Since this is spring in our habitat, I was interested to find this. I read a book once about how plants help each other grow. Since then, I see seeds as tiny plant children.
The poem is nicely done. It produces mind pictures as well as asks interesting questions.
I gave you a rating of 5 because at the first reading the piece was interesting.
I did not see a lot of punctuation problems.Sentence 3 could use some small change at the beginning which would emphasize trying to get Nancy's attention. Try a question mark between Nancy and Hey instead of a period. And an exclamation mark after Hey. I noticed it's for Flash Fiction contest so possibly you were under word count constrictions.
This is published online which means it is read most likely on someone's computer screen. Try a bigger font for readability. You would be better served by making the title bold or centering it for emphasis. Otherwise it read well. It left me with lots of questions. I like questions because it means maybe there is more story there somewhere.
I liked the beginning because it made a point quickly. I liked the story build up. I liked the end because it left me wanting to read more.
This is a timeless subject. We live in a time now when women are gaining a lot in the work force and home front as well. There have always been controversial parts of empowerment. As you noted, makeup and dress style are two of the controversy of "What makes a female feminine". I live in a rural area of the USA and I can tell you many, if not most, women shopping are wearing slacks, jeans, t-shirts, even sweatpants and sweatshirts. Most working mothers don't have time for parties on a regular basis. Single mothers use their own money more for bills and living expenses not just for how they want to use it.
Women as a whole can be devastatingly critical. So, your article is a worthwhile comment on the critical nature of women. In this fear ridden society any one can get side tracked with severe criticism.
I did not particularly catch any blatant punctuation errors so, the only comment I have is please increase the font size on the entire article. Your comments are well worth reading. Increasing the size of the words will make the whole article easier to read on a computer.
Increasing the font size will increase the readability by a large percentage.
We need people to speak out, in the way you have, in this article. It helps the progress of freedom if we realize it's the actions toward others and care we give each other, not the style of dress that matters.
I was drawn in by your comment about how research affects your knowledge.
I will comment on how well this is written because it is easy to follow and shows an evaluation of questions that you answered with your research.
The readability would be aided by a larger font. This comes up a lot on WDC because the basic font is small.
The original work that caused you to research questions about space sounds like it would be interesting to read. I like the facts in this article because they are basic facts about the Earth and Mars that make sense. Since, they landed a new rover on Mars there will be lots of new facts available. It is interesting to note how some of the information lines up with Mars as both planets revolve around the same sun. The comparisons were special. Keep writing we will keep reading.
I found this article today listed in Short Stories. The content is interesting and specific in its format. The article was listed at least three times in the first two pages and has won a ribbon so I opened it to see why it was special.
Punctuation is properly added. The punctuation adds to the readability of the article.
I was impressed with your use of sizing of sentences. Articles are so much easier to read when the fonts are sized for reading on a computer.
I was interested in the content of the article. We don't always find a need to about our experiences. This article does specify some of the ways that people may discourage the WDC experience. It helps to know when someone has had a bad experience so that others can avoid the pitfalls of writing on a webpage. Your title drew me in and I appreciate all the ways you listed that will help the reader reap a better experience in specified ways. I appreciate your article in a positive way. Write On!
If only, If only I had this story to read to my children when I was young. I laughed about the story and about the startling ending. Tough love is sometimes the best love.
I didn't look closely at the punctuation because the story was so great.
The readability was excellent. And, the presentation in bold helped the readability.
Please continue to write such encouraging stories. If you can put up more of them you could have a book. Call it Stories to Encourage the Young I suppose there would be an outcry but still it might make the book sell faster. I'm being lighthearted with this review but, it is because I enjoyed the story so much. Please Write ON!
Your poem popped up when I clicked my mouse on read and review. People remember all kinds of childhood experience in different ways. Your poem made me wonder what my own children think about their childhoods. My family had several children, who each have different viewpoints about the same family experience.
Your punctuation adds to the poems depth.
The readability was also very well thought out. It explained the scenes well.
The subject of the poem explained why you don't like sunrise. It provided some interest about Patsy Cline. So, I found the poem well thought out, entertaining, and informative. Write On!
I have never been to Alaska. However, I have read several books about travel in Alaska. This Haiku poem reminds me of Alaska descriptions in the books I have read.
The readability in this poem is excellent. It excites good description which highlights the Title. The title introduces the Haiku.
I found your poem when I read the June article for poetry on WDC. It was a treasure to read. Write On!
I read this with a great deal of interest. I've read two poems this week that really have something to say. This is one of them. I view this one as a challenge to write things words put together with the meaning as special message. I don't really pick up on a rhythm within this message. Never the less the meaning strikes me as more important than the melodic rhythm. If I put it to sound it would be steady beats. It's a powerful message, with a challenge in the ending line.
The punctuation accents the meaning of each sentence.
I have no problem with the readability.
So for the poet, this poem expresses instruction, challenge and encouragement. It is a very nice poem. Thanks for posting it. Sincerely, Apondia
This is such a specific idea for a poem. Your need is clear and your prayer has substance. How many people will be where you are at the end of their days?
Your punctuation of the poem brought out the story.
The readability is excellent and the poem is interesting. It causes me to wonder how your life has been. What journeys did you take? What experiences did you have, that brought you to this moment.
Stay for awhile yet and write more poems or prayers. Your expressions in words may help some other life traveler to be encouraged. When the time comes your dependence on the Lord will be rewarded.
Hi Don Two. I'm Apondia. I read through your poem several times. I think you've captured the to getting up on some days with a complete lack of motivation.
The metaphors involved in your verse appealed to me. Your theme was true throughout the poem. The tone was rising as the poem progressed and held the mood to the very end.
In the first verse the rhythm in the first two lines did not seem to flow as well, as in most of the other verses.
Also, the meaning in the first line of verse three did not become immediately clear. I read it several times to be sure it was leading me to proper understanding.
My overall impression is positive. I enjoyed the poem and thought it expressed what people feel when they are experiencing laziness. You used excellent expressions to put across the real feeling of being lazy.
Hi RodneyGray. I’m Apondia. I’m taking a course from "New Horizon’s Academy" called Dynamic Keys to Reviewing. Our assignment today is to review a chapter from a book or a novella. I opened your book when I came across it in “Browse By Type.” When I started reading I was drawn by your story.
So, I'll dive right in here with the review. The first sentence grabbed me. It doesn’t need to start with And. The second sentence needs to strengthen your first paragraph. It needs to be a better explanatory sentence.
Remember how important your prologue will be as it sets the tone and the mood. some of the wording in the Prologue caused me to reread the whole scene. You left out pronouns. These words are determiners which help the reader identify the subject and move the story along. Even though, I think you need a few changes the Prologue is a grabber. You created a suspenseful mood in my mind as I read.
The Dialogue and Characterizations within the main chapter increased the readability of the scenes. Your dialogue shows me the gruffness of a young single father trying to keep the house, job, and raise a child alone. Also, the father’s wish is plain “stay out of the dark.” The father doesn’t want to lose his son in the mysterious way he lost his wife.
If you substitute the character’s name for pronouns (he) or identifying descriptive words it will keep the reader aware of who is doing the action. An example of a place you need to strengthen is in paragraph 18 where Riko is watching, while Cham is drinking. Also, in the sentence where the elf was chanting, example: Use descriptive words for the elf (the little brown elf or Riko’s new friend or something better of your own choosing) “continued chanting.”You will probably find these problems as you continue to edit the piece.
}You have a lot of show don’t tell imagery in this work. I like the story continuity and the place you stopped in chapter one leaving the reader to wonder what comes next.
I was surprised by the specific lack of Cham’s reaction to the newcomer. I thought his fear for his son’s safety warranted a stronger reaction to the child under the blanket.
I gave you a rating of four stars. Because of your dialogue and continuity of plot.
The Dark Ones is a story I will read. It is not just interesting, you made it fun to read. I would not be surprised if somewhere in earth's real history there is a law causing people to close up inside their homes at night because of fear of the dark.
The Return (13+) A young woman visits North Yorkshire with her boyfriend and all is not what she expects. #2135469 by Wynter
(1596 words)
(From newbies-page 2)
Hi Wynter. I’m Apondia. I am reviewing your story today for a course in reviewing called “The Keys To Dynamic Reviewing.” The course is presented by the writing school that is affiliated with Writing. Com. The school is “New Horizons Academy” you can find it here "Invalid Item"
Your story has a mysterious tone which builds as the story unfolds. The tone throughout supports the mood of the entire tale. The actions, thoughts, and feelings of Anna produce a picture of a shy person. After I read the story, I could imagine this type of a character as a doe. Your third paragraph produces this picture of a hesitant participant in the action.
As Joe becomes the leader by asserting and producing actions the plot advances as it unfolds. As a reader, I was drawn to the mild but persistent conflict which exists between Anna’s shy unspoken wish to refuse to follow and Joe’s insistence in moving down a certain path. You have a good structure in your story.
Even though the story is not long, the characters are dramatized well with their actions. You have also shown the reader with sensory descriptions the forest, the ambiance of the hotel room, Anna’s reluctance and the persistence of the crow.
I gave you a four star rating because the story has a lot of structure and imagery that pulls the reader.
Changes I suggest:
Because they have known each other three years I wonder about Joe. Perhaps if you study the habits of a buck deer you could incorporate things into Joe’s actions that would be interesting. When Anna first sees the deer looking at her in the wood I can see her as a doe. But, Joe appears more like the character of a serial killer to me than a buck.
You need to work on punctuation. Your quotation marks are not properly inserted. You could make the piece more readable by working on where paragraphs start and finish.
Questions need question marks.
For instance: After “To run barefoot as blades of grass caress my feet.” Anna says Joe’s name. It seems as if she is asking him something? Is the next comment “Joe?” I have inserted a question mark for clarity as an example.
Another place is where Anna says, “What can go wrong.” Is she asking herself a question? There are other places where question marks would clarify the sentence.
Look up the rules for hyphens or em-dashes. They should not have spaces around them. Check to see if they are being used correctly in your dialogue. These are actually editing suggestions. I noticed that you have recently updated your story so perhaps you are in the progress of editing it. The story seemed more like a section out of a longer written work. It may be what I feel as a reader because I was always wondering about what the characters three year relationship was like?
Punctuation within a story is very important to show the reader the emotions and actions of the characters.
This is a worthwhile short story with an interesting ending. I liked the picture it built. Definitely it painted a picture with words in my mind. I encourage you to continue writing you have insight into the way life unfolds.
Hi Pat. I'm Apondia. I just read your story. I thought your opening sentence was very good. It made me wonder what Hady could not find. The whole story moved along from subject to subject and made me smile at the little proofs you added to make it a story about a witch. I liked reading about Hady's hair floating when she was showing emotion. At the bottom you did not say but I was impressed that you wrote it with your children.
As a children's story you have several misspelled words and at least one double demonstrative pronoun. Specifically, look at the last sentence in paragraph 4 where Speedy is involved. Keep Hady's interaction with speedy within a paragraph. Try separating different subject shifts with double double space to help the reader sort the movement in the story. Such as the store scene, scene with speedy, or the scene in the yard.
You could consider the age level you think will read the story. Up to a first grader you should use a larger font. Through to third grade readers the font can be slightly smaller but shorter sentences can be used to bring in a faster understanding of action.
I liked your word choices. Most of them were easily understood yet formed a more complex story. I think a young reader would be excited as this story unfolds because of the word choices.
*flowerst*You conveyed a tone with your choice of details and descriptions. This created a mood that continued throughout the story. You keep the proper tense throughout. These points added to the readability of your story. You also maintained third person Point of View throughout the story.
I could see this story in a small book form as I read it. It's too fun to ignore. I especially could see all these children in the yard by the stream dancing around touching their noses and tapping their feet. I did wonder if the stream would remain a bubbling source of hot chocolate forever? Thanks for letting me read your story.
Hi Graham B. I'm Apondia. I am reviewing "The Curse" today for A "reviewchallenge" hosted by New Horizons Academy for the WDC Birthday Celebration. I was drawn to your story by the title. You wrote an exciting entry sentence which made me want to read more.
I really wanted to know why the Bedouins attacked them? Were they protecting the ruins that were soon mentioned? Or, were they after the two characters for some other reason? Some of these types of questions were not answered.
One suggestion I will make is to enlarge your font for readability. It helps readers to evaluate sentences when reading online. A slightly larger font increases the ability to sit back and read faster. There is a relationship between how quickly a reader moves into a story and whether the reader will continue to read until he or she reaches the end.
I would have enjoyed reading just a small amount more at the beginning about the relationship between these two characters.
Line 14 seems to indicate they don't know each other well.
In line 15 Lyanna seems angry and resentful. Again, They don't seem to really know each other well. However, toward the end of the story Lyanna is listing adventures they have been in together. Which makes it appear as if they are well acquainted. There is some confusion in the tone the characters use and it affects the mood of the story as the reader is trying to figure out how these two characters relate to each other.
You could also improved readability by making a whole paragraph from Joe's or Lyanna's speeches. An example is from the place "It was Joe's turn to hang his head" The paragraph can incorporate the next 6 lines. You actually need to separate each new speaker. However, if you group lines of dialect, with action description, in whole paragraphs you will increase understanding of your characters and readability. Another example of this is when Lyanna spoke the word "Hold!" There are several lines of dialect and description that belong to Lyanna and could be grouped for easier reading. It would also clear up some of the dialog where the reader has to be careful about which person spoke.
I feel this story is definitely adventurous. I liked the way you found a way to get them out of trouble. Joe turned out to be a character who stepped up to solve problems. Lyanna shows how she relies on him to take the lead and get them out of trouble. Joe admires her for her knowledge. So, it knits their relationship together in other adventures. Your story shows how each of them has a niche in their adventures. It was a very entertaining story and I wanted to know more about some of their other short adventures. It's always good if the reader wants to read more.
Once upon a time there was a baby red squirrel. Everyday his task was to find new food. One day, he tried to climb the bird feeder pole because he often watched the fox squirrel climb up it into the feeder. Because of that the climb looked easy, until finally he realized he wasn't big enough for the job. So, he slid backwards down the pole and climbed a tree instead.
This is a nice way to build a quick little story. Happy writing.
I enjoyed reading your comments. They gave such a clear look at your weather. It also showed how events around the world are affecting people in their home settings. Politics every where seems a deep concern for the people on the end of the receiving line. Politics seem to be a little off for people in many countries. Blogging is such a great way to keep in touch with what is happening to people all over the world. Thanks for sharing your daily life in this way.
I liked this poem. It expresses tradition in my mind. I think you could write another from just the subjects your brothers discussed. Women at home hear things people waiting at home rarely know about.
Before I start: Please, if you ask for a review use a font that is easy to read. Use paragraphs and double spacing between paragraphs. This is an aid to the reviewer or anyone who reads the piece. Many people will not finish your written work if reading it becomes too much of a chore. Small fonts make sentences difficult to keep track of and cause the reader to lose their place in the piece of writing.
A. Line 2: Change the word down to in. It changes the meaning a great deal. Also, the word in will not collide when you use it later in the sentence.
B. Line 3: Use a different descriptive term for never come across such as did not remember.
C. Line 6: You cannot use, "Throughout the entire cabin"? Because he cannot at this moment think where he is and cannot see the entire cabin. In his state of mind he does not even know what floor he is on or if the building has one room or many. In line 3 you put him in a room.
Next line should change: "there weren’t" to "there wasn’t much".
D. Do not to use words that end in ly at the end of a sentence. Using another word without ly or rearranging the wording will make the sentence hit harder. He shifted his aching body. What caused him to be uncomfortable enough to shift?
E. In line 8: I like the descriptive lines in this sentence, they paint an original picture in my mind. It's very good writing.
F. In line 11: Is it necessary to use a comma after agony? Instead, put the comma before "that" and set off the clause. It will set off the quietness you are trying to emphasize.
G. Line 12: You can leave this. However, personally I would rewrite it. Use two smaller sentences or put, "of all people" between, "what was this place?" "why was he here?"
H. Line 13: Rearrange the sentence. Drop "and." Try: She studied him with purpose. Concern radiated from startling gray eyes. Gray with an A not with an e. ( I always get caught in my writing when I use grey an editor will always change it.
J. Once again, you have an ly word. Eliminate , “the girl asked timidly.” You could give her an action here instead. She handed him a glass of water or rearranged some books on a table.
K. You don’t need to express “she asked carefully” Her speech should stand for itself.
L. His thoughts can be expressed by using italics. “What on earth was going on?” There should be a period after terror. The people would have been streaming from other rooms not cabins. Are they in one solid dwelling with rooms?
M. Line 35: The word environment seems to express woods, or land, or sea with air. Try using chamber, den, lodging, place, quarters,or space.
N. You used "still ambiance" with success earlier don’t repeat it. Try latent mood, dense atmosphere, dense air in the room, etc. Something else to worm into the readers senses.
O. You are using an extreme amount of ellipses. One or two for speech emphasis seems all right to me but some of them should be turned into well made complete sentences.
P. Short sentences mixed with long sentences lay emphasis in the readers mind.
Q. Toward the end Change: “ fighting to keep his feet from turning.” It is awkward and does not express the emotion properly.
S. The last line. “Finally my peace.” Making the last word match the title.
I like the way you built up the suspense. You used a lot of phrases and words that made it a good read.
It left me with a lot of questions. In what country were they stationed? Whose house were they visiting? Were they hiding? Had they been invited into the village? Was there a village? As a short piece it answers the question about a singular person. One soldier’s death. Write On!
I always enjoy your blog. Today I read the one about the horses and cookies. You brought out a lot of really interesting points. Some of them were humorous. Some were practical. The only thing I would really change is I would put spaces between your paragraphs. It would make the text easier to read and draw attention to the different subjects. A really nice thing about your blog is you stick to the subjects of each prompt.
This is a very interesting blog. The quick explanations are easily read. Your touch of sources at the bottom can send the reader to different interesting websites. Where, they may get lost looking up new facts of all kinds. I'm glad you thought to share these many interesting themes.
When uploading and posting material to WDC there is a place you can check to cause your material to remain in its original form. The original form of this piece would help the reader to read.
The second sentence that starts "Today, however": could be worded to allow the reader a clearer picture of events.
Eliminate the word however in the sentence that starts, "Just as I tighten." The word detracts from the movement involving the general. It slows down the emphasis of the action being done by the general.
I would put a period after comes out. Then make a stronger sentence that reveals his feelings about being woken from a nap.
Again you need a period after "pick up a scent." It will emphasize the word Rainsford that begins your next comment.
Of course the use of reviewing comments is optional. I thought the information given leads the reader on so they will want to know what happens to Rainsford.
It might help to elongate the story by helping the reader to know more about Rainsford and why he is important. Why was he crying help in the jungle?
Curiosity of the reader always draws the reader forward to gain the answers. You have created some curiosity within your text. Who is this general? Where is the jungle? Who is Rainsford? How was the general entertained by Rainsford before he decided to kill him? The text will grow as you answer the questions.
I hope this review gives you confidence and incentive to continue the story. If the spacing were in place it would be a good story to pursue.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 7:30pm on May 06, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I could picture the tree. We have one in our yard. Deer eat under it in autumn
Your punctuation is relevant. I causes the reader to pay attention to each line.
As for readability, The font is large enough and dark enough to aide to make reading easy. I liked the focus of each stanza.
This is meaningful story telling. The words bring out the thoughts of the plant. I liked the pictures they put in my mind of a crab apple tree.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
about our 
experiences. This article does specify some of the ways that people may discourage the WDC experience. It helps to know when someone has had a bad experience so that others can avoid the pitfalls of writing on a webpage. Your title drew me in and I appreciate all the ways you listed that will help the reader reap a better experience in specified ways. I appreciate your article in a positive way. Write On! 
Your poem popped up when I clicked my mouse on read and review. People remember all kinds of childhood experience in different ways. Your poem made me wonder what my own children think about their childhoods. My family had several children, who each have different viewpoints about the same family experience.
Your punctuation adds to the poems depth.
The readability was also very well thought out. It explained the scenes well.
I have never been to Alaska. However, I have read several books about travel in Alaska. This Haiku poem reminds me of Alaska descriptions in the books I have read.
The readability in this poem is excellent. It excites good description which highlights the Title. The title introduces the Haiku.
I found your poem when I read the June article for poetry on WDC. It was a treasure to read. Write On! 
to getting up on some days with a complete lack of motivation.
In the first verse the rhythm in the first two lines did not seem to flow as well, as in most of the other verses.
My overall impression is positive. I enjoyed the poem and thought it expressed what people feel when they are experiencing laziness. You used excellent expressions to put across the real feeling of being lazy. 
Hi RodneyGray. I’m Apondia. I’m taking a course from "New Horizon’s Academy" called Dynamic Keys to Reviewing. Our assignment today is to review a chapter from a book or a novella. I opened your book when I came across it in “Browse By Type.” When I started reading I was drawn by your story.
So, I'll dive right in here with the review. The first sentence grabbed me. It doesn’t need to start with And. The second sentence needs to strengthen your first paragraph. It needs to be a better explanatory sentence. 
The Dialogue and Characterizations within the main chapter increased the readability of the scenes. Your dialogue shows me the gruffness of a young single father trying to keep the house, job, and raise a child alone. Also, the father’s wish is plain “stay out of the dark.” The father doesn’t want to lose his son in the mysterious way he lost his wife. 
}You have a lot of show don’t tell imagery in this work. I like the story continuity and the place you stopped in chapter one leaving the reader to wonder what comes next.
I gave you a rating of four stars. Because of your dialogue and continuity of plot.
Questions need question marks.