roses

You do have one oops: Staring around at the frilly pink dor, <--- shouldn't that be door. The only reason I'm showing you this is it drops the reader out of the story. Also as I found out in a contest entry it can disqualify you from prizes. I know it is one of those errors that a spell checker ignores. The best way to find them in a finished work is to read the work and listen how it flows when you read it out loud.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
196
196
Review of In the beginning  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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Hi there! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

*BulletB* Plot *CheckB* Nice imagery and you stuck to it nicely
*BulletB* Character *CheckB* interesting way to introduce us to gods
*BulletB* Setting *CheckB* I can use the information you supplied to create your universe in my mind great job

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

The Run-on King PDG Member


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
197
197
Review of Abby's Dragon  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!


Hi there you about to get a review. "Gasp!" From a newbie! I love fantasy and am currently writing one in Nano I'm having story flow problems about my yellow dragon flight so here I am reading about a green dragon. your dragon reminded me of "Pete's Dragon."

*Plot: You stayed to the part where Abby went to school and she gave her dragon a chore to keep him busy until school was out. The dragon stayed to his part your plot is correct.

*Characters: I loved the two and Abby's mom it was all very believable especially on a school day.

*Setting: it was a great job of her bed and the bathroom mirror you didn't need much to fill in the details in ones mind you set the stage correctly.

I loved your story It had all the right elements to bring it to life was really fun reading I enjoyed how you introduced us to George and how Abby reacted to him. Your mom does the same stuff as my wife does getting our boys off to school Very well written and I loved your characters. It grabbed me in and held me there until you ended it.
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198
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!


Hi there I just finished reading your story. I found it amusing as well as entertaining. it was a great read and very enjoyable.

* Plot = Your description matched your plot and the rest of story did as well. This was what made your story flow.

*Characters = We will probably never find out why George stole the money probably gave it to Blue girl to buy the ice cream with but hey it's all cool it worked out even better in the end. your characters are very believable and well written. I like the jab you put in about the pants sliding down there back sides like most of the homeys like to do even my teenagers do that disgusting habit. I'll get off my soap box now.

*Setting = You describe good old high scool very well I was able to picture this scool very well as well as your characters.

The story flowed and I felt you did an excellent job on writing it for the teenage audience.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
199
199
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!


Let me state at the first I enjoyed the story but I did find some facts a little muddled from a reader stand point. I like the way you did descriptive writing it was a great balance of carrying your plot as well as giving the reader a view into the character's world.

Plot = I got confused according to the the outline stated under the title it was about a man feeding his cat. Yet you end it not with the cat being fed but with it as" I write one last line: Today is a wonderful fucking day for music." I like the statue as a diversion to show that man had a job and possible this was his day off from work where he was drowning his sorrow of life. I like that you showed him as a kind man. But it seemed to me as I read the story you had two plots going the one about the music and the secondary one about feeding the cat. Don't get me wrong it was a very well written story and I was glad to read it

Character = You stayed true to the main character I really enjoyed how you brought this man to life and gave us a view of his day off or so I perceived from what I read.

Setting = You described it like I was there in the rooms seeing it with my own eyes. The story flowed well there was nothing that would jerk me out of the setting.

I see no reason to change your story what I would change is your description to something like "A man, a cat, and music" It was your description that lead to the misunderstanding not the story itself.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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200
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear EmJay I enjoyed your story it reminded me of all the fun and the issues with raising children and believe me I learned this the hard way. I have help my beautiful wife raise and manage eleven children. Your story tells it like it is.

Now your plot was well thought out making the story pleasant to read as well as the enjoyment of children. Especially when they fight.

Your main character was done well and for all the information given was believable but at the first part I was initially thinking it was a teenager and by her name only was I sure she was female. As I read on you filled in the details so I was able to realize it was a young mother as well as an adult.

Nice job on filling in the blanks. Your setting was perfect.

I'm not an English major but as a reader the only flaw was paragraphs and since it just me and you might have the writing style correct. I am just so used to seeing indents for new paragraphs. That the lack of them stands out at first when I looked it over .I thought interesting . When I read it and found you write excellent and I may have had a wrong impression. I couldn't see knocking you down for my false first impression.
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