Please, please, please remember that what follows is MY opinion. You don't have to listen to it.
Your Work's Title:A Christmas Memory
What I Liked...
Great description under the title. Good, simple topic Nice details Simple wording for an 8 year old
Questions/Confusions...
--none--
Editing...
You Wrote: "Crash!" Maybe italize it or something to give it more...meaning. Could even change its font or size too..
Overall Impression...
A very cute story about a tiem that I think everyone can relate to having done at some point in their lives. You had a good plot; kept the words and emotions perfectly simple for an 8 year old. Overall great job!
Please, please, please remember that what follows is MY opinion. You don't have to listen to it.
Your Work's Title:Gary in Gary
What I Liked...
Good topic Good flow Good wording Great ending :D
Questions/Confusions...
--none--
Editing...
You Wrote: "the Front Lines." Capitalize the--you wrote it the first time as The Front Lines
Overall Impression...
Once again, scripts/plays are something I don't dabble in but I liked the topic and flow of this one. I loved the surprise of the wife calling in at the end! That was so sweet.
Please, please, please remember that what follows is MY opinion. You don't have to listen to it.
Your Work's Title: The Door
What I Liked...
good flow good writing/word choice real situations good pace
Editing...
You Wrote: "...hair is done and dresses very well." comma after done
You Wrote: "...on the ceiling, from when.." no comma
You Wrote: "...we get paid, whenever that is." comma into semicolon
You Wrote: "...livingroom..." two words i believe
Overall Impression...
I thought you did very well on taking a simple/common problem and makign it your own. I have never read script before, mostly beacuse they speak and the action is written at the same time so it distracts me, but i liked this a lot.
Please, please, please remember that what follows is MY opinion. You don't have to listen to it. You asked for a review via my Review Request page so here I am.
Your Work's Title: The Thin Line
What I Liked...
Awesome title/description. Had me immediatly! Great topic Great flow Great wording Great emotions--make the reader feel and you did that!
Questions/Confusions...
----NONE!---
Editing...
You Wrote: "They never had enough to eat, they were always hungry." Make the comma a semicolon
Overall Impression...
I thought this was a very good, sad, and emotional piece that makes the reader "touch" you or you touch them. It was sad, heartfelt. I can recall tiems when I said the same thing about my father; my father acts the same way, trust me. And it was difficult to grow up with that. BUT, you did an amazing job and it's very well writen!
Please, please, please remember that what follows is MY opinion. You don't have to listen to it. Having entered my contest, The Lucky Ducky Contest, you will recieve a review of your piece.
Your Work's Title: Lucky Ducky Identity Crisis
What I Liked...
I like the title good imagery good wording entertaining funny
{e:thumbsup: My fave part was the last line.
Questions/Confusions...{e:frown}
if it's long distance/out of state number, how does it take only a half hour to get there? pretty close huh?
Editing...
You Wrote: ".., at which point it immediately begins to laps hungrily at the fake cheese coating my hairy fingers." beings to laps hungirly? reword...
You Wrote:"It's snoutish nose tuns towards..." tuns-->turns
Overall Impression...
It was a very enjoyable piece that I liked a lot! You took the prompt somewhere I didn't expect it to go. Over all you did an awesome job that was entertaining, fun, chilling, and enthralling! Good job!
Please, please, please remember that what follows is MY opinion. You don't have to listen to it.
Your Work's Title: The Hitchhiker
What I Liked...
Amazingly well written. I love how you show the thought process of your narrator. Great details, SHOW don't tell was really well done here. FEEL was great here as well, you made me feel as I was reading it. I felt the excitment, the hate, the sadness, the regret. Great job!
Editing...
You Wrote: "I run up to the shinny car..." shinny-->shiny
You Wrote: "My best fun loving easy smile is the..." comma after best, loving. hyphen fun and loving
You Wrote: "...sensual desires, this will be so easy." change your coma to a semicolon
You Wrote: "...a jolt though me..." through
You Wrote: "...as I approuch the point.." approach
You Wrote: "...all the pain, I have caused, right back.." remove the commas
Overall Impression...
You did an awesome job with this! It's a well written, slightly sad/disturbing tale but a good one at that! Great job!
Here are my GPs! Somebody on this site obviously loves me enough to give me an anonymous gift that was more than enough to cover my expenses for this contest!
Please remember the following is soely my opinion. I am not here to offend or hurt you in anyway, just to share with you my thoughts on your piece.
Your piece title: At the Mall
What I Liked...
Good story idea, easy flow. You did well on the "show don't tell" can created feelings that the reader, aka me, could feel and actually placed myself in Brandy's position. I liked this line, it provided a good visual: "...she ran twisting and turning between the kiosks like a wild rabbit trying to elude a hungry hound."
What I Didn't Like Or Corrections...
You wrote:"Oh, yes, and believe me, I'm going to be watching for him too. As she walked through the parking lot beside the guard, she thought, I'm going to be a lot more aware of whoever is, or isn't, around.
My suggestion: Add a quotation behind "too" and a comma before it.
I felt the ending came too soon or that it was rushed.
Thank you for allowing me to read your work. I really enjoyed it. Please remember these were just my opinions and you can ignore them if you choose so!
I like it very much. You started off with a real attention grabber and the rest is too. You did a good job on visuals, showing not tellling, and keeping it real, relatable.
All in all a heart racing, action packed, good write! keep it up!
Good write. US as been arrogant since it was created and it just gets dumber and dumber as time passes on. I like that you did the behind closed doors. It was a good point added about the lies that are created and such when US government is in private.
Good write!
You did a really good job of showing Allion's excitement--I found myself getting more excited every time she did! It flowed really well and you wrote it well too!
Good write!
Haha great job on the waking up after having a good dream before it can go anywhere really good!
The only part that bugs me is the "turning off the alarm clock" I don't know why...seems like it was just thrown on there...No effence! It's just my opinion and please feel free to ignore it!
A really sweet and romantic piece that clearly shows your love for that woman...
My favorite line is: "The stars, guiding our evening passage
Amid dark, moonlit skies and cool, wispy air;
Our purpose to spend the night holding hands..."
It's really easily and beautfully written.
Keep up the great writing!
A very sad and emotional piece. Although it can bring much healing in knowing that your mother and aunt are in heaven and happy instead of suffering here. As much as you miss them, you'll see them agan someday and that can be very helpful in healing.
I like the contrast of being in the dream and feeling your mother and aeverythign to waking up inher absence.
Good write!
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A really emotional, sad, and hopeful piece. It's always interesting to see a writer use their most emotional times in writing. You've done it really well.
Two things I wondered about in your poem:
"Please put and end to my anguish filled sorrow"
-->should it be put AN end?
"Why is our home seem like the last place you want to see?"
--->should it be Why does? I didn't like this line for some reason..
Otherwise a great write!
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I think you have a good idea for a story but it's kinda..."empty" or bare...
You didn't put any...feeling into the story. In my opinion it was like you rushed it.
I think if you were to put more detail, feeling, etc into it, you could develop it into a much better story.
If you would like help wrtiting it or editing or anything I'd be glad to help! As I said, it's a good idea/story line so far, but you need to add in the detials and feeling to make it better!
Very sweet and well written! Whoever your friend is I am sure they loved helping you!
Anyway! Great write! i love the gentle kiss part! Heck, I love the whole thign!
I only rated it a four because, and this is my opionion--feel free to ignore me, but it was hard to read, to follow at times.
It's a good story line, don't get me wrong.
But if you break up the paragraphs where needed and give the speakers a seperate paragraph it would definitly be better!
Also, since the first part is a dream...maybe italizize it or something since you go from having the MC in narrating and then not.
That always helps when I write!
Anyway, just my opiinion. And like I said it is good otherwise.
So sad...Sad when money/greed/power come in between two lovers. Especially one who obviously had loved the other very much. I love how you encorportated the song through out the story, espescially between his thoughts. It was like I was sitting right there on the porch.
I really like it! Good job!
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What I Liked...
Great description under the title.
Questions/Confusions...
--none--
Editing...
You Wrote: "Crash!" Maybe italize it or something to give it more...meaning. Could even change its font or size too..
Your piece title:
What I Liked...
Good story idea, easy flow.
You wrote:"Oh, yes, and believe me, I'm going to be watching for him too. As she walked through the parking lot beside the guard, she thought, I'm going to be a lot more aware of whoever is, or isn't, around.