|Hi there Cassandra "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
I found this chapter interesting.
| ||So Not Normal (ASR)|
So this is my second chapter of my book, So Not Normal. Don't forget to rate and review!
#1965236 by Cassandra
Plot Honestly I didn't see a plot, but that could be because I haven't read the first chapter. So for now, what I did notice was a bunch of short girls whom the narrator didn't much care for.
Character Okay I like your writing style but the honest truth is your over describing the characters. Let me explain it to you from an example I read from a mini course I took. When you try to describe things like a ladies purse for example. Everyone knows pretty much what is in a ladies purse or in our case what girls look like. Now back to the purse. You only describe what is in the ladies purse that carries your plot forward. In the example of going to Dallas plot, you would put a plane ticket to Dallas in it. Why is it important to know Abby's hair cut? You're killing me in description from a readers point of view, it makes your story slow reading and hard to muddle through, and it lost my attention. Now if all of this is important for the next chapter and is part of the plot please ignore me on this. One of the ways to keep from over describing is to slowly reveal these items on your characters spread out through many chapters as you develop your story more and as they add to the plot.
Setting Your setting was excellent I can picture in my mind the school's cafeteria. However a line early in the chapter telling us they were at school would have been helpful as well. That might be over kill, but hey it's just a suggestion. To me the reader it would help to know why we are describing all these girls at the chapters beginning is all.
"No, she's not too bad. She changed since last year, " Bridgette answered. I stand correct.<--- I'm still trying to figure out why he stands correct my minds keeps trying to tell me "I stand corrected." but another suggestion is just drop the "I stand correct." It pulls the reader out of your story and stops the flow.
Nicole is what you might a, umm, runt, I guess. (Okay it would flow better if you reworked it.) A suggestion is:"Nicole is what you might call a, umm, runt.
Addy's and exception to the rule.<--- Shouldn't the 'and' be 'an'?
I looked at self-centered spoiled brat in front of me, talking about herself again. Yup, Nicole. Okay two things that messed with my reading of the story. 1. I would put a 'the' in the line "I looked at *the* self-centered spoiled brat *named Nicole* in front of me. *Doing her most annoying thing*, talking about herself again. 2. I would add those two inserts and drop the "Yup, Nicole." The reason is if you read that sentence out loud it doesn't make sense the way it is written. I caught all these by reading it out loud. Like several reviewers of my work told me, read it out loud before exiting edit and hitting save. It really pays off big time.
Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
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The Run-on King PDG Member