|As a write, you have a powerful voice. As regards the story, it will affect different people differently. From the stylistic point of view, I thought you've tried to merge a mystery/suspense theme with a spiritual theme. It is always difficult to make a smooth transition between styles and I felt that the latter part was not very convincingly (this is just my personal feeling).
There are some sentences in the story that may need attention due to grammar issues or use of punctuations (or these could be deliberate, you decide).
“I decided to just do it and get out quicklike. Just ripping off a band-aid.”
“This place had been spotless when I was a growing up.”
“I done gave you up for dead, I thought…”
“Everybody knows you's a damn liar Jimmy,”
“…because I knowed you was the devil's child…”
BTW, what did you mean by “The moon looked like a shit eating grin in the sky”?
Last but not least, there are some really vivid descriptions of scenes in the story. My favourite:
“The red sun was coming up over the pines, and I watched the scene zoom past the cracked glass window in a blur.”
Good luck with the contest!