|As promised, here is my review of your first chapter. Everything is just my opinion and you can take my advice or leave it.
First off: I liked it. You've laid out a nice opening and given us a few mysteries and future conflicts to keep us interested. I'm wondering whether Tolus is honest or conniving, and I want to see what choices Maurice will make in the future about the city, his children, and his past affair. The descriptions are good, and you haven't drowned us in details. The advice I want to give you is mostly about style and how to add that extra oomph to your chapter.
I like the revision you made to the beginning, about the king walking in the gardens and being summoned by Tolus. Let's look at the first line:
The King had been enjoying his afternoon walk through the palace gardens when word was brought to him.
This grabbed my attention, causing me to wonder what the word was about, but try tightening it up and adding detail. For example:
The King was enjoying his afternoon walk through the palace gardens when a young squire ran up behind him.
That gives my mind an extra detail to hook onto.
Try to avoid extra words as much as possible, like "the King had been enjoying" and "the young squire had said." In my opinion it's better to just say "was" or "said" if you can.
Make every word count. Consider this section:
...he was greeted by a warm smile and a slow bow. “My King,” Tolus said with affection.
This is shorter and still gets the point across.
...he was greeted by a slow bow. "My King," Tolus said warmly.
Remember punctuation with quotations: if you're continuing the sentence, use a comma and a lowercase letter. The lowercase letter is true even if the quotation ends in a question mark or an exclamation point.
“Your Majesty, a letter has arrived from Zaphirose in the New Lands.” Said Tolus Solientell, as he handed the letter to King Maurice.
The punctuation should be (and notice how I changed the end of the sentence):
“Your Majesty, a letter has arrived from Zaphirose in the New Lands,” said Tolus Solientell, handing the letter to King Maurice.
About that last quote I changed: "as he handed the letter" is not bad. You could do it either way. But if you use "as he handed the letter," I think you shouldn't use the comma before "as." It flows better without it in this case.
Maurice threw the letter down on his desk without looking at it and walked to the large window at the end of his work chamber. Of course that’s what this is about. The room is one of the most intimate in the palace, finely decorated with expensive woods, metals and stones. Surrounded by bookcases the entire length of the wall. Everything from the tiles on the floor to the murals on the roof decorated with delicate rose patterns.
Maurice is thinking the second sentence but there is nothing to tell us that. Also the verb tense suddenly flipped to present tense and the last two sentences don't have verbs. Here's how this paragraph could be revised:
Maurice tossed the letter onto his desk without looking at it and walked to the large window at the end of his work chamber. Of course that's what this is about, he steamed. The room, one of the most intimate in the palace, was finely decorated with expensive wood, metal, and stone. Large mahogany bookshelves lined the walls, housing dusty tomes of religious practices and military strategy. Most alluring were the delicate rose patterns that graced everything from the polished floor tiles to the swirling murals on the ceiling. Maurice loved this room most of all, but today its charm could do nothing for his mood.
That might be way too much detail, but notice how I provided little hooks like "housing dusty tomes" and "swirling murals on the ceiling." I aimed for an evocative description of the room, which means to provide just enough detail to get your reader to fill in the blanks. Also I thought it would be nice to end the paragraph with Maurice's feeling about the room, since we started out with him.
in a voice so calm the King could feel his shoulders relax into his chair.
The letter sat on the large dark wooden desk in the back of the room surrounded by papers and stamps.
We could make this sparkle a little more by saying:
The letter vanished in the clutter of papers and stamps on the large wooden desk.
You get the idea.
You used the word "kid" once; I think "child" would sound more appropriate in this context. Also, I don't think they would have used contractions like "you've" and "wouldn't."
In general, I think you are using too many adverbs after verbs, e.g., "The King asked sarcastically," "The King said incredulously," "Tolus stated abruptly," "Tolus said hastily." It gets a little repetitive. Don't get rid of all of them, but find other ways to accomplish the same thing, such as verb choice ("interrupted," "scoffed") or just using the word "said" alone. This has been a revelation for me recently, that you can use just plain old said, and if you do it right the reader doesn't even notice. Steven King talks about it here .
Experiment with a dialogue exchange that does not include any dialogue tags. For instance, this one:
“Alright, you’ve given me much to consider Tolus. Of course, I have to think about this properly as well as consult with the Queen and the rest of the roundtable.” The King stated.
“Of course your majesty, I understand completely. This is a great decision. Though I must insist that it be a quick one, before the city falls to irreparable chaos.” Tolus responded.
“Yes your Grace, I hope you manage some rest tonight, and may The Eye of The God watch over you.” Tolus responded as he rose from his chair.
“You as well,” Maurice responded.
Write a rapid-fire exchange every now and then to vary the pace and hold interest.
I don't have any suggestions yet for your characters. I'm on pins and needles to see the true nature of Tolus. My overall advice is to chop all unnecessary words and garnish descriptions with delicate rose petals. Good job!