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Review Requests: OFF
115 Public Reviews Given
293 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm working on it. But generally my honest opinion of the piece, things I really enjoyed, any holes in the plot or characters, things I'm unsure of, any errors in grammar or spelling that I pick up on - if there's anything specific that you'd like me to comment on just let me know
Favorite Genres
Young adult, comedy, romance, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories or chapters, both personal and fiction
I will not review...
Poetry, not because I don't enjoy it, but simply because I do not feel I know enough to give a fair review. Full novels, unless it's split into chapters, for which each chapter will need a different request unless I become addicted and can't stop reading it!
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
As I kind of touched on in my other review, try and not repeat yourself so much. I've noticed the vast majority of your sentences begin with 'the' 'it' or 'he' - when writing something like this which is nearly all action you need your writing to sound more fast paced - it's hard to explain!

For example, rather than 'Zaireth stood back up and pushed the dust and dirt from his cloak.' You could rearange it so that it reads 'Standing back up, Zaireth pushed the dust and dirt from his cloak.' If you can see what I mean, it makes it sound more action-y, like it's happening in the present so engages the reader more. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough!

But obviously don't get rid of every repetition, like, in the paragraph where you're talking about what the monster is seeing after Zaireth just realises he's tripped over a human, it works well. The repetition of 'It saw' reads as if as Zaireth is realising it, the reader is realising it too *Smile*

Also, watch out for your grammar! If you read back through you'll notice some sentences don't read right because they need punctuation.

But your story telling really does have great potential - the plot is different and refreshing; I couldn't guess what was going to happen next. And it's really cool how you use all the senses when describing things; I always forget to do this. By describing not only sight but smell, sound and touch, you are really helping the reader to imagine themselves being right there alongside Zaireth.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review of Sawdust Parker  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This was really interesting - western's aren't normally my thing but this definitely surprised me! You're character descriptions are very good, and the plot of this short story is cleverly thought out - it's clever the way he only asked for a glass and left the reader wondering why? before you brought it in further down.

You have got quite a few mistakes with grammar and punctuation, such as 'Hals spurs' should be 'Hal's spurs' and I also noticed a sentence near the top missing a full stop - things like this can be fixed easily if you just read through it *Smile*

I would also suggest trying to cut down on repetition - this paragraph used 'the bartender' quite a few times!

'The bartender glanced Hal up and down. The bartender’s face held a sour expression. “Money,” the bartender asked in disbelief. He peered under Hal’s dirty hat and met his dull blue eyes. “No one drinks for free,” smiled the bartender.'

You could change it to something like 'The bartender glanced Hal up and down, face sour. "Money," he asked in disbelief, peering at Hal's dirty hat. Meeting Hal's dull blue eyes, the bartender smiled "No one drinks for free".'

Also, if the bartender is asking, then really "Money," should be followed by a question mark - "Money?" Otherwise it's hard to imagine the bartender saying it in disbelief!

But it's only a suggestion!

I especially like that you've brought up Hal's father quite a bit, advising him, and then at the end Hal decides he will follow his father's advice, just not today - it made me chuckle *Smile*

Keep writing,
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
28
Review of It's a secret  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a sweet little story *Smile*

It has promise, but it needs quite a bit of editing! Re-reading it through will help you notice the typos - for example 'Everyone,but one boy in particular came out.' - this makes it sound like he does come out, when in fact he doesn't! You need to be very careful with your commas - you seem to use far too many than you need to!

You also need to watch your tenses - you change them about quite a bit!

If you need help with editing for grammar and tenses just let me know and I'd be happy to proof read for you *Smile*

I love that she sighs when she sees him without actually meaning to - I can just imagine this happening in real life! It's totally something I'd do haha!

Keep writing *Smile*
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review of Avian Moon  
Review by Lady H
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Oh my god I love this! It's so funny and clever. The rhyming and rhythm is tight, and the imagery is great - your language just seems to flow effortlessly. I especially love the phrase 'evil-eye stare'; to some it might seem out of place 'can a bird really give an evil eye?' but I know from experience it can! I live in the countryside and so get a lot of birds in my garden - my dad is now best friends with a scruffy blackbird - it comes and sits right by the door and chirps until we put out raisins!
When I next see dad I'm going to show him this - I know it will make him chuckle!

Keep writing,
Holly
30
30
Review of Silverstein  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good short story - I love the last line *Smile*
It's funny how he displayed so many good football skills in running away from the angry crowd, ironic that bad playing had got him into the mess in the first place.
I just picked up on two things:
'You never seen anything like this in Littleton' - perhaps 'we'd never seen' or 'you had never seen' would make slightly more sense.
And this is being really nit-picky now, but in the very first paragraph you state yesterday was friday, so it's probably not necessary to state today is Saturday as the reader can work that out themselves *Smile*
Anyway, great job!

Keep writing,
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review of Namaikizakari  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You're story is hard to focus on - the large paragraphs make it hard to read! Strictly speaking, each time the topic changes or a different character speaks you should start a new paragraph to avoid confusion. You also need to watch your tenses - the bulk of your story is in the present tense but sometimes you slip into others.
With some editing though, you have a good basis for a story *Smile*
I'd be happy to come back and change my rating when you've had another look through your chapter!

Keep writing,
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review of The Visit  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hahaha I loved this! I too am familiar with the rush of adrenaline of pulling off something like this. I really like your story telling - I can't really explain it but you tell it perfectly with just the right amount of detail and action. I can't find any errors with grammar or spelling.
My favourite bit was when your friend referred to it as a 'Visit' and you knew immediately what he was referring to; I love it when I have similar moments with my friends.
You two sound like a right troublesome duo! I hope you get to make another Visit soon *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review of THE WAITING ROOM  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really nice piece. It reflects perfectly how long the wait can seem, and how you get distracted by all the things going on, in a waiting room. I love that you've used people of all ages, and I also like that you've left the result of the main character's out - it emphasizes the fact that the piece is focused on the waiting room, which singles it out from other short stories like this. Great job! *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly
34
34
Review of Second Chances  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really interesting beginning to a novel - it's left me with lots of burning questions so I want to read more and get the answers! I guess that's what the first chapter of a novel should do, so well done!
I really enjoyed reading it and would love to read more, I hope you carry on writing!

Holly
35
35
Review of Stronger  
Review by Lady H
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This story has great potential, it's good that you've left the reader hanging, wondering how Adrian is going to come into the story later.

The layout is very easy to read, and your grammar is pretty much spot on with only a few typos a quick look over can solve *Smile*

One thing I did pick up, though, is that Jadyn is a bit rude - especially in the first scene in the hallway, after all, she wasn't watching where she was going so it was half her fault that she walked into Adrian. Is this part of the story? Does she change her attitude as the story goes on and become a nicer person because of some thought-changing event? I'd love to hear your plans!

Keep writing! *Smile*

Holly
36
36
Review of The Next Episode  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your piece is really well written. I almost didn't write a review because I didn't know how to put how it made me feel into words - it was very thought provoking. Although dark, it was very insightful to a world many teenagers live in today - no matter how much I don't want people to have to live this way. A sucker for happy endings, I like how you reunited the two protagonists at the end - it tied up the piece perfectly. The only suggestion I would make is to perhaps space out your paragraphs more, so that the text as a whole is easier to read, or along the same lines use the tools of writing.com to make the font larger.

Keep writing! *Smile*

Holly
37
37
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like your last line, for some reason it just stands out.
I'm no poet myself so I'm afraid I can't give you much along the poetry line, but as far as I'm aware poetry comes in many forms, it's a pretty wide field *Smile* So to my eyes, it's a very good poem!
Sorry I can't be of more help!

Holly
38
38
Review of The Prayer Quilt  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a really beautiful piece of writing. Your description of the quilt is truly lovely! I'm not religious myself, but I do always wonder if things like this do really happen. This short story makes me hope that they do! What inspired you to write it? Are you religious yourself? Anyway, I can only imagine how comforting a thoughtful gift like this would be during a troubling time of life.

Keep writing! *Smile*

Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
39
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is brilliant - I never even thought it was possible to write a short story in 100 words but this piece has definitely proved me wrong! I absolutely love the twist at the end. This is so true to celebrities today - all we see is them being someone in front of the cameras - how do we know this type of thing doesn't go on behind closed doors regularly?!
Very thought provoking!

Keep writing,
Holly *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
40
40
Review of Colors of Fall  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful poem, I love it! I'm from England and we call 'fall' 'autumn'and I think it's by far the prettiest season - I live in the countryside so as soon as the leaves start turning all the hedgerows and trees turn wonderful colours - I wish I was a photographer so I could capture it! Thank you for writing this poem and reminding me of the beauty *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
41
41
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a cute story, you've clearly got it all planned out!
I think proof reading might be a good idea as there are a few typos and issues with tenses, I've picked out just a few things:
'far end of the arena she (instead of she did you mean 'I'?) could see a stalky black horse approaching'
'Tracey (had) seen the lineage of this horse and snagged her out of the potential she (had) seen for her and this horse to be at the top'
' like destiny ment (meant) it to be'
But I think a few reads through would fix this - it's always hard to spot your own typos! I love the simple sentence'That horse could turn on a dime'.
I don't know much about horses but you clearly have a lot of experience!
Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
42
42
Review of Life as a bully  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.5)
This gave me shivers, it's brilliant. Very simple but very effective! I don't know much about poems, but this seemed to run with a perfect rhythm and a classic rhyming pattern. I think you've really dug deep into a bully's life and not taken the stereotypical route of writing about a bully victim, instead searching for potential reasons at why people act the way they do.

Keep writing!

Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
43
43
Review of What A Girl Wants  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow I love this! It's really powerful and I can really relate to the topic! Haha, it kind of reminds me of a Taylor Swift song *Smile*. I love this group of words 'Crushing, wanting, falling, needing'. The whole thing really sums up the knowing what you should want - the sensible option - and then deep down what you actually want. I really enjoyed reading this piece!
44
44
Review of Stop and look  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a lovely description *Smile* I found just one thing I would change; I think the sentence in the last paragraph makes more sense with an 'and' - like this: '...from their slumber (and) forces them...', but apart from that it's beautiful, well done *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
45
45
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This story's really interesting, there's so much you've left unsaid and still so many cliffhangers - please write more!

Here's a few things I picked up as I read through, just a few typos. It's weird, because they're all near the beginning - it's like at the start you were a bit unsure, but once you got started it all flowed out!

'He didn’t really do that anymore' doesn't quite make sense - perhaps 'He decided not to do that any more.'
Why does he not want to read the paper? Or is it just annoyance towards his mum?
'She let out a little grunt' - I think Emma's mother says this, but it could be made a little clearer.
'He cursed himself for trying' - why? Was it pointless? Should he have stayed in bed? Did he not like Emma?
'were' - typo 'where'

One of the things I found hard to keep up with was the timings of this story - are there two stories mixed together, like past and present? Or is it one story with time moving really fast (changing of seasons is quite sudden).

These three quotes I absolutely loved - the description is really cool.' The bare trees had frozen into their own twisted architecture.' - love this line. ' The air would sit like soup' A perfect description of hot stuffy summer air! 'They made a black wave that crashed over her house and went onward.' This is also really beautiful.

Please write more and could you possibly email me when you do add more? I'd love to carry on reading!

Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
46
46
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a really well-rounded story, and I love that it both starts and ends with the wish - it's something that short stories should all have, and something which I struggle with!

There are just a few things that I would point out that you might consider changing,
I don't quite understand the 'And that’s when I first noticed her. I mean for real.' bit, because the protagonist goes on to tell the reader that he's been watching her for a while now, so surely he would have thought she was different from the others before this moment?

This sentence 'I gave the red scarf back to Cindy and she put in her left hand while taking my hand in her right' is a bit hard to understand - I don't think the bit about the scarf in the left hand is really necessary, perhaps you could change the sentence around, something like 'Cindy took the red scarf back with her left hand, and reached for my own hand with her right.' is a bit clearer.

'It was even too big for me to wear but it was perfect.' Did you mean 'a little too big for me'? Or maybe 'perfect for this moment' would suit better.

Lastly, the characters are obviously around thirteen years of age, but in some parts of the story it seems they are a lot older, such as Cindy having had a boyfriend before and the boys playing poker. Maybe the story would better suit the age of 15?

Just some of my thoughts *Smile* I absolutely love some of your detailed descriptions though, such as 'My cheeks drove the smoking stems into the cake as my nose cleared each smoldering stick to be rammed two inches into chocolate frosting and yellow cake' and 'the aroma from the simmering cuttings was sweet and laced with honey,'. Both really help me to imagine the image and transport me straight into the story.

Overall, a really interesting story, and great writing! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
47
47
Review of Skin Deep  
Review by Lady H
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Oh this is really good! Please please carry on with it, I would love to read the rest of it! It's just so normal and the reader can identify with your character perfectly - it's so refreshing and makes me really want to read more! It's written really beautifully as well (:
48
48
Review of Reflection  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is written really really beautifully. I know it can sometimes be thought of as an ugly topic, but the imagery you create with words is truly beautiful and brings to life the situation. Just one thing, should the last line be 'I am done being bound to my reflection.'? Other than that, it's a great piece of writing (:
49
49
Review of Ode to Summer  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ahh I can't wait for summer either! This poem is so true, and I really like how you've constructed it - it's simple and the meaning is really clear, and that's why I like it so much! The imagery has brought to life my own memories of summer - I can almost forget about this horrible weather we are having at the moment!
50
50
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow I can't believe that you are only thirteen! This is really beautiful - you write as though you are much older, and maybe also from a different time period - but in a good way! It's hard to explain, but your writing is sort of regal and elegant. I'm not really sure I can help you with how to improve it, because it is already really good! Well done (:
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