Hi,
An intriguing story - and a true one, I assume. There are some wonderful moments in this story that make it come alive, for example, the detail of the glass that smells of plum brandy, the detail of Teodore's belt, Florea's 'tiny' hands and Boris's hands trembling as he hugs Teodore.
I think the structure of this story could do with some work. The 'frame' for the story is your memories of your grandfather. You already end the story by referring back to this (which is good) but when the story switches to the First and then the Second World War, it would be worth putting in a line or two that makes it clear to the reader that you are drawing these sketches of Teodore's life together to demonstrate his character and why his life was - and still is - important.
Overall, I think it is a piece of work with a LOT of potential but which needs quite a bit of editing to tighten it up and get it sparkling! I think it will be excellent though.
Here are some editing points:
from gunfire during war. during the war
I miss him greatly. You are right to make this a simple, short sentence to emphasise the emotion. I would go further and lose the 'greatly'.
The owner could not afford these for the entire village, and the owner was protected from loosinglosing the dinnerware, as very commonly fights would break out.
in tact intact
he would rub the ends of his moustache between his fingers, curling them as he thought about the story ahead. 'Ends' because you refer to 'them' rather than 'it'.
nobody knew which government was in leadership.I think 'in power' might be better. 'Leadership' is a quality rather than a state of being, I think.
bails of hay. bales
“Tati, Tati, your home”, you're
if the Russian army keep pillaging our village. Everyone is afraid and hiding in their home, especially with all the men away at war”, Florae said.
...keeps...homes...war," Florea said.
the red Russian officer I think, as 'red' refers to his political allegiance, this ought to be 'Red Russian officer'. What do you think?
and it is our only source of life” Teodore addressed the officer in Russian. only source of food," Teodore said to the officer in Russian. I think 'source of life' sounds a bit odd.
“Well I was a prisoner in a camp in Ukraine in the First World War and then transferred to a farm as labour help”, Teodore explained.
“What was the owner’s name of the farm that you worked for”, the officer quickly replied
“Alexandrova Ciora”, Teodore said.
In all of these sentences the comma needs to come before the speech marks, ie. ," not ",
I suggested to Alexandrova to baptise him Boris after her first son who had never returned from war” Teodore replied, war,"
The officer leaned forward and embraced Teodore ruggedly saying, “I am that boy, Boris”.
Boris."
tears welt in his eyes well
Best wishes,
Hallgerd
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