I enjoyed this piece very much. The dialogue was right on and the timing was great. Like other reviewers, I felt his embarrassment and Lara's heart cringing, worried what he would admit.
I know writers skip a line between thought and dialogue -like you did- instead of putting them on the same line, (like I do) but because of that and the fact that you didn't always tag (not that you should-I liked that you didn't), I found it a bit hard to keep track who was speaking a few times during the read.
The below examples are parts that tripped me at first. I took the liberty of taking out the lines so the two characters take turns speaking, so the reader knows exactly who is speaking w/o tags. It is somewhat less effective but I thought it might flow easier not separating thought from dialogue. EX:
She was right. We're getting married in a few weeks, and it's time to put all the cards on the table. If it's truly meant to be, this won't bother her. I took a deep breath. "My ex-girlfriends have a club."
She looked at me, a little confused. "What?"
(Perhaps she can raise her cute little brows at him here instead of you telling me she was confused??)
and this one:
I shook my head, now feeling a little embarrassed. "You know I don't have the best of luck with my, uh..."
"Coordination?"
(At first, I thought "coordination" was Lara's nice way of saying that he frequently makes Freudian Slips during intimate moments.)
Wondering.... Does Lara ever call her finace by his name? On the rare occasion that my husband does something irksome, I'll raise my brow and say "Paul...." in a warning tone.
And lastly, I thought it would be better if Lara said she didn't meet the criteria because it's the ex-girlfriends' club-- instead of her saying that she only met only one criteria (being a girlfriend). I am not nit picking but here's why I think that...
To a woman, after she's engaged (and an engagement means there's a bond that goes deeper than girlfriend to a woman), she no longer considers herself a 'girlfriend' but a bride-to-be or a fiancee (ever notice how engaged women flaunt their rings, position their ring hands for the entire world to see?). When you ask a girlfriend to marry you, it's almost like the girlfriend has been given a promotion. To me, the fact that Lara still considers and calls herself a girlfriend means that she's keeping herself demoted, low in the ranks. And rank is very important to woman : ) (that probably got me in trouble).
Otherwise, I fell in love with your punch line and thought it was super sweet. I esp loved it because it was from the guy's perspective-gave me insight.
Just my thoughts, Take or leave. I do think the piece is great! I love your style and voice. I'll have to check out your other posts now.
Best wishes,
Jane
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