love the story. it is something out of the twilight zone. If I were to offer any advice, I'd add a bit more description of what the different characters looked like, particularly the main characters. Are they white/black/hispanic? are they tall, short or medium? and of the characters in the saloon are they all white or are they mixed race?
Your story reminds me of a true story. I visited the town of Wagontire Oregon in 1974 and in 2016. In 1974 the town still existed. there was a restaurant/gas station and motel. For 100 miles there were Burma shave signs counting down the miles to Wagontire, Oregon. I was on a trip with my father. We stopped there for the night because the next gas station was 150 miles away. I had imagined that wagontire would be a giant truck stop in the middle of nowhere, and was disappointed to find there was this run down motel and gas station. We were the only customers for the night. Coming into town we saw a sign "Welcome to Wagontire population 2 and 1/2 people, 25,000 sheep.
In the morning we met the owner who was also the police chief,the fire chief and the mayor of Wagon tire.
I asked him who was the 1/2 person. he responded, "My idiot son."
in 2016 my wife and I drove across the country and we passed through Wagontire. there was nothing left the cafe/motel had been abadoned and there were no services. the burma shave signs were all gone as well.
i wrote this poem down and it is available on my web page, the world according to cosmos.com if you like I can send it to you
I liked this haiku. the words are evocative. i like the words Crystal balls, target lace, and cool misty morning. If I were to write this I would replace the word target lace with target face to make it a bit more icky since you are writing about a spider after all
like both poems. the images are clear and vivid and conveys the emotional intensity of the writer as she surveys her all too perfectly clean kitchen. I liked the first one a bit more - liked the line about it being to sterile for yogurt.
good beginning draws you into the story. You want to read more of the story. I liked how it flows. Some interesting concepts explored. Good first draft.
loved it. I am a writer of romantic love poems and I can appreciate this poem very well, almost as if I wrote it myself.
The taste of her fine and excellent cooking,
And the sharing of her dreams, passions, and desires with me –
A deep, unwavering concern for my health and well-being,
And a triumphant legacy of love.
the first line might work better if you gave an example of her cooking evoking the flavors the smells and the taste
the second line could be expanded a bit to explore her dreams, passions and desires
I am not at all religious, actually pretty much an atheist but I get the command to be "be still and know that I am God". the first part speaks to calming one's mind, the second to trusting in God and that God is there. I have had a few experiences in my life where I felt in touch with the divine so I don't dismiss the possibility that there may be a God. In any event, good to focus on the lesser commands in the Bible.
well done. I am not a big fan of formal verse, but you did a pretty good job sustaining the form, and telling the story. I liked the last verse the best. Not sure I got the reference to ash breeze. is that a nautical term?
When your arms grow heavy
And tired from rowing;
If its been winter for years,
But still it keeps snowing,
When the waves rise around you,
Terrible demons of dreams,
You must stay by the oars,
And sail by ash breeze.
liked this stanza the best. LIke the phrase, terrible demons of dreams fits the overall mood of the poem.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jcosmos
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 3:41pm on Jun 20, 2021 via server WEB1.
Awards
Badges
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Auto-Reward Items
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "