I love it! It flows so very well. I can see it all-from Nancy walking in and the looks on the boys faces to the look on the headmasters face when he sent her home. I feel the camraderie between the girls when they all walk in the next day, skirts ripped to find each girl has done the same.
Oh my! How very sad! My heart broke for Jonathan long before the accident with the garbage disposal. Having been called names and knowing the pain of not being enough for a parent or other loved one...but losign his dream, feeling that loss almost made me cry.
There were times tht I felt like it was going on too long..and yet you pulled me in and I wanted to know..just had to know what happened.
Very cute...makes me wonder if that's what has happened to my socks. LoL. I think that children would be delighted by this poem and would giggle when reading it, thinking of the fun they themselves could have if they were invisible.
What a wonderfully informative piece! A few suggestions..feel free to take them or leave them.
Under the punishment model, there wa -should be was
I had a good friend who was a practicing Christian who lost a friend who was a young man.-I would rewrite this to get rid a who or two..ex...-I had a good friend, a practicing Christian, that lost a young male friend. *I know that needs some work also, but it's less repetitive.
I would change the period in the last sentence to an exclamation point..put some feeling behind it.
You make a great case for Christianity and grant your reader a wonderful testimony.
This is a very powerful piece of writing reminding us not to judge one another. it flows very nicely and speaks to my heart.
One thing..you said "Where are your accusers my daughter? He said, they have gone and left us alone.
Jesus asks her where are your accusers my daughter....I'm not sure if your He said is to follow that sentence...or the next...because it was the accused that said they all left...at least if you are referencing this to the bible. Even if you get rid of the comma after He said....and capitalize the T in they ..it will make it less confusing.
This is an awesome piece of work! I'm not surprised it won first place in the contest. It is sweet and sad, full of hope and joy and fear. The pictures you've shared within your words are marvelous and I can't imagine a way to make this story any better.
Very interesting start to a story...I would love to know more...find out what happens in the relationship, where it goes. How the yard work goes or whether they go out.
I can feel the nerves of the phone conversation. Even though I've been married for years, I smile at the stuttered conversation and remember some of my own.
Very interesting point of view. I wish I could make my characters behave and not act so stiffly. It takes time and experience I know. Your piece was very informative. Thank you for sharing
What an aweseome piece! It tells a wonderful, yet truly human story. We all tend to walk this path and each time we tread in sin and ask for forgiveness, God does indeed wash it away. And then we do something else. But it doesn't end there...because there are still repercussions, other people it effects...guilt we feel.. You represent here all that we walk and the beauty and the joy that occurs when God grants grace.
It's a good story and it was interesting to read but there were SO many details it made it hard to keep interested...I wanted to read to the end but the amount of details made it hard to stay focused on the story. You showed me well instead of told me but in my opinion it needs to be tightened up a bit. Other than that it looks good and is a great story line.
What an awesome experience...both intimate and majestic in nature. I can feel the frustration in being pulled away...I can join in with the giggles at the wind. I can smell the leaves and my own husbands aftershave...thank you for the sensory experience.
Sounds like a very sad existence. I see no spelling mistakes. Also, you keep switching from you to I and back again. I believe this is a good start to a very important issue in our society. You bring raw emotion in to this and that gives it depth. I'm not very good with the grammar, but someone who is could really help you tighten this up and make it awesome.
This is a very sweet story and reminds me of the stumbling and bumbling I did at this age. You said "And I’m forcing my way through the throng of people gathered around me, eyes downcast on the white tile, staring down until I crash into another boy;" I wonder if you meant AS instead of AND.
Other than that it looks great to me
blessings
Vicky
WOW! That gave me goosebumps! I'm not very big on poetry, I don't write it or read it much. But you did an awesome job tell the story in poetry form! High emotion, makes me want to give that little girl a hug! I see no spelling or grammar mistakes. I personally might start the second to last sentence with A and drop the and..but it's fine the way it is. That's just me.
This is a wonderful begining to this story. You bring the reader in, give enough history to make it interesting and informative of where the character has been and then you lead them towards wanting to know more. I noticed no spelling or grammar mistakes and can't wait to read more of the story!
Very awesome! This had me in fear for her life..and say Oh sh*t to myself, glued to the moniter. It also is one that speaks of the hope and the help that can be found once you do find the courage to leave. This has great potential to speak to those who need it the most. Keep writing! You have a wonderful gift
"Blindly I gropd fir the switch in the dark.
It continues to shreak that it's monring time.
Hard as I tried, I could not reach my mark.
Being up this early is truly a crime."
misspellings-(groped) (for) (shreek) (morning).
also, Today's=possesive...should be today is-Today's isn't a contraction.
Other than that it's a cute poem and I can see myself doing the same thing. Keep writing! You do it well
AWesome! I'm blessed to have read it. I'm still working on what God wants for my life..at least in some respects. Thank you for sharing your writing. You are gifted. I would have loved to know your grandma. Esther is one of my favorite women of the bible...
SO What happened next? lol..
Nice piece of writing. Thank you for sharing a part of your story with us. I see no spelling errors. What an awesome piece of your grandmother to have to hold onto..
I loved this puzzle! It was not toooo easy but was not too hard either. There were a few of them that I didn't know who they were but I can look them up and learn something new. 1 suggestion though. Would have been more interesting if there had been a few more diagonals or backwards items.
thanks
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lol..