My overall impression is that I would love to read this novel. I have no criticisms of the work. The character of Jeremiah is intriguing, and the possibility of survivors of a cataclysmic disaster are myriad. I'd love to see how the story plays out.
I love it! AI to the rescue. There've been so many comments about the possibility of artificial intelligence taking over, but this story illustrates it beautifully. I can't say anything negative about the story. It's well written, the style is excellent, the pacing is good, and it makes the reader believe that it's going to be (sort of) okay when, and if, AI takes over in the future.
Well, not a really nice story, was it? I don't know, I guess I'm not really someone who enjoys hearing about anyone's gastric difficulties. The MC did (sort of) have it coming since he'd already experienced the mouse in the toaster. I'd have continued to be apprehensive myself in that situation, especially with the young lady seeming to entice him to take something he didn't think he should take.
But I guess the story was well written enough, even though not to my taste.
Interesting, but somewhat confusing. Especially the last section. He started teaching and found he liked it, but he "could see how much you want to educate people to really do it. I know I've been blessed to have had many" Or is it just that the story is unfinished? There is no period after "many," so maybe it would have made sense if it had been finished.
The statement before that, however, is still confusing. Were you trying to say something like, "You have to really want to educate people to actually do it"?
Until then, the story was interesting and the writing was good, the pacing was fine, and I liked the style. I haven't studied "A Clockwork Orange," but your argument sounds good to me.
Eww! I'm a time travel nut, and I really liked the details in your story. It's well-paced, with good dialogue, descriptions, detail - but of course I didn't like it since it was the murder of the man's wife, son, and his son's father. Ugh.
But I found little to critique in it. You did well with the story you wanted to tell. Congratulations.
Interesting. I'm not sure how precise a metaphor it is, as no one I know has had such an experience as you describe. But this little scenario was enjoyable, in some ways. If I were to grade it, I'd give it a C+ though with some work it might make it to a B.
That was a fun read. It's so true that people will often take advantage, even of their friends. This Ruby took a little too much advantage of her friend, and it looks as if her friend might not be her friend much longer.
But the tale was cute, and there were few typos. The pacing was good, but I didn't understand the last line. I guess it has to do with hypnotizing someone, but I don't know what Blake meant by "triggers," and why Ruby ran off after Weiss.
I decided to look at this one because it's the same title as a story I published a year or so ago. But mine was a science fiction tale.
It sounds as if you're trying to fool the reader by pretending the comments are a young girl's when, in the last sentence, we learn that the gym is speaking. It could be done better, maybe by having some interesting event occur during the prom it's speaking of - e.g.. punch spilled all over the floor, with several people slipping and falling, and others laughing or aghast. Something like that could affirm to the reader that he might be reading a girl's memory, and the gym's statement at the end would be that much more surprising.
This, of course, is only my opinion.
As for the work itself, there are a couple of typos. "I never get asked to dance and without a date I certainly don't want a picture of me alone. So, I just stand around and look at all the beautiful decorations." Aside from this turning out to be a statement by an unreliable narrator, there should be a comma where there isn't one and there is one where there shouldn't be.
It's interesting to consider in retrospect how a gym might be humming along to "You're So Beautiful," its 'favorite' song. And at every prom, are the girls always dressed in red and the boys in white? Something could be done about that.
And "I wonder what color my gown will be," is creepy to consider.
I enjoyed this story, though the Asian references gave me a little trouble. But I do think the narrator should have expanded a bit on his reasons for leaving the "game" besides his experiences with Okubo.
But I was impressed with the pacing of the story, and the characterizations were excellent, aside from the narrator himself.
I'm rating the story with 4 stars, only because I think there was some room for improvement.
I'm not terribly fond of stories that start with a conversation that takes a while to figure out. I think it might be just as simple to say something like, "Baba," I complained as my friend held my pink coat out for me. "Is this really necessary?"
Then in the new sentence, where someone is calling the narrator by name, there could be a little exposition about what's going on.
There are too many sentences stuffed into this one paragraph. I hope they'll be separated when you write the rest of the chapter.
One more thing: It's hard to know who's speaking without attributions, or an explanation of who's there and what's going on.
But the excerpt is intriguing. The story might be interesting.
I liked this, but there wasn't really any tension. It was pretty obvious before he found the door that this could be some sort of intermediate place between life and death. Then, when he wasn't able to get his friends to notice the door, I knew they were dead and he was still alive.
Another thing: the word "orientating." It's my understanding that these kinds of words are wrong - it should be "orienting," meaning finding one's place. Thankfully, there were no other grammatically poor choices of words, but you could have used a thesaurus a bit more.
And I'd be more apt to use "it's" rather than "it is," and similar. And a good editor would be helpful. But again, I liked this story.
Excellent! Your pacing was so good that there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that those were snake fang bites. The whole story was very well done. The only fault I might find would be in how many of your sentences begin with an "ing" word. "Walking through the woods," "locking the door," "driving into my yard," etc. I do the same thing, and have to stop myself and reword those sentences. One or two are okay, but I sometimes find myself writing more than six in one short story. Otherwise, this was a very good story.
I like where you're going with this. It's sort of a post-apocalyptic tale, but not so scary. I like the POV of the girl, and I like the dog part (tho not the death of the puppy).
I'll look forward to reading your novel, though I'd call it something other than Artificial Intelligence, It sort of gives the whole game away before you start reading. Maybe something like "How AI Was Worse than Climate Change." (I'm kidding)
This is well written, with good characters, good pacing, and during the attempt to escape section, very well paced. I love it.
You wanted to know where your reviewer thinks this story might go. I like it, and believe, if I were writing it, I'd incorporate the idea that a few people have purchased extra time to live. So you do find someone older than 85 who could go back. And you also might incorporate the idea that someone who goes back could take along another, so your TEMPRA agent might accompany this person.
What might have happened 85 years ago will depend on the date of this part of the story. If it's taking place 100 years in the future, you could make up the disaster. Or you might set the current time about 85 years from now, and use whatever interesting event would fit your needs (e.g., the Coronavirus pandemic).
I think the story so far is very well thought out, and I do really like it.
I like it a lot. There's a whole lot of potential for an excellent sci-fi story and i'd love to see you expand it. I can even see potential for a book.
I like the characters, and the pacing is good. There's some good description and very little exposition (altho I do think it could use a bit more). If this is a newbie offering, it's very, very good; if not, I do think it should be expanded.
I hardly know how to respond to this. There are many glaring grammatical errors, as well as the entire concept: There is only one human and he lives new lives every time he dies. And the only other being in the universe is the one controlling that human’s lives. I think it’s been done, and better, more coherently.
Your beginning is odd, given the rest of the story: “The medics tried …” If “you” are the only being besides the narrator, where did the medics come from?
It’s often difficult to know who says what, especially when the attributions are unfocused. One particular error really bothered me; and that was the comment beginning “That’s what I like to hear. Worried about your family.” It goes on to say: ". . . but you're marriage was falling apart and your kid. . .” That should be “your marriage . . . and your kids . . .”
Later, “So if I've gone back in time, then I'm Jesus!" You say (and this should be ‘you say,’) "and all who followed him, and who excited him." I think you mean “…executed him,” not “excited him.”
The ending is absolutely confusing: “And off you went.” Aside from anything else, the tense change is bothersome. And where did he ‘went’? I’d suggest “And off you go,” or And off he went (with no quote marks).
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