|I actually liked the metaphor. Of course I have heard the phrase "two love birds" before, but you managed to give it enough emotional weight to avoid my usual cringing at cliched phrases. I also enjoyed your use of language.
Matrimony. Blissful harmony. Spiritual ascent. Each of these brings to mind emotions of romanticized love, the type that poets talk about, a sort of purity. I think this is why I like the metaphor of the birds. This is a sort of innocent, almost holy, love. It was nicely conveyed.
In this poem it is the language and phrasing that conveys the emotions best. But I also think that you have fallen too in love with the sound of the poem and that clarity has suffered for it.
In the first stanza the "ocean and sky" reference, while it sounds lovely, it doesn't put a concrete image in my head. If anything it makes me wonder about exactly where these "lovers" are and what exactly are they in "close proximity" to?
In fact, in both the second and third stanzas the same sort of thing happens. "Distances," "grand designs," "tranquility and radiance," "saintly and gifted truth," all of these descriptions are abstractions. Abstractions are not necessarily bad, but they don't provide the reader with an image or feeling on which to focus.
It isn't as if I can't understand the feelings that you are trying to describe, but at the same time it doesn't quite ring true because the references are too general. Don't say "distances" when you could say "craggy peaks and wind swept deserts." Don't say "grand designs" when you could talk about the "circular motion of the stars" or the "persistent march of seasons." Don't say "saintly and gifted truth," when you can write about "two hearts beating in a perfect rhythm" or "two strings on a harp, vibrating at a perfectly resonating frequency."
It's a lovely poem that attempts to tackle a difficult subject. Just make it more personal, more specific, more real, and the content will rise to the level of the language. You have given us a canvas of language, but now it's time to paint the real picture in startling, life-like clarity.