You have an amazing way with words! The detail you put in your work paints a lovely picture of what's happening and the way you describe your characters makes them seem real and alive. There's something about the way you write that keeps the reader on edge and wanting more. If you fully developed this I'm sure it would be a definite page-turner.
You're writing is very good and you carry a lot of potential. If you can't get it quite right maybe you could try shortening your sentences and adding more detail to what you say.
This is a very deep and meaningful story, I can tell that you truly captured the emotion that would accompany this experience. Whether or not you wrote this from memory I am unsure of, but you can sympathize with many who have gone through this trail.
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