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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jccauthon
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15 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Relanka
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First off, let me say thank you for sharing your work here on Writing.com. I also want to state that I have only read this portion so far, so if any of my questions are answered further on in the reading, then you can ignore them.

I loved this story. I was very quickly drawn in. Even though the story was about a Chosen One, which seems to be a popular trope for fantasy stories, I greatly enjoyed the fact that not everyone immediately loved her. In fact, most people probably hate her because she has everything she could ever wish for, and she knows it. She doesn't have a lot of admirable qualities. I do know that this will have to change late in the story for her to become a beloved hero, but it was nice to see the trope handled differently.

I do have to say that the final scene, the last six paragraphs, were a little confusing. I had to read it through slowly two or three times before I was able to figure out exactly what happened and to whom. It could have simply been because a lot of possessive nouns were missing their "'s", marked with a plain "s" instead, but those final paragraphs may need some editing to clarify what is truly happening.

All-in-all, a great story, and I am planning to read the rest.

Once again, thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Relanka
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Thank you for sharing your work with us here at Writing.com. First off, I'm assuming this is the beginning of a full-blown, over 30-chapter book, so take my input based off that notion. This section here is the first four chapters. By this point, we as the readers, should know where the story is going. We should be working up to the inciting event where the main character has to make a decision that will change their world forever, and I don't feel like we are anywhere close to that. Everything up to this point has been very "day in the life of Doshi," which can be a good thing, if you don't go overboard with it.

You have this hard-ass character who really isn't as tough as she appears to be. Most teenage girls are that way, so good job catching that character. What I would like to see as a reader is more of the "real" Doshi--the one we see at the end that is insecure about the way she is. And she spends all day putting on an act for everyone else around here--isn't that exhausting? Show some of that.

Another thing to consider here is that you have a lot of "overview" scenes. Where you go into the details is in the dialogue, and a lot of that feels superfluous. Dialogue needs to move the story forward, it needs to show us the characters. Readers don't need to read every "hey," "cool," or "ok." Try focusing on your dialogue by writing it out first like a screenplay. If you build strong dialogue that way, you can add in the description and the action in between the strong dialogue and build a strong story.

I do want to read more about Eudoxia, and I really am hoping that she gets to become a famous drummer.

Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope this review helps.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Dog  
Review by Relanka
Rated: E | (1.0)
I am going to assume that this was a test post to figure out how to post a static item here on Writing.com. I really am hoping that this is a gag piece, but either way, it is unique, to say the very least. Maybe you could have tried to spell dog out in ASCII or something to liven up the post a bit.
4
4
Review by Relanka
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing your work here on Writing.com. I enjoyed reading this poem. There is one rhyme in the next to last stanza that feels a bit forced ("rich" and "switch"), but the topic of the piece made it a great read for me. It reminded me of my Uncle Ed, who did not want to achieve great things as your main character did here, but he lived a simple life, doing remarkable things every day that to him were done simply out of the goodness of his heart. He was a surgeon post-WWII, and a fighter pilot during the war, so he combined those two skills together and became a "flying sawbones." He would get in his plane and fly to remote areas and prefer surgeries there if he had to--anything to heal the sick. We had to do his memorial and funeral in two separate shifts because there were too many people to get into the church or at the graveside.

Thank you for sharing your poem.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Score  
Review by Relanka
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this piece. It was comedic, although I fully expected it to be romantic or erotic from the first couple of paragraph. This guy picked this girl up expecting to get lucky, instead he got a pretty good fright. We never see the ex, but with the way he was beating on the door, even I would have seen him as a huge, hulking man. I did have a little confusion, though. I don't know if Virginia was lying to our narrator, and then he relayed the lie to us, the readers, but in the beginning, the narrator said that Virginia said her parents weren't home that night, and then she is suddenly married and recently separated. Is she at her parents house, or is she at her own house, having recently kicked out her husband? Or is everything she saying a lie? A bit of clarification in the story could be helpful.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
for entry "Honoring "OldWarrior"
Review by Relanka
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Veterans are often forgotten, which only goes to prove how sad our country has become. I never served, but my husband, my brother, and my brother-in-law did. And it pains me that the news media has decided that celebrities and sports are more important than our men and women getting injured or dying on the other side of the world because they chose to serve a country that no longer cares about them once their term of service is up. It's a shame.

Thank you for sharing this, and I will bookmark OldWarrior's portfolio so that I can read through it later.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Relanka
Rated: E | (5.0)
I actually never knew that those words had a name. My famed weasel word is more a phrase--"screamed in agony." Whenever I can't come up with the words to describe that pain, those words appear until I go back and edit them out. I know I am guilty of many, many (MANY) more, but it is nice to know that I am not alone in this fault. This was a very interesting read, and thank you for sharing it so that others can learn from it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Dearest Nearest  
Review by Relanka
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really enjoyed reading this piece. I loved the way you drew upon the little things that make up love--the smiles, the laughing together, the nearness that you come to expect in the day-to-day life, and even the grumbling and complaining that one does when they have to constantly clean up after the other. I've been at it for thirteen years now, and there are good times and bad times, but it's the littlest things that make it all worthwhile.

Thank you for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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