Hi Krystal, I just read this and had some thoughts, mostly about
word usage and not saying what you want.
You need your reasons to why you're feeling so abused, <~~hard to read
I know they're coming I'm just feeling so confused. <~~ 2 wordy, lose “I know and I’m just”, fill with something stronger! Because you are a guy that's entered my life, <~~ this and next line together don’t work – you are saying that - because he entered your life, you can see that he... –thats not what you mean to convey *
I Saw from the start that you cut like a knife.
You've embedded yourself deep into my soul, Try: You are embedded now, part of my soul.
You are what I need to fill in this hole. add comma after “need”
Within you burns strong, illuminating light,
Guiding my passion, through the dark of the night.
Why did you want her? She may have taken my place. <~~What do you really want to say?
I ignored the sadness caught up in your face. <~~try: transforming
My reasons for this are undefined,
I couldn't ready myself. My love is so blind.
Now you lead the way to my despised depression.
Just forget me, I'm hated, I see through your discretion.
*11 syllables in this line and the next try something like:
I’m unused to a guy barnstorming my life,
Felt your soul pierce me like a new sharpened knife
There is a lot more that can improve this. It is a very nice idea, and well thought out.
But the words don’t seem to convey all they should. I hope you work on this some, it could be an exceptional piece. Keep on writing, it looks like you will be a very good writer, your idea is conveyed, and you use grammar to your advantage, solid start.
Had a question about this line...
"His branches would let light through"....what tree has branches that dont? is this HIS light thats coming through?
Agnie, you gave me my first W.com review almost 2 months ago, thanks! I hope I can repay the debt of gratitude I owe you for stepping up to the plate and reviewing a newbie.
I hate saying goodbye. This is a great moment to capture. With a little work, this could be a very good read.
It could use a bit better punctuation.
The read is bumby, not as smooth as it should be - and that usually comes from words that don't fit, or a forced rhyme scheme. I believe this has both.
It is a good journey, I hope you choose to polish this.
Mark R
iammark301
Number Six:
You constantly coin Sponge Bobisms so now your friends have dubbed you ‘Sponge Bob Clever Pants”.
yeah, coffee on my computer screen, BIG laugh - thanks.
But seriously - I have a friend who is a pediatric OT, and she tells me a large portion of Autistic children
are Spone Bob Fanatics, to the point where they will correct a misquote or get mad if something isn't portayed correctly.
But this list is funny and I can almost see it happening. Great piece of humor.
Mark R
iammark301
Im over the top into 5.0 land becasue you credited the source, and added links. Exceptionaly cool
Ok, this is a good rant. It has a lot to say, and makes the point pretty well.
It does seem to slip back and forth in rythem, and almost go from lyrics back to prose/poetry.
I felt like I was on a four-wheel-drive outing on a sled with no shocks.
But the emotion and story are extremely raw and strong. I wish I could offer suggestions for a tempo,
but it would really have to come from the one feeling the words.
good luck, and thanks for the read - it was intereting
Mark R
iammark301
You need to write lyrics.
You're very talented at drawing a line, and decscribing it in a unique way. Not many ever achieve
the vision of seeing emotions and events as words, or feeling the words and phrases as you see them. I'm stunned by this work. I cannot wait to go sniff around your port.
Really "I slip the boundries from day to day" - just brilliant. I love that line.
(just one typo I found. First line of IN MARRIAGE point #1 "your really" should be "you really")
MORE FUNNY STUFF!! this is easy to read, and stated like a courtroom brief (I think?). Way to put things together.
Wish I had a few do-overs.
Mark R
iammark301
The tongue in cheek writing is well suited to the "I'm dealing with it" attitude of the text. I find no need for editing, the content is solid. I am drawn to the
insightful use of the funny bone to describe what you experience. This must be awful. Think it is time to stop making the bed?
Adding an explaination to this Acrostic was a great idea. The Acrostic itself is a great blend of the tennis and pain, as a tribute to the sport, and your feelings for it. Of course, I am so very sorry for the T.O.S. I hope your support network is strong, and may your bad days be few and far between.
I did not fillout your survey, as it is not for me.
I will however commend your insightful and quizative poll. It offers the ability to submit annonymously, allowing even those not comfotable sharing, a chance to participate. I would only hope that the information, once given is put towards a useful purpose.
Easy to understand, comprehensive, and has a disclaimer for the protection of the participants.
Very well done, a good example for others.
Mark R
iammark301
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