| Hi I'm fairly new here and all and I'm looking to help out with what little I know. In these two sentences when your reading them as a reader not as an editor. I got lost on who Christie was I had to go back and see that Laura is meeting with Christie.
She gave up trying to tame it down as she hurried towards the building that housed The Detroit News. Christie had something to tell her about their Halloween get-a-way.
If I may make a suggestion I would suggest you fix it this way: She gave up trying to tame it down as she hurried towards the building that housed The Detroit News. Her friend Christie had something to tell her about their Halloween get-a-way.
This next segment can use a little editing it was a tip I learned from an online source: Now, impatient for the vacation to begin, she packed tee shirts, shorts, jeans, a sweater and a jacket and put the suitcase by the door.
The example was when your listing items that go in a purse, suit case, sack, backpack, or wallet only name the things that your plot will use. Because every ones purse has the common things in it and the same for packing. We never saw the tee shirts or the jacket and the jeans but everyone normally packs one. I got called on this same thing myself is why I understand it better now. I was listing everything including the kitchen sink in my characters back pack. The truth is we only need to show what brings the plot forward in my case a flash light and a box of batteries for the flash light.
Simultaneously, Laura and Christie reached for their sweatshirts <---- (You didn't pack it so where did it come from?) My point was it is a small inconsistency it is harmless but editors look for this stuff to shoot us all down with.
She dug her own camera out of her satchel to do just that. Where did the satchel come from I thought they packed suitcases only. Now a phone camera in a purse is a better choice. Every one knows ladies don't leave home without their purses and some ladies have a purse as big if not bigger than a satchel. Another idea is: She dug her own camera out of her satchel like purse to do just that. I want to help I do hope I'm not picking on you that really is not my intention I'm just trying to show in our writing we need to be consistent even with luggage. You know the rest of it was good but I as a reader felt the trip to the submarine was a fill in for more word count. It would have had a lot more meaning if they first meet Gary there so it would tie up better why he would allow them to take the swan home. He could have been filling in for the normal tour guide etc... All in all it was an interesting story I thank you for taking the time to write it.