Yes! I fell into thoughts of an earlier time. I used to ride horses in Texas. I spent long hours fitting a horse for 3 day eventing by riding trails. The long hours on the trail were more fun then the end results of the event. Does this have a tune that goes with it. The words read like lyrics to a song.
Days on a trail are soothing for the soul. Well written thoughts, Very Nice.
This sounds like rap. It has rhythm. The views expressed are clear. You also are giving out information about how people get into drug dealing that many people may not know or understand.
I can't assess the form because It is written as rap or poetry which I don't write. However, I believe the information is well stated. Sincerely, Apondia
This might be a group that would take off but, there does not seem to be a place to join. I'm not familiar with how to start a group so if you are going to get started maybe you should write something and add it to this site that will explain the groups purpose. Or, set up a forum or a writing contest for short stories, articles, etc. I really like your new merit badge. good luck.
This really is funny. I laughed, then I read it to my husband, he laughed.
Break this up into a few short paragraphs. It will accent the activity and the punch line.Each new wave of emotions should have a paragraph of its own.
Your sentence "It was a monster sound," does not give a clear meaning. Try, "It was a monstrous sound," or It sounded like a monster speaking. What ever you use strive for a clearer meaning to convey the the uncertainty of the situation.
A good place for a new paragraph to start is at "Suddenly, the closet--"
Where the sentence starts: But, I got stronger (You need a clearer meaning when you controlled your first panic). Use quotes to set apart your speech and thoughts. Instead of Sayed (do you mean said?) use I hollered or I asked or some other word that indicates a question when you write "Who is there?"
Disappear should have an ed on the end, disappeared. Also a comma after I thought, and quotes around your thoughts.
Your short sentences mixed with longer sentences is excellent. It produces visual understanding of the fright the character is experiencing
Opened the light should read, turned on the light for a clearer meaning.
This was a very nice ending. You used the emotions and questions to make the reader curious right to the end.
I'm stunned. I used to do something similar to this when I had 4 children, sheep,goats and a part time job. Lately, I looked around and said, " I need to find a better way to organize." This system gives me about 4 out of 7 days to read, write, and hike. It also has ways to adapt the time to personal preferences in cleaning style and needs. Such a great system I sat right down and put it in my notebook for reference. I love to be organized. Sincerely thanks, Apondia
This item has a lot going for it. You have intermingled short and long sentences, good descriptions and accurate spelling. It would be easier to read if you separated your paragraphs with spaces. I also liked the drama and suspense. What an excellent start. You could leap off the last sentence to a longer story. Write more. Sincerely, Apondia
I rated your item high in stars because I really like the story. The content contained your thoughts during your efforts to save a life. That is very important to the humanity of the story.
However, the story needs a lot of work on the arrangement of paragraphs. In each paragraph sentences should be relevant to each other concerning the subject you are presenting in the paragraph. Use a spell checker over your story to help you arrange punctuation and capitalization.
For instance, if you use commas after wrinkled, blotchy, old person. It highlights the fact that this person is elderly when you read about her later in the story. Another example for you: when you started paragraph 3 with, This time and Paragraph 4 with, But this time. Start paragraph 4 with something else descriptive, such as (The next time).
There are many grammar errors in your story. The more you fix, the more your story will express the human tragedy for the elderly woman and the concerned stress the hero of the story experienced.
This is such a worthwhile story please keep writing about other experiences.
HI. I also read "Sunlit Singer," both of the items I read are expressive. I believe many people in todays society are finding it difficult to participate in meaningful involvement in everyday activitys. Expecially, when we start aging. So I look for the reasons things on the earth are a little haywire. There are many reasons. But, through advid reading I have found the answers to many questions. Thirty five years ago I decided to read the bible once more to find out personal information about God. I shared my purpose with an acquaintance who was suddenly horrified by my decision which only made me more determined.
All my life church and sunday school teachers spoke about having faith, however many people struggle because faith is such an airy, atmospheric thing that can't be seen or touched. It leaves us hanging with wonderment.
I told God I had a lot of questions that people would not answer. So, he had to be my teacher because people could not answer my questions. After trying to get into college 3 times during my life, at the age of 55 someone let me into a college. I was there for 5 years before I graduated. I found out a lot of answers to questions about how the world works.
Did you know if you want to join the hebrew religion you have to ask 3 times before they will consider you as a true seeker? I did not find this out in college. I stumbled across this in a library while reading and reseaching another question.
Everytime I have a question to ask God I find the answer, in a book, watching pbs, watching movies or researching a topic uprelated to the question on line. Your "extend a hand to the next in line" is God using your writing to reach many.
The pay it forward movement is also a way to reach many at one time with a helping hand. I found your writings to be clear, to the point and worth their weight in gems of understanding. Write ON
Hi. This is a very long piece of work. It could use some more organizational headings for peiople who may be looking for a specific fix to a problem.
In paragraph 5 from the top, you talk about awkward sentences. I find it helps a piece of wiritng to alternate long and short sentences A long sentence with more than one subject and predicate can be followed by one or two shorter sentences with descriptive accents that back up your information. Than another long sentence can add more indepth material.
Variation from paragraph 4 and awkwardness from paragraph 5 are similar parts of the same problem.
After the heading "Grammatical Rules That Tend to Trip Writers Up", The last sentence is missing a word before the word longer.
In your conclusion you might tell writers, Do not be afraid to look up information, grammar, and punctuation as you write. A good rule is look it up, look it up and look it up some more.
Your subject matter is always needed and reference material is always important. Keep up the good work and write on.
Hi. This was so much fun. When you continue, ask them why they only give Apondia advice when I am falling asleep after a long day of hard physical labor. Then, the muse will fix reams of writings in my head. But, it has to be written down at once or I will forget the great ideas by morning. The muse sleeps in the day time. I sleep at night. My advice, "keep writing," he may find out giving you ideas is easier than carrying a sign in the cold, wet, hot weather. I'm cheering for you. Happy Trails, Apondia
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