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28 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Jaelynn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi nicely done poem

I have just a few minor comments:
& = and
I suggest the ellipses add nothing; remove them
thought/felt (use one or the other and remove the slash

I knew that I could

Be consistent: If you're going to use punctuation, use both commas and periods in the appropriate places.

Keep up the writing magic.

Jaelynn
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2
2
Review of Flying Joe  
Review by Jaelynn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
General impressions:
I ran across your story this morning as I looked for something to review. The title caught my eye, so I popped in.

Hook/opener: I like the first three paragraphs. They give a great description of the setting., but I believe you that rather than describing the setting, you could jump into the middle of the action. It took three paragraphs to find out Joe was jumping the fence for some reason.

I like the Douglas Adams quote. It fits into the action very well.

incorrect pronoun. A pronoun typically refers directly to the preceding noun. In this case, Joe. But I'm pretty sure you mean "the man" (aka Army).

Maybe it's just me, but I'm a little confused with the ending. I assume he's escaping something he started. I think it needs a bit more transition/lead in to a fire happening. If Joe started the incident, we should have some foreshadowing at least to help fill us in. Maybe even the title could give us a "hint."

Other wise, great job!!

Keep up the writing magic.

Jaelynn
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3
3
Review of One of Those Days  
Review by Jaelynn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I know that writing stories for daily contests doesn't give much time for a lot of review, but overall you've done a great job. Here are a few minor suggestions that you might consider:

A quick glance out my bedroom window revealed a full-on blizzard outside.
You could remove "outside" with no change to your sentence meaning.

I made my way to the kitchen and sat down
In the kitchen, I sat down...

“Click, click.”
Since this is not actual dialogue, I'd write
Click. Click. Nuts.

heat that is electric
electric heat

Plus a blizzard is raging outside.
I think we're already clear that the blizzard is still going on. Perhaps you culd simply add the word "still"
The blizzard is still raging...

there is a blizzard outside.
Maybe you could eliminate this repetition.

Great ending: a bottle of wine might be just the thing to forget the troubles of the day! *Smile*

Keep up the writing magic.

Jaelynn
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4
4
Review of The Granny  
Review by Jaelynn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
General impressions:

Nice story and good use of the prompts.

I know we're often in a rush to write daily prompt stores, but here are a few suggestions for you to consider that might enhance your story.

There was no way...
This is a passive construction; you could rewrite it to focus on the "doer" of the action"
No way was I going to...
OR
I was not going to...

It would help...
unclear antecedent
A pronoun typically refers to the most recent noun, but I don't think you're talking about the lab here. *Smile* Perhaps you need to clarify that it's you voice you're talking about.

ago, while
(comma unnecessary)

If you asked me.
Perhaps this could be part of the previous sentence. This threw me for a second and I wasn't sure what you were referring to.

them to be charming
You could remove "to be" and keep the sentence meaning.

the one time to make out point
...since the time I drove to make-out point...

"But grandma
Grandma (capitalized)
Same in instances of Grandpa when you specifically referring to "your Grandpa."
Same with Dad (used later)

Maggie's number but it went to voicemail
Could put a comma after number since the remainder of the sentence could stand alone as a complete sentence.

voicemail," it looked like she
voicemail(period)" It looked like she...

weren't enough," a tear fell
Same as above. ...enough." A tear fell...

some dort of grip
typo: sort

There are no brown haired models anymore
Passive construction.
Brown-haired models don't exist anymore.

anymore," Thankfully,
Period. New sentence again.

Keep up the writing magic.

Jaelynn
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5
5
Review of Friends  
Review by Jaelynn
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Rated: E | (4.0)

Nice story. I was expecting the story and pleased by the change of direction at the end. Try to be nice to someone and something always happens! LOL! *Smile*

A few punctuation/grammar issues:
My new husband Nick's sister was coming for a visit (no commas necessary)
We just clicked when we met. (reverse word order)
There was already (passive voice; how about) It held a bed but nothing else, so off to...
...impress my new sister. (a simple period would suffice here)
...knick-knacks to make it homey (no comma necessary)
...alergic to feathers (again, a simple period would suffice here)
...the marriage actually.

Keep up the writing magic.

Jaelynn
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6
6
Review by Jaelynn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
What a nice story. I look forward to the continuation. Magic gardens are always so awesome. *Smile* The voice is good too; so very like a child. Well done!

The main suggestion I have to improve this story is to revise the "passive constructions:" Sentences that start with
There is
There was

For example (just ideas; I'm sure you can come up with better wording),
There was a thick fog in this part of the garden.
A thick fog hid most of this part of the garden.
There were no flowers...
No flowers, garden gnomes or wind chimes graced this area of the garden.

Also some "telling verbs" could be revised.
She took one last look = After one final glance...
She heard a raspy voice = A raspy voice grated through the night air...

Otherwise, good job. This is a story that could be developed into a wonderful short story later on.

Keep up the writing magic.

Jaelynn
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7
7
Review by Jaelynn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice poem and a great take on the prompt. It fits nicely into the genre.
Your rhyming scheme is consistent! Nicely done.
The verse starting with "That man asks to have a life" need a period at the end to match the rest.
I like the change of "attitude" in the second to last verse—my favorite!


Keep up the writing magic.

Jaelynn
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8
8
Review of Visiting Grandma  
Review by Jaelynn
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Rated: E | (4.5)

I see this is an older story, but it showed up in the "Read & Review" page, so I went for it anyway.

What a lovely, yet sad story. These few moments create such a vivid image. Nicely done!

the disinfected smell of desperation
I stopped reading here, wondering if this should be
smell of disinfected desperation

Still, she held my hand.
Could you "beef this up" with something like
She continued to grip my had as though she'd never let it go.
(You might be under a word count restriction, I realize.)

As I looked into my grandmother’s eyes, I caught a glimpse
telling verb
In my grandmother's eyes, I glimpsed the woman...

Keep up the writing magic.

Jaelynn
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9
9
Review by Jaelynn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow, that's quite a "Lane!" I had no idea where you were headed but enjoyed reading on. I guess it's good he died happy and no pain.

One thing I might suggest is that lines that indicate the characters internal dialog could be italicized. For example, "Crazy old fart."

Keep up the writing magic!

-Jae


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10
10
Review by Jaelynn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Once again, no issues with grammar, punctuation, and dialogue flow.

For me, what is missing is emotions. The dialogue tells us quite a bit, but this young girl is putting herself in what could be, for most people, compromising situations. Tell me, as a reader, what she is feeling? What is she worried about? She comes across as a strong, very self-confident woman, and you tells us what she does, but what is going on in her head? She must worry more about Seto being perhaps abusive? Dominant? What does she expect and think about as she gets into these situations. What is it that she wants and how do her goals change throughout the story?

after ensuring that his alarm was set properly.

Do we find out what Laura wanted on the dance floor? Usually nothing happens without a reason in any story. But then, perhaps it becomes clear later. Maybe she was just about to offer the warning of the man in the red suit. It wasn't quite clear.

Anyway, overall good writing. Keep up the writing magic!

-J.


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11
11
Review of Escape.  
Review by Jaelynn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Whoa! This is a pretty heavy duty little story. Your descriptions really draw the reader into the helplessness and hopeless of the MC.

One small suggestion: Second paragraph, remove capital from homelessness. This is all one sentence, so the cap isn't needed.

Otherwise, great job.

Keep up the writing magic. I see you're a "newbie" too. I hope to see more of your writing in the coming days and that you enjoy your time on WDC.

Jaelynn


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12
12
Review by Jaelynn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey there!

First of all, I'm not familiar with fan fiction or Yu-Gi-Oh, so I can't comment on anything related to that, but lets see what I can comment on. Remember that these are suggestions only and as the doc owner it's up to you want to incorporate and what to ignore.

Grammar and punctuation overall are really good. Nice job there!

Dialogue rings true to life—very natural. I like that.

Otherwise, I found only a few things for you.

"communication" sounds a bit formal; could you simply use "text"

It was is a telling phrase when you should "show"
You could write something like
For their fifth date tonight, he had invited her...

I wonder if it might be helpful to introduce Marc in the first paragraph:
...from her boyfriend, Marc.

The tall, Filipino descendant of Genghis Khan strode towards her on the platform, a prince of this urban jungle.
misplaced modifier (a prince... modifies platform and I'm pretty sure that's not what you mean *Wink* You should probably move it to after Genghis Khan

Laura’s middle-aged features were smoothed by flawless makeup and an impeccably clean-cut Italian stood beside her chair.
the clean-cut Italian had nothing to do with her features. That part should be a separate sentence.

eat. it. up
I suggest ellipses here
eat... it... up. Then it's all one logic sentence.

Sharpie is a brand name and should be capitalized. (or say black marker)

I may have missed something, but when they're in the "hoity toity" dress store, how did Roland suddenly appear? Perhaps a bit of intro to his entrance might help??

I might suggest for another time... make your submissions shorter. 6000+ words is a lot to review in one session (for many people) at least.

Your writing is well done. I like how natural and easy it reads. Congrats.
Keep up the writing magic!

- Jaelynn



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