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42 Public Reviews Given
43 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by The Lone One
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear TheWriter,

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Before I begin I wish to remind you that anything I say or suggest in this review is my opinion.

*NoteG*Initial Analysis:
*Check*Title:
Family Reunion: Chapter 1
From this title, there can be potentially almost infinite possibilities as to the direction or thrust of the story. For example, it could be a comedic story in which the family get together stars some strange or possibly forgetful aunts, uncles or grandparents, or it could be a children's type "Disney" story in which there is a big bad aunt/uncle/relative and the children, whom would be protagonists, have to try and survive and not alert their parents, who obviously would not understand. There are literally way too many possibilities to cover them all, so I will just move on to discover for myself *Smile*
*CheckB*Narration type:
1st Person, using I/me/my/us/etc. Not "God" type seeing as protagonist is unable to fathom the exact thought processes of others, nor able to know what everyone's doing at any possible moment in time.
*CheckG*Narrator:
An Irish Child, as mentioned in the introductory type paragraph characterized by the italicized red font.
*CheckR*Setting:
Setting is presumably at home, since protagonist and family is sleeping, or was sleeping, and the plastic suitcase presumably symbolizes that they are taking a trip somewhere, which, in this context, is presumably somewhere to have a family gathering.
*CheckV*Other Notes:
First chapter of a weekly-release-type story.

*NoteR*In depth Analysis:
*BurstB*Corrections:
Corrections are jumbled together with the Suggestions because it's hard to separate them well.
*BurstG*Suggestions:
*X* Dear readers, this is a weekly story. I will try to release a chapter every wenesday. Their will be 7 chapters in total. This is chapter 1. Stay tuned!
*Check* Dear readers,
This is the first chapter in a seven chapter story. New chapters are to be added weekly on each Wednesday. Stay tuned!

*Info* Here I suggest getting rid of most of the redundancy and extra wording and make it short, simple, and straight to the point. I also put the "Dear readers" line as a separate line altogether because I feel that it would have a stronger impact if it resembled a "Letter to the reader" rather than just a floating green italicized statement.

*X*If some expressions are not understood, and aren't explained, feel free to contact me.
*Check*If some expressions are not understood, and are not explained, feel free to contact me.
*Info*Minor adjustment here; you use both "are not" and "aren't" back-to-back - I think it would be better if you just stuck to either one or the other.

*X*I heard the floor crack. I slowly opened one eye, then the other.
*Check*I heard the floor creak. Sleepily, I crack open one eye, followed slowly by the other.
*Info*I'm actually not quite sure about this one... I'll leave it to your judgment *Smile*

*X*His body raised and lowered, along with a gentle, low snore.
*Check*His chest rose and fell, accompanied by gentle snoring.
*Info*It is technically incorrect to say that the body raised and lowered... Because the entire body doesn't float and sink with each sleeping breath. The only part that is affected with the breathing is the chest, and it rises and falls, not lowered. Just a little distinction *Smile*

*X*People whispered below, stuffs were moved around. I knew what it was, we been preparing this in weeks.
*Check*People whispered below, and the noise of stuff being moved around could be heard. I knew what it was; we had been preparing for this for weeks.
*Info* Okay, for here there was some issues with clarity and bad sentence structuring. Firstly, a grammatical error: "stuffs being moved around" is incorrect. I suggested a possible solution to this above. Also, the comma in the second sentence should be a semi-colon, as the second fragment is a separate sentence that is closely related to the first.

*X*I made sure to be fully awakened.
*Check*I made sure I was fully awake.
*Info*Not smooth and incorrect phrasing here - I fixed it for you.

*X*My brother moved a bit, but he stayed in his dreams, he really doesn’t have a clue about what is about to happen.
*Check*My brother moved a bit, but he stayed in his dreams. He really doesn’t have a clue about what is about to happen.
*Info*Should be separated into two separate sentences.

*X*The door violently opened, the light briskly filled the room.
*Check*Light filled the room as the door was ripped open.
*Info* Not quite the right wording here. I made a suggestion, but feel free to modify it a little.

*X*My brother opened and frowned his eyes, and he made a nearly inaudible moan to show his disapproval of the situation.
*Check*My brother opened his eyes and frowned. He made a nearly inaudible moan to show his disapproval of the situation.
*Info*Alright... Eyes do not and can not frown! Perhaps this was simply a typo, but be careful with you personification haha. And it'd work better I believe if you split it into two separate sentences.

*X*...she urged me to get down stairs, and not to “just stay here doing nothing.”
*Check*...she urged me to get down stairs instead of “just staying here doing nothing.”
*Info*Minor fix here.

*X*His face was red, the suitcase was full, shirts hanged and books fell.
*Check*His face was red, and the suitcase was full, with some shirts even hanging off and some books scattered across the floor.
*Info*Alright, the wording here was quite messy... I smoothed things out for you a little.

*X*My dad raised his finger and placed it on his mouth.
*Check*My dad raised his finger and placed it in his mouth.
*Info*Did you mean placed it IN his mouth? As in sucking the finger to make it feel better?

*X*While doing this, my lid fell halfway, my head stung a little.
*Check*While doing this, my lid closed halfway, and my head hung a little.
*Info*Not sure if this was what you were going for, but it makes more sense and flows much smoother.

*X*I reached for the cereals and served myself a bowl.
*Check*I reached for the cereal and served myself a bowl.
*Info*Cereal shouldn't be pluralized as you are talking about just one box.

*X*He looked at me straight in the eyes; he bent his elbow and brought the box to his side.
*Check*He looked at me straight in the eyes. Bending his elbow, and he brought the box to his side.
*Info*It'd be better if you separated this into two separate sentences.

*X*I, immediately after, I felt his leg reached for mine, but dad got glimpse of it.
*Check*Right away, I felt his leg reach for mine, but dad caught him in the act.
*Info*Another suggestion here... Doesn't really sound right the way you had it; I think this one is a bit smoother.

*X*I knew I’ll have to pay for that later.
*Check*I knew I’d have to pay for that later.
*Info*Keep things in the same tense!!!

*BurstO*Typos:
Included in the Suggestions Section as well.

*BurstP*Moral of the Story:
No moral is yet introduced, as this is just the first part of a seven chapter series. So N/A for now.

*BurstR*Other Notes:
Lots of potential here. The characters are well developed and seem quite lifelike. It seems like Angus is either a) The spoiled younger child who's used to getting what he wants or b) The elder child who likes to tease and annoy his younger brother. The father seems flustered and not very patient, quick to explode, so to speak. The mother seems stressed and easily annoyed. Shouting is generally a good indication of disorganization too. The protagonist is pitiable, and easy to sympathize with. Other than waking up and eating cereal, along with a narrowly prevented conflict against Angus, nothing really happened yet.

*NoteB*Final Analysis/Overall:
*Info*What I Liked:
The character development.

*InfoB*Errors:
A lot of grammatical mistakes and badly phrased sentences. See the suggestions section for detailed breakdown.

*InfoBR*What I disliked:
The fact that it's the first part and I can't as yet read on to find out what and if something happens.

*InfoG*Breakdown of the Rating:
                             
|PART  A:              |
|CONTENT:        4/5|
|IMPACT:           4/5|
|CHARACTERS: 5/5|
|PLOT:               4/5|
|OVERALL:       17/20|
                             
|PART   B:              |
|VOCAB:            4/5|
|GRAMMAR:       3/5|
|TYPOS:             4/5|
|STRUCTURE:     3/5|
|OVERALL:        14/20|
                        
|SUMMARY:     |
|PART A:    17/20|
|PART B:    14/20|
|OVERALL: 31/40|
|OVERALL:  4/5|

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me; I'd be more than happy to explain something or help with something.

All the best,

~Kev

This review was on the behalf of:
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
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#1300305 by Maryann
2
2
Review of Do Not Go Gently  
Review by The Lone One
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Early,

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Before I begin I wish to remind you that anything I say or suggest in this review is my opinion.

*NoteG*Initial Analysis:
*Check*Title:Do Not Go Gently
Meaning: This is a horror genre story. The "Do not go" part I take to mean do not go with them, the ones that "Come at night".
*CheckB*Narration type:Third Person
*CheckG*Narrator:Lumen, a little girl who can see the night terrors.
*CheckR*Setting:In Lumen's room, with mention of parent's room, and of bathroom.
*CheckV*Other Notes:A short story, horror genre. Characters seem to be Lumen, the Raging One, and the Dying One.

*NoteR*In depth Analysis:
*BurstB*Corrections:
To anyone else the Dying One was a 10 year old boy.
Her eyes met the glowing golden gaze of Dying One.
I notice that you refer to Dying One as both that, and as "the Dying One"... Which is it? *Pthb*

To anyone else the Dying One was a 10 year old boy.
To anyone else, the Dying One was a 10 year old boy.
Missing a comma here *Smile*

He was the one she's seen in the mirror and he did bad things.
He was the one she saw in the mirror. He did bad things.
Just a little smoother like that this I find.

Sometimes he told her about what he did when the lights went out to the other ones who could see them.
Sometimes, he told her about what he did when the lights went out to the other ones who could see them.
Comma missing.

He took them all, and sometimes he ate them up.
He took them all, and sometimes, he ate them up.
A comma would make it a little tidier *Smile*

Other-times he took their light away so they stayed with him in the night forever.
Other times, he took their light away so they would stay with him in the night forever.
Other times shouldn't be hyphenated, and you missed a comma, and I cleaned up the ending.

It was loneliness that was making him sick and she was the only one who could save him.
It was loneliness that was making him sick, and she was the only one who could save him.
A missing comma

“If you do not come with me tonight I’ll die.”
“If you do not come with me tonight, I’ll die.”
Another comma missing here

If he died then she’d be alone with the Raging One forever.
If he died, then she’d be alone with the Raging One forever.
If/Then sentences are separated with a comma right before the then.

*BurstG*Suggestions:Including with the corrections *Smile*

*BurstO*Typos:None found

*BurstP*Moral of the Story:A horror story... The moral would be to never trust a stranger, or to never sleep without a plastic pumpkin light beside you *Wink*

*BurstR*Other Notes:Very well written, gripping, and slightly terrifying; all in all, an excellent piece! *Smile*

*NoteB*Final Analysis/Overall:
*Info*What I Liked:The story was amazingly told. Absolutely fantastic!
*InfoB*Errors:Quite a few missing commas *Frown*
*InfoBR*What I disliked:It was done way too fast.. too short *Pthb*
*InfoG*Breakdown of the Rating:
                             
|PART  A:              |
|CONTENT:        5/5|
|IMPACT:           5/5|
|CHARACTERS: 5/5|
|PLOT:               5/5|
|OVERALL:       20/20|
                             
|PART   B:              |
|VOCAB:            5/5|
|GRAMMAR:       3/5|
|TYPOS:             5/5|
|STRUCTURE:     5/5|
|OVERALL:        18/20|
                        
|SUMMARY:     |
|PART A:    20/20|
|PART B:    18/20|
|OVERALL: 38/40|
|OVERALL:  5/5|

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me; I'd be more than happy to explain something or help with something.

All the best,

~Kev

This review was on the behalf of:
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann
3
3
Review by The Lone One
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Jill,

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Before I begin I wish to remind you that anything I say or suggest in this review is my opinion.

*NoteG*Initial Analysis:
*Check*Title: With Bodies Entwined
Meaning derived: Possibly referring to the sexual meaning, that is having two people's bodies really closely entwined during the act, or it could refer to simply two people who love each other absolutely, desperately. They are so close that body and mind are intertwined with each other's, such that each compliments the other. Like they were MADE for each other.
*CheckB*Narration type:First Person
*CheckG*Narrator:Author, Jill.
*CheckR*Setting: N/A
*CheckV*Other Notes:Free Verse poem, with two observable verses. Excellent vocabulary is seen upon initial sweep of the poem. Told in the first person, so presumed that this poem is personal to the author. No observable punctuation nor commas, colons, or semicolons.

*NoteR*In depth Analysis:
*BurstB*Corrections: I do not believe in correcting poetry.. It is usually quite personal and would lose its meaning if I started changing things dramatically... will stick with suggestions *Smile*

*BurstG*Suggestions:
I want to walk the rivers edge
With your hand holding mine
I want to walk the rivers edge,
Your hand clasping mine.

Just a suggestion *Smile* I added a comma and a punctuation, as well as changing that second line... Its up to you though if you like it

I want to stare up at the stars that shine
As we fall asleep, bodies entwined
I want to gaze up at the stars shining so bright,
As sweet slumber takes over, our bodies entwined.

Just a small modification *Smile* Once again, only a suggestion..

To feel your touch against my skin
It brings a warmth I could never let in
To feel your touch against my skin,
It brings a warmth I could never let in.

This is really nice *Smile* I only added a comma and punctuation here..

All that I could never show you before
Is all that I now feel
All that I could never show you before
Is all that I now feel.

Nicely done *Smile* Very clear, concise... and brimming with emotion!

It scorches my throat and burns my eyes
In realizing all I’d done to myself
It scorches my throat and burns my eyes,
that realization of my self-inflicted sorrow.

Second line there was a little unclear..

Was lie
All this misery, this pain;
All because of a lie.

Not sure what that line was for... but I tried to elaborate myself *Smile*

The warmth, the chills that you send down my spine
The truth I could never come to find
The chills that you send down my spine,
Prevented the truth from being realized.

Just a little suggestion *Smile*

There’s a light at the end
But my eyes were never open to see
There’s a light at the end,
But my eyes were always closed.

Maybe like this? *Smile*

No changes on that second verse... I love it *Smile*

Note: All these suggestions are just that... suggestions *Smile* Feel free to use them, or not... Its your decision *Smile*

*BurstO*Typos: None.

*BurstP*Meaning: Regret... That seems to be the main theme of this poem

*BurstR*Other Notes: An excellent subject topic, and excellent writing! *Smile* There were only a few problems, but those are easily fixed... Good job! *Smile*

*NoteB*Final Analysis/Overall:
*Info*What I Liked:The Topic, the style you wrote this
*InfoB*Errors:Lack of punctuation... And stare should be gaze... sounds nicer *Smile*
*InfoBR*What I disliked:N/A
*InfoG*Breakdown of the Rating:
                             
|PART  A:              |
|CONTENT:        5/5|
|IMPACT:           5/5|
|CHARACTERS: 4/5|
|PLOT:               4/5|
|OVERALL:       18/20|
                             
|PART   B:              |
|VOCAB:            4/5|
|GRAMMAR:       3/5|
|TYPOS:             4/5|
|STRUCTURE:     3/5|
|OVERALL:        14/20|
                        
|SUMMARY:     |
|PART A:    18/20|
|PART B:    14/20|
|OVERALL: 32/40|
|OVERALL:  4/5|

Excellently done! Again, if you have any questions, I'd be happy to help! *Smile*

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me; I'd be more than happy to explain something or help with something.

All the best,

~Kev

This review was on the behalf of:
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann
4
4
Review of Spring Break  
Review by The Lone One
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Zachary,

This is a Power Review! *Smile*

Before I begin I wish to remind you that anything I say or suggest in this review is my opinion.

*NoteG*What I Liked:
-my god... This story is excellently written! It's a terribly tragic story though... Very tragic indeed.
-the last line was heart wrenching almost... So close yet so far...
-you could really feel the emotion!
-beautiful alternation between long, descriptive sentences with really short ones - adds a lot of emphasis

*NoteR*Suggestions/Corrections:
                   Slowly, as slowly as possible, I get up off the dirty mattress, Inching my hands out far enough apart on what I know to be a very creaky wooden floor so that I can lift myself up.
Slowly, with infinite care, I get up off the dirty mattress. I inch my hands out far apart on what I know to be a very creaky wooden floor and carefully lift myself up.
You repeated slowly twice, almost consequetively, so I suggest this variant to lose the redundancy.

...chance to register what is happening, but if I stay it is only a matter of hours, maybe days, but no more then that.
...chance to register what is happening, but if I stay then it's only a matter of time. Maybe hours, or even days, but no more than that.
I think that it's a little cleaner like this *Smile*

*NoteB*Overall:
I really liked the story.. It was sad, tragic and very dark, and yet you wrote it in a way where I couldn't stop reading! Bravo!
I rate this a 4.5/5 because there was some times where the phrasing was a little iffy *Frown* but on the whole, amazing! *Smile*

All the best,

~Kev

This review was on the behalf of:
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann
5
5
Review of END OF DEPRESSION  
Review by The Lone One
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Riddick,

This is a Power Review!

Before I begin please note that everything in this review is simply one man's opinion - I want only to help, but you have no obligation to listen to me! *Smile*

-->What i Liked:
-I can fairly well relate to this topic: I talked about it in my poem Silent Rain if you want to check that out *Smile*
-Very simple, easy to read (vocabulary wise)

--> Suggestions and Corrections:
-Life is so un-fair and yet i dont understand why
*Life is so unfair, and yet I don't understand why.
unfair is not hyphenated, and i added punctuation.

-love is pain and pain is love but can my pains all turn to love?
*Love is pain and pain is love, but can I turn all my pains to love?
Restructured entire second half of the sentence because the flow was terrible

-The burden in my heart is so heavy I just cant carry it all on own, so I broke down in tears
*The burden in my heart is so heavy that i just can't carry it all on my own, so I broke down in tears.
A few additions and corrections

-I stare towards the sky hoping to find a solution to my problems, yet solutions are not forth coming
*I stare upwards at the sky, hoping to find a solution to my problems. Nothing happens.
I changed the ending a bit, but its your call

-Sometimes I just wish death will find me and just take me away from all this
*Sometimes I just wish death would find me and take me away from all this.
Minor adjustments

-The pain is so unbearable it burns deep down my soul
*The pain is unbearable; it burns deep into my soul.
A few tweaks

-I am so confused it feels like my head will explode, so I pick up a gun and 'click' goes the trigger.....
*I am so confused... It feels like my head will explode. I pick up a gun and 'click' goes the trigger...
Minor additions

Sorry it was so long! So the breakdown i suppose is:

----------------------
Style: 3.5/5 |
Grammar: 3/5 |
Content: 4.5/5 |
------------------- |
Overall: 3.5/5 |
-----------------------

Great job and keep writing! Just make sure to take grammar into consideration - it makes reading it a whole lot easier!

All the best,

~Kev

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#1300305 by Maryann
6
6
Review by The Lone One
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Phobos & Deimos,

I honestly loved this! It's so lighthearted and whimsical... the story was great! Although i can't really read this story with any attempt at serious understanding or analysis, although i'm pretty sure that over-analyzing this story wasn't your goal. All in all, a great and fun story! Congratulations!!
Keep writing!

All the best,

~Kev
7
7
Review by The Lone One
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear BBWOLF,

This is very sweet! I can tell that this Kathy means a lot to you... And the fact that you don't know anything about her looks shows that the love is pure and true, not based on the physical... I noticed that things always work much better when you get to know someone - the real them - without getting distracted by how they look... I really hope that you will be able to see her or talk to her again...
Really short and sweet, but convey's your emotions really well! Kudos to you! Keep Writing!!

All the best,

~Kev
8
8
Review of FOREVER  
Review by The Lone One
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Dykie,

Congratulations on an amazing piece of writing. There is much insight, and a very well thought out understanding of the concept of forever. Reading this, i can't help but imagine what it'd be like... And yet, when i do, i shudder. I cannot bear to even consider such a long life... Already, my days are filled with pain and suffering... I would not want to live long - too much sorrow would weigh down my shoulders. I like the peculiar twist you added of how the machine starts understanding and becoming more and more human as time passes... it shows that nothing is meant to last.

Great work and keep writing!!!

All the best,

~Kev
9
9
Review by The Lone One
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
First of all: I loved reading this.
At times, it made me chuckle... others, it made me sad. They say a great story is able to evoke strong emotions from its readers - although this was quite short, the particular style in which you wrote it truly lets it stand apart. This is definitely one story that i will not regret reading.. I noticed a few, a very very few grammatical errors, but they're so small as to be considered insignificant. Keep writing!!!

~Kev
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